We Couldn't Change It If We Tried

What the hell was wrong with me? I shouldn't have left that room. I shouldn't have drunk. And I shouldn't have done that to Dani. "Joey," Frankie ran up to me, throwing his arms around my neck as I caught him. "You're back! Nick said you died!"

"Did not," Nick mumbled as he came into my room. "I said you were going to be at Dani's for a while."

"Na ah," Frankie said. "You said, Sorry Frankie, but Joe's dead."

"Did not," Nick snapped.

"Did too," Frankie snapped back.

"Na ah."

"Ya ha."

"Whoa, what's going on in here," Kevin came in.

"Joey's back from the dead," Frankie announced. "Oh my God," he screamed. "I have to go tell mommy. She'll be so happy you're not dead!" He ran out of the room.

"I didn't tell him you were dead," Nick mumbled.

"Right," I rolled my eyes, not even caring. Nick could tell Frankie whatever he wanted. I had more important things to think about – like kicking this drinking habit. And for once, I realized that I didn't want to drink away my problems. I just wanted Dani. "Anyway, Kevin, I need your help."

"With what," he asked, sitting on my bed.

"Dani told me she's done with helping me," I said quietly.

"And you're surprised why," Nick asked.

"Nicholas," Kevin warned before I could say anything. He turned to me. "Joseph, you know you're my brother and I love you, and want to help you. But you snuck off to a bar when she tried to help you. Can you really blame her for wanting to stop the pain she was feeling every time you slipped up?"

"I know Kevin," I sighed in frustration. "I really messed up. But I want to change now. I want to get better. I want Dani back and I'm ready to resist anything to do that."

Kevin grinned at me as Nicholas just got up and left. "What's his problem," I asked.

Kevin sighed. "He doesn't want you to disappoint Dani – or him. He really looks up to you Joseph. It's – hard for him to see you mess up. But don't worry, he'll get over it. And you will get better."

I sighed, nodding. "How though? Dani – gave up on me. I – I need her Kevin. How do I fix this?"

"Go ask her again," Kevin suggested after a moment. "And tell her – tell her the truth. Tell her you really want to change, and you'll actually try this time. She'll believe you Joe. And she'll help you. She loves you too much not to."

>>><<<

"Joe," I said, surprised as he walked into my room. "What are you doing back here?"

"Dani," he said quietly, not moving from my door. "I want to – apologize for before. That was so wrong of me. I –"

"You were drunk Joe," I said bitterly. "I understand that wasn't really you."

"No Dani," he sighed in frustration. "It was me. This is who I am now. I'm a drunken screw-up. You were right. I need that crap. It's become part of who I am."

"I don't want to hear about your little drunk epiphany Joe," I turned my head in pain. Hearing his words sent shocks of pain into my heart. "I know how much you need it."

"But Dani, that's the thing. I don't want to need it." I looked at him, surprised. He sighed. "I don't want to have to drink all my problems away. I don't want to have to need it as much as I need you, something I – I thought would never happen. But now – I realize something. I need you more than any temporary relief. And I want to change. But I can't do it alone. I need your help Dani. I need you to save me."

I got up and wrapped my hands around his neck, burying my head into his chest. "And you'll really try this time," I asked.

"I'll really try this time," he assured me.

I pulled away slightly, grinning at him. "Good then. Get ready Jonas, because you're in for a rude awakening."

>>><<<

"Hey Dani," Nick came into the room. "Joseph," he acknowledged me. I didn't know what his problem was. Something told me it was more than just being disappointed in me. "Dani, I can take over now."

"I'm okay Nicholas," Dani said, her tone cool. Whoa, had she noticed something weird with Nick too?

"Actually," Nick smiled. "Blair said I had to kick you out to go sleep."

"Figures," Dani rolled her eyes. "Nick, I'm okay, really. You can go."

"Yes Nicholas, leave," I said, surprised by the coldness in my tone.

"I'd rather stay actually," Nick glared at me. "Dani, seriously, you may be okay, but you should sleep." He put his hand on her shoulder. Something inside me snapped, and I found myself wanting to punch my brother in the face. What brought that on, I don't know?

"I'm fine," she shrugged his hand off. But then she yawned involuntarily.

"Right," Nick rolled his eyes. "Bye Dani." He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the room, before closing the door on her. He turned back and sat in her seat, crossing his arms and staring at me.

"What," I said after a few minutes of his constant glaring.

"Do you really love Dani," he asked, his voice quiet. "I mean, are you sure you're still in love with her?"

I sighed, confused at his question. "Yes," I answered firmly. "I'm still madly in love with her – so much so that I'm ready to fight this thing as hard as I can for her."

"It sounds to me like you're just trying to prove something," Nick said. "To her, and to yourself."

"No one really asked you."

"Or maybe it's not a proving thing at all," Nick said, thoughtfully. "Maybe you just want Dani to fall after you, pining for you without thinking of anything else."

"Shut the hell up Nick," I spat. "You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I love Dani more than anything. I would never do that. This has nothing to do with proof or that selfish crap. This isn't something I can control, you know. I don't know what the hell your problem is, if it's just because I've disappointed you, or whatever else it could be, but you really need to not fucking talk to me."

"I wouldn't," Nick said calmly. "Except I actually care about Dani, and unfortunately that means I've got to make sure your drunken ass stays sober."

"Thanks so much for your concern brother," I said sarcastically. "I can see how much you actually care about me."

He sighed, looking away. "Look Joe. I'm sorry. I really do care about you, and I do want you to get better. But it's just hard knowing my brother's an alcoholic who's hurting this amazing girl. Dani deserves better than what you've given her."

Better like him, possibly? Was that where little Nicholas was heading with this? Did he actually like Dani? I pretended to remain clueless. "I know Nick," I said quietly. "And I am trying to be better, for her, for you, for me. It's hard as hell. But I'm trying. And I'm sorry for hurting her, and for hurting you. I should be better for everyone."

Nick sighed. "We're going to help you through this Joe. You will be sober again. And you will be better for Dani."

With that, neither of us knew what to say. Nick stared off into space as I continued to think about how my brother could possibly be in love with the love of my life.

>>><<<

"So how are you feeling Joe," Dani asked as she spun around in her computer chair.

"Three days and not even a thought about alcohol," I announced proudly.

She stopped spinning, and jumped out of the chair to jump into my lap on the bed. She threw her hands around me. "Joe, I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it this time."

"It's all thanks to you Dani," I wrapped my arms around her waist, timidly. After my last drunken experience, I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with me touching her. "You really saved me."

"So, three days. I say it's time to put you to the test," she grinned.

"Test," I asked, nervous. Were they going to put a bottle in front of something or me?

"Yup," she grinned. "Go home Jonas."

"W-w-what," I stuttered. Was she giving up on me again?

"You heard me," she smirked. "Go home. You're ready."

"Are you sure," I asked. "What if I mess up?"

"You won't," she said, more confident than I felt.

"Okay," I sighed. "If you think I'm ready, then I'll try."

She hugged me tighter. "I freaking love you. You're so amazing. I can't believe this." She laughed, pulling away to look at me, while still sitting in my lap, her hands still loosely around my neck. "You're going to get through this addiction and everything will be normal again."

I looked at her hopefully. "Everything?"

She sighed, and got off of my lap. "I – can't Joe. I just . . . don't trust you yet."

I looked away, pained. "I understand Dani. I can wait." She smiled weakly at me. "So I should go home then."

I got up and walked to the door. "Why didn't you come after me that day," Dani blurted out, making me stop in my tracks.