Innocence to Experience.

What made me do this to myself? Surely I could have dealt with Rose's move a lot better. I'd dealt with other pains in my life without the use of any drug; I needed not any form of euphoria. Why, why did I feel like I needed to poison myself with these chemicals to feel just okay.

I had no awareness at the time that I had buried myself in a grave too deep to claw out from. If I did manage to push my way through the thick soil that kept me contained, nothing would make me feel as though I could clean the dirt off me. I would forever have the memory, the slight nag in my brain telling me I had not everything I needed to sustain life. I would forever be convincing myself that I needed more than food, water, clothing, and a home to survive.

If I continued on, not even the actually essentials for living would seem like they were that necessary. Only my sweet, deadly narcotics could soothe me out of the mental pain.

I was too naive to even consider those ideas.

My eyes flickered over the man that lay next to me that night; every inch of him was beauty that I wanted to soak in. Liquid crystals slowly leaked down my cheeks, the thoughts in the back of my head trying to get to me. My thoughts were battling each other, one telling me to continue on with my newly adapted lifestyle, and the other reminding me that Oli and my mother may just be a distant memory if I decided to continue.

I didn't want that. Not one bit. But I did rather like the refreshing waves of freedom just a needle and a yellow tinted liquid would wash over me; just like a cleansing bath.

The devil was on one shoulder, whispering tempting evils. An angel sat frantically on my other shoulder, trying her hardest to get me to realize what I was doing. I could just picture her jumping up and down, trying to get my attention whilst the devil spoke to me like a smooth talker.

The devil was slowly winning me over, handing over my addictions on a silver platter.

I cried myself to sleep, a dream sweeping over me quickly:

My heavy eyelids fluttered, glimpses of white flashing. Once my eyes finally managed to flicker open, they squinted once again. Hospitals ever bothered me before, but I felt sick as realization hit me of where I lay.

A nurse swayed into the room, a clipboard pressed firmly into her chest. Her white outfit sat lifeless and stiff against her aging body; she looked about 50. She dressed in an outfit that looked like it fit in well with the late 40's. The nurse looked like a woman that was working in the second World War. Her hair was curled neatly underneath a square hat. Everything she wore seemed lifeless and stiff. Nothing had movement. Everything seemed dead. It was creepy.

Her eyes swiftly moved to mine. Her lips pinched together, her face the epitome of disapproval. Her nose turned up in the air. She was utterly disgusted of me.

My eyebrows furrowed. I could careless about what this stuck up bitch thought of me. I rolled my eyes and turned away from her annoying gaze.

"You're set to leave today." She finally spoke up. I felt her slide needles out of my skin, turning off machines that beeped behind me. My eyes stayed focused on the dingy darkness of outside. The woman threw something light on my legs, startling me.

"Your clothing.." I glanced down at my legs to see a pair of jeans and a shapeless shirt folded neatly upon them. "We washed them for you, they looked rather disgusting when you came in here." My eyes shifted to look at her. Her lips twisted into a smirk. My expression changed from emotionless to confused.

"You know, for such a traumatic thing to happen to you, not one person we called cared enough to visit." I sat up further in my bed, my eyes pleading with her to go on.

"Your mother refused to come see you. She told us you were worthless to her. She told us to call you boyfriend, but he too had no care for you. Oli, I believe his name was, he told us that you were shit under his shoe. He told us that he'd piss on your grave when you died. Everyone else said about the same." Tears seeped out of my eyes, my stomach twisting in pain and hurt. My heart felt like it had been torn out of my torso and thrown into a pit of fire.

"Now get dressed and leave here so I can help someone deserving." She finished, her gaze just as hurtful as how I felt. She left with a slam of the door.

Sobs echoed through the room as I fumbled around. I finally found the bathroom and ripped off the blue hospital gown angrily and quickly put on my clothing.

Through all the fumbling and hasty movement, I found myself staring at my dull eyes in the mirror. In that mirror I could see my mother, smiling at me and holding me close to her heart lovingly. In that mirror I could see Oli tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear, staring at me like I was the only person in the world that could hold his attention. They both loved me, but now they hated me. They hated me.

Dancing behind me in the mirror, I could also see the Devil. He smirked at me while holding out a silver tray of my only possessions. He dared me to grab them.

My fists flung to the mirror, shattering the glass and making the images disappear. I just started to feel the sting, just started to feel the blood leak down my hands and fall to the white tiles. My eyes flickered down to see the contrast in colors before I was tossed out of the dream.

"Christiane!" Oli's voice yelled through the dream. Slowly the white and crimson faded away and my eyes opened. Oli sat on top of me, his eyes glistening with tears and fear.

"Oli?" My voice sounded strangled.

"Christiane! You were screaming, I didn't know what was happening!" Oli fell on top of me, wrapping his arms around me tightly. His grip made it hard to breathe. I didn't care. I never wanted to let go. I never wanted my nightmare to come true.

"Oli, would you ever leave me? If I hurt you, would you hate me? Would you leave me?" Tears leaked through my closed eyelids as I remembered the nurse’s words, "He told us that you were shit under his shoe. He told us that he'd piss on your grave when you died. Everyone else said about the same."

Oli paused and lifted himself from me. He smiled lightly down at me, bringing his thumb down under my eyes to wipe my tears away. I wished he could wipe away my pain just as quickly.

"Never. I'd never leave you. --- I love you."

As Oli spoke, I tried my hardest to push my dream away. It was all a dream, nothing more. But yet it nagged at me.

"I love you too." He leant down to kiss me gently, staying there to comfort me until I let myself drift off to sleep again.