Everything We Had

I carried the small child on my hip, walking through the throng of people that crowded the small sidewalk. Kassie whined, complaining incessantly about the heat.

"Shh, baby," I soothed her. "We'll be there soon."

I shoved my way through the people and turned into a local restaurant. And there he sat, twirling a paper umbrella in his drink. I sighed and put Kassie down and grabbed her hand, walking toward the man at the table. My heart beat faster as I got closer and my breathing turned ragged.

Kassie pulled on my shirt. "Mommy, are you OK?"

She looked up at me, her wide brown eyes so innocent and sweet. She had his eyes, something I always loved. Her curly brown hair looked like his too, only longer and thinner. When she smiled I could see her daddy in every feature. It broke my heart.

"Yes, sweetie. Mommy's fine. C'mon," I said, pulling on her arm.

She followed me to the small table, and looked up at the man sitting in the booth. When we approached the table, he looked at Kassie first and I watched his eyes fill with sad recognition. My heart fluttered and I took another deep breath. When he finished looking at his daughter, his eyes switched to look at me.

I smiled lightly at him, taking a place in the booth across from him and pulled Kassie in next to me. I sat in silence, staring at my folded hands. Kassie looked between me and him, apparently confused. I could feel his eyes boring into me, but I made no effort to look at him.

The waiter came over and asked for my and Kassie's drink.

"A water for her and a Pepsi with lime for me, please," I said, resuming my staring when the waiter left.

"How long have you been in Chicago?" He asked, forcing me to look up at him.

And when I did, I wished I hadn't. His mahogany eyes were sad and expectant, just like they were before I left. I felt all the love and anger and resentment and every emotion in between return when I stared into his eyes. I knew I was going to have to answer him soon.

"About three and a half years."

He nodded, pursing his lips together. I could tell he was trying not to get angry. Almost four years in Chicago and not one bit of contact between us. I would be mad too if I was him, so I couldn't exactly blame him. Kassie decided to speak up.

"Mommy, who is he?"

My heart shattered, and by the looks of it, so did his. I swallowed hard.

"This is... William, Kassie-Sweetie. He's an old... friend of mine."

"Oh. Hi!' She said, waving sweetly at him and smiling.

"Hello," he replied, smiling at her.

Then he looked at me. His eyes glazed over and I had to stop myself from cringing away. I knew that I should probably have told her something about her dad, but she never asked and I never talked.

Thankfully the waiter returned with our drinks. When I got mine, I took it almost downed the whole thing in one breath, thus resulting in a major headache. I grabbed my head and groaned, putting my head in my hands and resting my elbows on the table.

"Mommy, are you OK?"

I nodded. "Yes, baby. I'm fine."

"Maybe we should go somewhere different...?" William offered, the glazed look his eyes disappearing and looking concerned.

"Maybe we should," I agreed. "C'mon Kassie, we have to go." I scooted her out of my way and scooped her up in my arms, my head still pounding from the avoidable brain freeze.

"Where are we going, Mommy?"

I stopped and looked at William. He stood up out of the booth, towering over me. His six-foot-plus frame always was no match for my measly five-foot-three mark. I stared at him, feeling very lightheaded. I hadn't seen him in almost four years and I still felt weak-knee-ed around him. I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths before opening them again.

William stared at me, his eyebrows in a deep V. "Where do you want to go?" He asked, setting ten dollars on the table.

"We, uh... can go back to my place, I guess," I said.

"OK. Where do you live? I drove here, so you can, you know, come with me."

I thought about it for a second. At that exact same moment, Kassie yawned and put her head on my shoulders, pulling her thumb to her mouth. Nap time. My decision was made.

"Yeah, that'll be great. I have to put her down for a nap anyway."

He smiled at me and put his wallet away. We walked outside into the crowded streets. Thunder rumbled lowly, the now darker clouds churning slowly in the sky above. I followed William to his car, setting in an almost asleep Kassie in the back.

"Where do you live?" He asked as he turned on the car.

"In the apartments around the corner," I said quietly, pointing in the direction.

He sighed and pulled out of the small space. The short ride was spent silently, William stared out the windsheild and I looked out the passenger window. Kassie's light snores came from the back. He pulled into a parking space, and turned off the car. Looking to his right, he saw the same car that I had almost four years ago.

"You still have that?" He asked, a smile appearing on his face.

I laughed. "Of course. I can't really afford anything else, anyway. But I like that car. I couldn't give it up..." My voice trailed toward the end, becoming somber.

William's smile slowly faded and he got out of the car. I followed suit and opened the back door, picking Kassie up. I held her in my arms, and walked up the many flights up to our apartment. William followed silently behind me. When we got to the door, I tried to reach into my purse and grab my keys.

"Here," William said, taking my purse.

"Thanks," I sighed, hitching Kassie higher on my hip.

He pulled my keys out of the bottom of my purse and opened the door. Like the gentleman he was, he held the door open and waited for me to walk in. I smiled gratefully at him and I walked into Kassie's bedroom, setting her down and tucking her in bed.

When I walked back into the living room, I saw William sitting on the couch, staring off out the window. I quietly walked over to him and sat down, putting a hand on his leg. He turned to face me, his eyes thoughtfully sad. He stared at me for a moment before he smiled.

"I've missed you, you know," he said, his voice far away.

"Yeah, so did I." My voice sounded sad and distant. "Why'd you decide to come and see me now?"

"I don't really know. I guess I just felt that I had to see you. And her," he nodded to Kassie's room.

I sighed. "She looks so much like you. It's crazy how much she looks like you..."

It got silent for a minute. I stared across the living room, at a picture of me and Kassie on her second birthday. I remember that day. It was the day that I first heard about The Academy Is... and William Beckett's fame. I was pretty shocked about the whole thing. I didn't honestly think that they'd blossom into such a popular band.

And that was part of the reason we didn't exactly talk anymore. I got fed up with his band and his constant being gone. I regret every part of that fight, and I wish I could take it all back, but I think Kassie is better off. And that was another reason I left; I had found out I was pregnant.

It wasn't anything on William's side. He was young and reckless, but he still wanted the baby. But I was pretty adament about not letting her anywhere near the rockstar scene. I didn't want my baby growing up surrounded by the horrors of touring. So one night, I took off not even leaving a note or called anyone to let them know what happened.

And since then, I had no contact with anyone William or anyone else from The Academy Is.

I switched my gaze back to William. I was startled to see that he was staring intently at me, and it was obvious to see that he was fighting with himself. I turned away and looked down at my hands. The silence ensued.

"Why?" He asked softly, suddenly.

"Why what?" I whispered, turning my head. I knew exactly what he meant.

"Why? Why did you just leave?" His voice was softer and I could feel his breath ghosting on my skin.

"Because, I didn't want Kassie around all that. I was afraid that something would happen and I didn't want to take any chances."

"Then why did you stop all contact with me? You didn't have to exclude me. I didn't exactly deserve your rejection." He scooted closer, putting his arm around the back of the couch.

I swallowed hard. "I'm sorry," I whispered, casting my eyes downward with shame. "I didn't mean to."

"You know you could have at least mentioned me to her. At least let me be known that she has a father, but you didn't even do that. Why?"

This time I could hear some resentment in his voice, and rightfully so. I didn't have a good reason for that. I looked up at him. His eyes were sad, and angry at the same time. I blinked back the tears that were starting to form.

"I don't know," I choked out. "And I'm sorry for that. I don't have a good reason for anything I did. I just did it and didn't think twice about it. And I regret every second that I didn't call you and that I didn't say anything to Kassie. I regret running off and I regret -"

I never got to finish my little tangent.

William cut me off, but not with his words. I felt his lips on mine before I could register what happened. The kiss was slow and sweet; there was no urgency behind it. Slowly, his hand reached up, cupping the back of my neck. My mind screamed for me to stop, to stop everything before it could get too far. But my heart pushed me forward, telling me to go for it.

I pulled away from him.

I put my hands on his shoulders, forcing some distance between us. William's eyes were half closed and his mouth hung open. I licked my lips and contemplated my options. At the rate things were going, not much could be left to the imagination.

"What?" He breathed.

"What are you doing, William?" I asked, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Doing what?"

"This!" I cried, waving a hand between us. "I don't think this is exactly fair!"

"I'm not being fair?" He asked, letting go. "No, what isn't fair is you leaving. What isn't fair is you not letting me know! You haven't been fair to me, so give me a damn good reason why I have to be fair to you!" His eyes were burning. Not with anger, but with a longing passion.

My breath caught in my throat as I was at a loss for an answer. He smirked at my hesitant demenor and leaned in.

His lips captured mine again, this time the kiss wasn't so sweet. It was more urgent, more needy. His lips worked fervently over mine, pressing for more. He leaned in, forcing me to lean back and lay back on the couch. He smirked in the kiss when I brought my arms and locked them around his neck, pulling him closer.

William's body was now covering mine, and he pulled away, moving to my neck. I closed my eyes, moving my body into his. His lips locked on my neck, he wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me up, sitting me in his lap so his back was on the back of the couch.

He trailed kisses up my neck, leaving a white hot wake in its path. My hands tangled themselves in his hair, and he pulled away, resting his forhead on mine. Both of our breathing was heavy and eyes half closed. William's hands trailed themselves up and down my sides. One hand he brought to my face, tracing my neck, my jaw, my cheek bones. His thumb ghosted over my lips.

Placing his hand at the base of my neck, he pulled me forward, our lips colliding. He wrapped his arms around my waist again, but this time hooked around my thighs. He stood up, still not breaking the kiss, and carried me to my bedroom. Walking into my room, he kicked the door shut with ease and set me down on the bed, crawling so he was over me.

My hands worked their way down, feeling for the bottom of his shirt. I ran my hands under, feeling his skin, the soft, hot skin of his stomach under my hands. My hands roamed further up, pulling the shirt along with it. He moaned at my touch, and it was my turn to smile. I broke the kiss and pulled his shirt over his head.

I put my lips to his shoulder, placing small, sweet kisses here and there. The moment became less urgent, less needy. He turned over, laying on his back. Grabbing my sides he pulled me over him, forcing me to straddle his waist. I looked down into his eyes, placing my hands on either side of his face.

My eyes searched his face, and I looked deep into his eyes. Not all the intimate lust was gone, but most of it was replaced with that lost love, the sweet intimacy that used to be between us radiated from deep within. I smiled at him and leaned down, placing a small kiss on his lips.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.