'Cause You're Holding Up My World

I leaned into him, our hands intertwined. The sun felt so warm against my skin, so tranquil. I kept my eyes shut as I mulled over things. Everything. It had been almost a year since things had been this way, perfect. Ridiculously and utterly perfect, because despite the bad days and frustrations, he was still by my side. Still mine.

He stood by me when things got out of control, when I thought life would take a turn for the worst again. Nearly a month after Joe and I had reconciled our relationship, my father had been released from prison. He had been a lawyer, once upon a time ago, it couldn't have been to difficult to weasel his way out.

Knowing that there was nothing restraining him from finding us had brought a fear in me I did not know I had. And it wasn't my life I feared for, it was for my mother's. For her health, her sanity, he happiness. She had spent years putting up with him, in denial all the while. When he left, it took a toll on her to cope with the fact of what her husband had become. And despite all that, she could not turn him down.

He showed up on our doorstep, looking like a new person. Like...my dad again.

"Elizabeth, Beth, my little girl--"

He sounded like he could barely breathe, like it hurt him too much to speak.

Good, I thought, he deserved the pain. Still, I backed away subconsciously, I didn't have the strength to run, though my brain was screaming for me to do just that.

Tears pooled in his eyes, threatening to spill over, "--sweetheart, I am so sorry," he whispered, reaching his arms out slightly, "that cannot even sum it up. I will never, ever forgive myself for the things I have done to you, to your mother and-- and our family. I don't ever expect you to forgive me, I don't even expect you to care if I am alive, but I couldn't just disappear without telling you that I love you. Despite what I may have said ever since your brother died, and the way in which I acted, I never stopped loving you or your mother. You have always and will always be my first priority, and I am so deeply ashamed that I made you believe otherwise."

I stared in disbelief.

A million different emotions coursed through my body in that moment. Rage, resentment, pity and remorse. I didn't want to believe him, I wanted to hate him like I had ever since that moment his fingers wrapped around my throat. I wanted the burning feeling of disgust for him to rekindle, because forgiving him would be weakness. Wouldn't it?

"Honey, who is it?" my mother had called, her voice growing louder.

I felt panic rise in me, but I hadn't a clue how to react.

"Marina!" my father cried anxiously, staggering forward.

I heard my mothers footsteps speed up, I knew she was in a rush to put herself between her daughter and the man who'd almost killed her. "Jeffrey?" she whispered in disbelief.

He nodded, slowly nearing her. She trembled slightly, obviously trying to pull away, but finding she was incapable. "Our daughter," she hissed angrily, tears glazing her eyes.

"I know," he nodded, his expression that of disgust, "I know I'm a lousy father. I promise that's changed, I can't live without my girls."

He came at full speed, wrapping his arms around my mother tightly. "You bastard," she cried angrily, never protesting to his touch, "you good for nothing bastard."

He nodded, kissing her head, never letting her get away.

And that was it.

We never spoke of the past after that day, and my mother took him back without any doubt in her mind. She knew, the way I did about Joe, that she could not live without this man, no matter how hard she tried.

I resented my dad, but never hated him, and in time, I was sure I'd forgive him. For now, I could barely look at him, let alone touch him. There was too much anger, but time would heal that. Time, and unconditional love.

"What are you thinking?" Joe's lips brushed against my ear before he planted a kiss on my hair.

I shook my head, taking his other hand in mine.

Then, there had been Amber. My beautiful best friend, my sister. If there was one thing I could have, aside from the love of my life, it would be for her happiness. I could not think of a person who deserved it more than she did.

When things between Joe and I were finally resolved, I knew that it would never change again, and my attention was focused solely on Amber. Her relationship with Jacob had been destroyed because of me. Because being my friend at the time had been a full time job. I was determined to fix that.

I called my old friend, the boy who'd saved my sister, when I thought she would be forever broken. The boy who'd put her heart back together after my brother died, the only boy I knew she would ever love again.

Their reunion was...sensual. It was beautiful, to see the way one could not be without the other, but it was also heart breaking. As love always appeared to be, through my eyes. Love had made this all happen.

My desperate need for it.

I had made enough mistakes for a life time, and I was sure that I'd make another few life time's worth, but having him changed everything. Especially having him, after I'd lost him. It had confirmed my belief that everyone's life had a meaning, he had been mine.

I would love him until I couldn't possibly love anymore. Until I couldn't feel anything at all.

"I take it you're enjoying the peace just as much as I am," he mused, his fingers tracing the shape of my face as he spoke.

I kept my eyes shut, but nodded in agreement. It had been our first moment of utter peace in what seemed like an eternity. "I'm glad I have you to share it with," he went on, a hint of a smirk in voice, "and I mean all of it, even when it gets out of control."

I smiled wearily, that was an understatement.

Joe's fans were very, enthusiastic. Not that their cries of hysteria bothered me-- it was nearly impossible not to be in complete awe by presence of the beautiful man who was holding me-- but it would be nice to, once in a while, be able to hear your own thoughts. Be able to walk down a street, holding his hand, without feeling like the world was watching.

But he was happy, so it was impossible for me to feel any different.

"Beth, say something," he nearly pleaded.

I inclined my head, locking his lips between mine softly.

"Or don't," he breathed, smiling against my mouth.

I pulled away, turning to face him. He smiled happily, "What is it?"

I shrugged, "It's just that...being here, it makes me realize how much I miss him you know? How much I wish he could have met you, I know he would have loved you, he would have seen how happy you make me," I whispered.

His thumb traced my jaw as he spoke, "He knows," he replied assuringly, "he can see it, and feel it, just how happy you are. I can tell how close you were, he's watching and he knows."

I shut my eyes, allowing a few tears to escape from behind my closed lids. He brushed them away instantly, "I feel guilty sometimes, being so happy. I mean, how can I be? My brother's dead. I shouldn't be happy."

"Don't you--Beth, you deserve it, after all you've been through."

I shook my head stubbornly, "No," I choked, "don't you see Joe, if Justin had never died, I wouldn't have you. And even though I know that never having you would mean still having my brother, I can't feel like that's what I would want. All the pain, everything, you were worth it. I feel so terrible."

"Don't you even think for a second that any of that is true," he insisted sharply.

"But if--"

"No," he repeated sternly, "no there's nothing you can say that would change my mind. One way or another, I would have found you Beth, you were made for me."

I stared at him incredulously, his words having ignited a frenzy in me. I had never wanted him so much before. Ever.

I darted forward, wrapping my arms around his neck in the process. He smiled in understanding, welcoming me gladly as I trapped his lips between mine, kissing him fervently.

"Stupid promise," I muttered in frustration, "stupid chastity."

His body shook against mine as he broke into a fit of laughter, and I couldn't help join. "Shut up," I demanded, punching him playfully.

"I'm sorry," he smiled, "you're just--"

"Stupid, I know," I cut in with a smirk.

He rolled his eyes, "I was going to say cute, Elizabeth."

"Well you're pretty cute yourself, Joseph."

"Ha ha."

I grinned as he stood up, taking me with him. "Let's go," he suggested.

I nodded, "Can you give me a minute? I have to say goodbye."

"Sure," he agreed, and he bent down slightly to kiss my lips lightly.

I watched until he was out of earshot to turn around, facing my brother's grave. I knelt down, this was so much harder than I thought it would be.

Justin Mathew Jensen
1987-2007

Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

"I love life," I whispered, "and I will have no sorrow to die, now that I've found my purpose," I tilted my head to the side, my eyes welling up, "it's going to be hard to be away from you. Not having you to come to. But I need to go with Joe, I can't digest the thought of being without him for so long. Living on the road will probably be a headache, but he makes it all worth it."

I sighed, turning to see Joe waiting patiently in the car. "This is my life now, you know? And it all makes sense, and it feels perfect, no matter how hard it is sometimes. Things are finally going back to normal, except they're even better than before. You're the only thing missing. I love you so much more than you ever had the chance to know. Watch over Amber, I know she's still so in love with you."

I pressed the tip of my hand to my lips, then touched the ground. "You'll be first to know when I'm back," I promised, "I love you."

I stood up, taking one last glance before I ran towards Joe. I got in the car, slamming the door shut after me. He reached forward, squeezing my knee, "Are you ready?"

I looked behind me, the backseat held all my luggage's. This was goodbye, would drive to his house, where the bus was already waiting. "I'm ready," I breathed, smiling through the tears that were clouding my eyes.

"And you're sure about this baby, you don't have--"

"I love you, OK. I want to be with you, no questions asked."

He nodded, "I love you too."

I sighed, looking out the window.

The love I felt for him was nothing like the love I had felt for him two years ago, when we had first met. That love was desperate, needy and impossible. I needed him to breathe, and think and speak. To function. And now I could say that the love I felt for him was equally as passionate, except I didn't need him to keep me up, to fix me.

I needed him to be my better half. All I ever needed, was for him to love me.

Becauselove Joe, made my world go round.