Beautiful Tragedy

"Bert!"

Something was grabbing my shoulders, shaking me. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to push whatever it was off of me.

"I can't leave him! I can't!"

"Bert! Wake up!"

My eyes flew open and I started to laugh. Laugh in relief that it wasn't real, that I hadn't let him die. My chuckles turned to hysterics, rolling around on my bunk, gripping my side thanks to the lack of oxygen I was breathing in. I had nothing to laugh for but relief, pure happiness that I still had a chance.

"What's wrong, Bert?"

For the first time I looked up at who had woke me, and after seeing Beth's scruffy hair and smudged eyeliner from the day before, her sleepy eyes staring at me in concern I jumped up from my bunk and hugged her.

"Nothing's wrong! Why would anything be wrong?" My voice was giddy, and I started to giggle again letting her go and holding her at arms length, watching her.

"You woke me up because you were sobbing in your sleep," She told me, shaking her head in confusion. "C'mon, let's go get a coffee since you woke me up, no-one else is awake yet."

"I was crying?" I pulled a hand up to my face and dabbed my cheeks, which were stained with tears. I quickly wiped them away before pulling on a jumper I'd left discarded at the bottom of my bunk and followed her through to the kitchen, where she was flicking the kettle on.

"What's the time?" My voice had quietened down considerably since I discovered that no-one was awake, and as I slinked down into the chair, I tried my hardest to be as noiseless as possible.

"Six," I heard her muffle a yawn as she bought over two cups of coffee and handed one to me before sitting on the chair opposite, curling her legs underneath her. "I haven't been up this early since god knows when."

"Sorry." I frowned. I didn't realise I'd been crying in my sleep, and it must have been loud if it had woken Beth up...Jess had told me she slept through a fire alarm once.

"It's fine," She wrapped her hands around the coffee and shuffled around a bit until she got comfortable. "So, you going to tell me what this dream was about?"

And so I told her, and when Carl walked into the longue hours later, rubbing his eyes sleepily, Beth and I were still in the same position. He looked at both of us with a confused look on his face before yawning and walking over to the kettle.

"I'm not going to bother asking."

We both laughed, much to the annoyance of Carl - he wasn't a morning person to say the least. To be fair, neither was I, but I'd been up for hours, to be it already felt like lunchtime. I rubbed my hands together in an attempt to warm up, and chuckled at Carls grumbling attempts to be friendly.

"Cmmfe?" He asked, turning towards us expectantly. I frowned as I tried to work out what he meant and although I could roughly translate it as 'Coffee?' I wasn't one hundred percent certain and thought it was wise to let Beth answer.

"No thanks, Carl. I'm about to take a shower." She got up just as Jess walked in the room, pulling at her hair in attempt to flatten it. She glanced in the mirror and her mouth dropped, she covered her pink and black locks with both hands and started to edge towards the bathroom.

"Uh, I'm going to have to wash it," She grinned at us and raced Beth to the bathroom. Beth had the upper hand since she'd been awake for hours, consequently having already had about four coffees this morning and slammed the door shut leaving Jess stamping her foot in protest.

"But what about if Frank comes round?" She whined through the door, banging her fist against it.

"Wear a hat," Was the quick reply before the water was turned on, and the conversation abruptly stopped. I stood and stretched my legs, placing my empty coffee mug on the side. I'd decided to go and get changed before the bunk area was a fluster of t-shirts, flying pants and annoyed screams.

I pulled out a pair of khaki three-quarter jeans and a 'The Bled' band t-shirt - an outfit that Quinn would probably laugh at if I was back home, with him and Jeph cracking jokes throughout the day of how I rarely wore anything else. As I thought about the normalities of home, a dull ache grew from my stomach.

I missed my three best friends more than anything. I shook my head and grabbed my cigarette packet and mobile from my bed, and walked back through the lounge area - where strangely enough Ed was styling Jess's hair. Apparently he'd thought the best way to solve the puffiness of it was to...make it more puffy. He'd started to back-comb it, and every so often Jim would run in with the hairspray, fumigating the bus.

I laughed, coughed and laughed again before dismissing myself from the bus to get a nicotine fix. I hated smoking on the bus, I always believed that it was impolite - a trait that had been rubbed off on me from Jeph insisting that I'd stand by the door. I pulled a fag out of the packet and lit in, quickly pushing it to my lips. I inhaled slowly and deeply, letting the nicotine settle into my system before exhaling it and waving away the smoke. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, and dialled Jeph's number, waiting patiently for him to pick up.

"Whatsamatta?"

I frowned at the unusual greeting I'd received and took another toke from my cigarette.

"No, 'Hey Bert! I haven't spoken to you in forever'? I must say Jepharee, I'm hurt!"

"You dipstick!" I raised my eyebrows in suprise, what had I done this time? "It's frigging 3am."

"Oops!" I giggled, but then thought it might not be the best idea. Jeph already seemed peeved. "Sorry...I forgot..."

"Whatever, Bert. You total donk!" I chuckled at Jeph's choice of insult. Every time I spoke to him it was something new, but donk?

"So how've you been?" I asked. The routine of lifting the cigarette to my lips, inhaling and lowering it before exhaling had become natural after all the years I had smoked, and I didn't even think about it as I inhaled, waiting for Jeph's answer.

"Good, I guess. It's quiet without you here." He yawned, "Sorry to cut this short, Bert. But I'm real tired, can you ring me later?"

"Oh, yeah sure" I mumbled, "Sorry for interupting your beauty sleep..."

"It's okay, Bert. Bye"

He hung up before I could respond. I took the phone from my ear and looked at it pathetically before hanging up. I chucked the rest of my fag on the floor and stamped it out.

"Well, well, does lover boy not have any time for the 'perfect'..." The word was accompanied by bunny ears and a venom laced voice. Venom laced....but beautiful. "Bert McCracken."

Gerard was surrounded by roadies from the other bus. They all laughed. I don't think they done it to be mean, but more because it was something to laugh at. It hurt, though, dug deep.

"I don't have a lover boy"

"Awwhh!" It had turned patronising, and now every eye was focused on him. "Berties not loved by anyone?" He turned to the rest of the guys, "Well....apart from himself."

I turned wordlessly and jumped onto the bus, slamming the door shut behind me. My eyes stung but I refused to let the tears fall down.

It's just a defence mechanism, I told myself. I'd gotten too close, and he's trying to warn me to back off.

Well I have news for you Gerard Way. I'm not going to back off. No matter how much you hurt me, i'm going to follow this through. Because I know you like me, you've buried your emotions but you don't fool me. And I will break down this barrier.

Just you wait.