Innocence to Experience.

"A week until graduation...it's pretty crazy, isn't it?" I smiled politely at my room mate, hoping she wouldn't realize my depression. 3 and a half years of the same depression. 3 and a half years with no Oliver. 3 and a half years without drugs, alcohol. 3 and a half years of history and psychology. Even if I had no wish to become a teacher or anything of the sort, I found both subjects as ways to forget my past, so I took them.

I'd been an intern at a salon for the past year and decided cosmetology was the way to go.
The small native girl I'd been sharing a dorm with for 3 years was seated on her bed, across from mine. Like always, she gazed at me with a curious look. She'd told me once that she had never seen someone so, blank.

"No offense, but I'm actually really happy I'll finally be out of here." I spoke up, which had become a rarity. I only spoke when I really wanted to, or when I needed to.

"None taken." Emily, that was her name, smiled brightly at me. Again, I faked a smile and continued to stare at my feet. I heard a soft thump. I looked up so see that Emily had decided to lay down on her bed. After making that discovery, I went straight back to looking down.

I reached over and pulled out my beside table drawer, taking a pack of Belmont's into my hands. Emily was always okay with me smoking in our room although it was against the rules. It was the only thing I had left to de-stress.

My red lighter flamed, and I lit the cancer stick, inhaling deeply. The smoke slowly weaved it's way into my veins, and slowly I sighed the dead smoke out of my body. I took another haul, and immediately my body started to feel less tense.

"If you really need to de-stress one day, or just pass out, I can always get some cigarettes from the reserve, they're strong." I glanced over and Emily, nodding and letting my body drop onto my bed. My eyes held contact with her for a while, trying to figure her out. I never tried before.

"Have you ever smoked them?" I asked. Emily blushed lightly, mumbling something and nodding. I smiled. The quiet girl had some bad ass in her.

"Where did you come from Emily?" I heard her sigh deeply, I could see in her eyes that she didn't want to talk about her past, and yet she began to speak.

"I lived on a reserve, the stereotypical one. The men drank, screwed their friends wives. My mum and I were hit a lot by my father...she died 4 years ago." She paused, smiled over at me, and continued to talk. "How about you?"

I grimaced.

"Sorry, you don't have to answer." Emily apologized, turning her head away from mine. I still continued to stare into the side of her head.

"You told me your story, I should tell you mine. It's only even." My eyes fluttered closed, my mind racing. I tried to think about what I was going to tell her, how I was going to tell her. How I was going to explain my story when I'm still grieving. I inhaled deeply, letting my eyes flicker open to look into her deep brown eyes.

"I was a home school kid, I had my mother and no one else...well, I had a friend, but she left me..." I held my breath, remembering Rose's face, missing her presence. "I had a boyfriend, an amazing boyfriend, but he introduced me to drinking, and drugs. I guess my mum realized what I'd become, a junkie, and decided that the only way I'd get out of it is to send me away from the source...my Oli."

My voice cracked. Tears stung my eyes. Unexpectedly, I started to sob.

"I want Oli, I want him back." I heard Emily's footsteps quickly run over to me, plucking the cigarette out of my fingers before I dropped it, and holding me tightly. "I want that." Emily didn't respond, she only held me tighter. I let my arms wrap around her tightly, clinging on to her like I always held Oli.

My sobs broke the silence, my tears dampened her sweater. Her long, dark, thick hair acted as a curtain, blocking out all light so all I could see through the lakes that seemed to cover my eyes was black.

Her hand had started to rub my back as I remembered how dark Oli's hair was, how thick and beautiful it was. He was beautiful. Inside and out.

"I really need that back now." Emily pulled away from me with a weak smile and pointed to the ash tray with a still burning smoke inside it. "Thank you for not tossing it, that'd be a waste." My voice cracked multiple times, but I still managed to break out a smile.

Through my shaky breath I took a huge drag, and exhaled with a less shaky breath. I continued this until the smoke was all gone, and my body had relaxed into my head board.
"Just remember soon you can graduate and start a brand new life..." Emily spoke, trying her hardest to help me see hope.

I hoped no more.