Letters From The Outskirts Of Normality
Letter #18
Hey…
Do you ever have those days where you can just feel something bad happening? Like everything just, has an edge to it? That deep gut feeling telling you to watch your steps because today there are no second chances. Your guardian angel is on holiday and it’s up to you to stay alive and well? I guess you can say I’ve been having one of those days. It started the Friday after thanksgiving. (Which my mother literally tied my to the car seat and drove me to Utah with her for. The fucking bitch.)
It was just me and Ryan in the apartment while Spencer and Jasey were out Black Friday shopping. We laid in his bed watching movies and just enjoying each others company. Our own version of Thanksgiving since neither one of us enjoyed the minimal family time. I can’t exactly pinpoint when the feeling sunk in but I remember laying with my head against Ryan’s chest and just thinking…. What if I was to die tomorrow? Tonight? A week from now? And it’s hard to explain but it felt like a boulder slammed into my chest. Just this, feeling of being so small in the world.
“If you died tomorrow, would you be happy with your life?” I asked Ryan who pulled his eyes away from the movie flickering on the screen to look at me.
“What brings this up Bren? You feeling okay?”
“Just, would you?”
He sighed and seemed to be in deep thought for a moment, “I-I don’t know. It could’ve been worse but there are still so many things I would like to do in this world before I leave.”
We fell silent, turning our attention back to the scripted story line in front of us. We stayed silent when we flicked off the TV and curled against one another in the large bed. We stayed silent while we played old memories back and forth in our minds.
“What about you Bren? Would you be happy?”
It didn’t take me as long to reply as it had taken Ryan. Or maybe it took longer, I’m not sure. But to me the decision seemed to come quickly and that’s what scared me.
“No. I wouldn’t be happy.”
“Good.”
----
The following day was when I really started getting paranoid. It felt as if every stranger on the street was watching me or every obstacle in my path could be a certain death. My mind must have set off on hundreds of ways to die that day.
‘There could be water on the floor, I could slip and break my neck.’
‘That man, he’s moving, he’s moving, he’s going to rape, kill and bury me. Not necessarily in that order.’
‘The ground is shaking, there’s an earthquake coming. The buildings will come crashing down any time now.’
‘That moving bus will pop the curb and run straight into me.’
These bizarre scenarios just kept playing across my mind, back and forth all day. Some more far fetched than others. But some were common deaths. Anyone can fall and puncture and artery. Who says I, clumsy ass that I am, won’t just accidentally trip and send my pencil straight into my eye and cutting into my brain in the middle of Biology! Who says that won’t happen?!
I know I’m acting crazy right now but there’s just something in the air that has every nerve in my body on edge. It’s probably nothing but what if it is something? I would hate for the later to be right.
“Hey Ry?”
“Yeah?”
“We should take a trip this summer.”
“We can do that. Where do you want to go?”
“Anywhere. Everywhere.”
“That might take a while Bren.” He chuckled looking at me over the kitchen counter.
“I know. But that’s where I want to go. I feel like I haven’t seen the world. I’ve been to 4 states. And I’m almost 18 years old. That’s like a state every four years!”
“Calm down turbo. You’ve got your whole life to see the world.”
“No. That’s the thing, I don’t know how long my life is! Who’s to say my whole life consists of 18 years? “
“Nothing is ever a sure thing Bren. But you can’t just drop everything and decide your life is going to end in a year. I don’t know how long any of us have, but you have to plan for a nice long happy life too.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I grumbled and looked how at the floor. But the feeling in my guy is screaming a completely different argument.
“Are you okay?” He asks walking over to me and pulling me into a hug.
“Yeah, I think I am now.”
Take care of yourself. You don’t know when it’ll be gone.
-Bren
Do you ever have those days where you can just feel something bad happening? Like everything just, has an edge to it? That deep gut feeling telling you to watch your steps because today there are no second chances. Your guardian angel is on holiday and it’s up to you to stay alive and well? I guess you can say I’ve been having one of those days. It started the Friday after thanksgiving. (Which my mother literally tied my to the car seat and drove me to Utah with her for. The fucking bitch.)
It was just me and Ryan in the apartment while Spencer and Jasey were out Black Friday shopping. We laid in his bed watching movies and just enjoying each others company. Our own version of Thanksgiving since neither one of us enjoyed the minimal family time. I can’t exactly pinpoint when the feeling sunk in but I remember laying with my head against Ryan’s chest and just thinking…. What if I was to die tomorrow? Tonight? A week from now? And it’s hard to explain but it felt like a boulder slammed into my chest. Just this, feeling of being so small in the world.
“If you died tomorrow, would you be happy with your life?” I asked Ryan who pulled his eyes away from the movie flickering on the screen to look at me.
“What brings this up Bren? You feeling okay?”
“Just, would you?”
He sighed and seemed to be in deep thought for a moment, “I-I don’t know. It could’ve been worse but there are still so many things I would like to do in this world before I leave.”
We fell silent, turning our attention back to the scripted story line in front of us. We stayed silent when we flicked off the TV and curled against one another in the large bed. We stayed silent while we played old memories back and forth in our minds.
“What about you Bren? Would you be happy?”
It didn’t take me as long to reply as it had taken Ryan. Or maybe it took longer, I’m not sure. But to me the decision seemed to come quickly and that’s what scared me.
“No. I wouldn’t be happy.”
“Good.”
----
The following day was when I really started getting paranoid. It felt as if every stranger on the street was watching me or every obstacle in my path could be a certain death. My mind must have set off on hundreds of ways to die that day.
‘There could be water on the floor, I could slip and break my neck.’
‘That man, he’s moving, he’s moving, he’s going to rape, kill and bury me. Not necessarily in that order.’
‘The ground is shaking, there’s an earthquake coming. The buildings will come crashing down any time now.’
‘That moving bus will pop the curb and run straight into me.’
These bizarre scenarios just kept playing across my mind, back and forth all day. Some more far fetched than others. But some were common deaths. Anyone can fall and puncture and artery. Who says I, clumsy ass that I am, won’t just accidentally trip and send my pencil straight into my eye and cutting into my brain in the middle of Biology! Who says that won’t happen?!
I know I’m acting crazy right now but there’s just something in the air that has every nerve in my body on edge. It’s probably nothing but what if it is something? I would hate for the later to be right.
“Hey Ry?”
“Yeah?”
“We should take a trip this summer.”
“We can do that. Where do you want to go?”
“Anywhere. Everywhere.”
“That might take a while Bren.” He chuckled looking at me over the kitchen counter.
“I know. But that’s where I want to go. I feel like I haven’t seen the world. I’ve been to 4 states. And I’m almost 18 years old. That’s like a state every four years!”
“Calm down turbo. You’ve got your whole life to see the world.”
“No. That’s the thing, I don’t know how long my life is! Who’s to say my whole life consists of 18 years? “
“Nothing is ever a sure thing Bren. But you can’t just drop everything and decide your life is going to end in a year. I don’t know how long any of us have, but you have to plan for a nice long happy life too.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I grumbled and looked how at the floor. But the feeling in my guy is screaming a completely different argument.
“Are you okay?” He asks walking over to me and pulling me into a hug.
“Yeah, I think I am now.”
Take care of yourself. You don’t know when it’ll be gone.
-Bren
♠ ♠ ♠
So I'm getting back on track.Comments would be greatly appreciated! I'd love to hear what you all think. =]