You Are Nothing What You Seem

I wake up in his arms. Lying across his chest, using his shoulder as a pillow. His arms wrapped loosely around my waist. One of my hands resting on his chest, the other curled in a fist. Our legs tangled together in the sheet.

I'm happy.

But I'm not.

I sigh, and quietly, Alex says "Something wrong?"

I shake my head. "Nope. Just hungry." He laughs. Sleepily, I pull out of his arms and mumble "Make me food while I take a shower."

"Alright," He says. He climbs out of bed and I pull the sheet up around my body as he picks up his boxers from the floor and pulls them on. I giggle at the sight of his stark-white ass.

He turns, glaring playfully. "What's funny?"

I shake my head, hiding my grin in the sheets. He rolls his eyes and leaves the room. I know he'll go to his room first to get sweatpants or something. I wait five minutes, then slide out from under the sheet and slowly make my way to the bathroom.

After locking both doors, I turn and look at myself in the mirror. I look the same.

Only different.

Leaning in close, I'm sure I can see something different in my face. I look…older. Wiser? No. More experienced? I guess. Just…different.

I slip into the shower, cranking the water as hot as it will go and letting it cascade over my skin, finding relief in the burning liquid.

Last night was a mistake.

No, it wasn't.

Yes it was.

What makes you think that?

I had sex. With Alex.

Yeah. And?

I don't know. I had sex. With Alex.

Do you like him?

It seems so…

And it felt right. Utterly right. We both know that.

Yeah…

So what's wrong?

It scares me.

This shuts up the 'other voice', and I slip out of the shower, a big fluffy towel wrapped tightly under my arms.

I dress slowly, pulling on a pair of old sweats and a loose pink T-shirt. I pull my hair back into a damp bun and quickly leave the room. I avoided the mirror the whole time.

I'm downstairs in the kitchen in a few seconds, and Alex is sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal. My cereal.

I narrow my eyes. "You're eating my food."

We may have had sex, but Alex knows me well enough to know better than to eat my cereal.

He laughs. "I'll buy you a new box."

I grab a bowl and spoon from the strainer next to the sink and sit down, pouring myself some cereal. "No, whatever, it's fine."

He stares at me like I've grown three extra heads. "Is something wrong with you?"

Nope. "Last night shouldn't have happened."

Whoops.

He narrows his eyes at me. "What do you mean?"

I sigh. "We shouldn't have had sex."

"Why not?"

I shrug. "Just didn't feel right."

That's a lie.

Shut up.

"So what do you want me to do?" Alex asks, resigned.

He does know me well. Well enough to know that when something not right, I can't do it.

Even though this isn't not right.

Rawr.

"You said, when we made that bet, that you would have found someone else to stay with, if you lost?"

He nods slowly.

"Go find one of them," I say bluntly.

He smirks, snickering slightly at my frankness. "OK. If that's what you want."

I nod, determined. "It is."

No it's not! Don't leave!

Alex picks up his empty bowl – took the last bite when I walked in – and rinses it in the sink before putting it in the dishwasher.

I refuse to look at him as he walks upstairs. I sit, unmoving, at the kitchen table for an hour and a half, while he makes phone calls, packs his things, and leaves.

That was a mistake.

I know.