Making the Album

Tony refused to buy a dress, and Billie refused to wear a tuxedo. So Tony wore a pair of Billie's black pants and her Led Zeppelin beater. Her eyeliner was spectacularly smudgy and her hair freshly dyed with the usual green, pink and blue. Billie wore his usual attire of black and red, with impeccably done make-up and a festive bow-tie.
Mike was the best man, as expected. Tony named Tre as her maid of honor. The drummer showed up at the wedding in a slinky black gown more suited to a teenage prostitute than a full-grown man. But somehow, Tre managed to not only pull it off, but look fabulous.

So lounging about before the wedding, he sat quietly on the chair and watched as Tony paced.

"You're going to wind up breaking something, Tony."
"What if he backs out?"
"He's not going to."
"He might."
"He won't."
"But what if he does?"
"He's not going to."

Tony looked at him for a long minute.

"I need a cigarette." She muttered and rummaged on the shelf next to the speaker. She paused for a moment, fiddled with the speakers, then pressed the play button. 'Homecoming' shook the ceiling.

She lit her cigarette, opened the window, and proceeded to chain smoke the entire pack.

Tre sighed and kicked off his heels.

***

"Billie, if you get drunk, I am NOT carrying you down the aisle."

Billie glared at Mike.

"I'm not going to get drunk at my own fucking wedding."
"So you're just drinking the vodka for...fun?"
"Don't be an asshole."
"You're going to get stinking drunk and ruin the wedding." Mike told him, and tossed the bottle out the window.
"I was drinking that."
"I know. Hence, the problem."

They glared at each other for a second. Then Billie dropped into a chair.

"What if she doesn't want me? What if she thinks this is a mistake?"

Mike made a little sympathetic hum in his throat, then sat down next to his friend.

"Billie, if she thought her relationship with you was a mistake, then she wouldn't have come back all those times you two were fighting. I watched her play the guitar until her fingers bled when you were gone. I think I can honestly say she loves you."

They were silent for a few minutes.

"Let's do this thing." Billie said, and marched out to the altar.

***

It was the kind of wedding only two rockstars could have. Steven Tyler arrived in feathers. The remaining members of Queen were wearing white velvet. Death Cab for Cutie sneakily took seats in the back to avoid the papparazzi. Robert Plant and Eric Clapton shared a pew after congratulating Billie. Angelina Jolie arrived with both children and demanded a seat near the front. Billy Idol showed up with two women on each arm and kissed Tony full on the mouth. Hilary Duff tried to get in, but was turned away, along with the Lacheys, to Tony's delight.

Jenna Jameson and Pamela Anderson arrived, respective boyfriends in tow. Judd Nelson and Emilio Estevez made an appearance, to Tony's delight. Dane Cook, Dave Attell and Greg Giraldo were there, taking a break from their comedy tour. Lil John showed up seconds later with his posse. He spanked the bride, and was spanked by Tre.
Fall Out Boy, who the Dolls had befriended weeks earlier, appeared just as Tony was about to walk down the aisle, and their lead singer gave her a piggyback ride to the altar, then saluted Billie.

The soundtrack was stunning. Given the musicians in attendance, it couldn't be anything but extraordinary. Forget vows, these two expressed their love in spectacular guitar solos that echoed impressively around the enourmous church.

When they kissed, it was illuminated by a thousand flashbulbs. And instead of ruining the moment, it only made it more beautiful.

***

The reception was insane. There was liquor galore, not to mention drugs. Slash of Velvet Revolver got too trashed to walk, and collasped on the dance floor giggling. People danced around him until his bandmates picked him up. The members of Motely Crue mooned the photographers, then the newlyweds. Which prompted Tony to spank them soundly.

A moment that practically BEGGED to be recorded for the posterity, yet, mysteriously, none of paparazzi felt compelled to photograph it.

Pamela Anderson signed Tre's 'boobs'. Blondie and Robert comandeered a camera and took halarious candid shots of the guests. Billie and Lil' John did shots. Mike and Jay started a food fight. And, in the middle of all this, Tre saw Tom sitting by himself, smoking a cigarette. It was odd behavior for an event such as a wedding, and Tre decided to investigate.

"Why so glum, Tom? I've saved you a bridesmaid."
"I used to have short hair and a job. I used to get straight A's. I used to have a family."
"I know. But you've got us now."
"I used to be so afraid..."
"You don't have to be. There's nothing he can do to you anymore."
"You don't understand. He's insane."
"Doesn't matter how crazy he is, dude. We've got security now. He's gone. He can't hurt you anymore."

Tom's voice was hollow.

"Yeah...but he can sure as hell try..."

***

"I love you." Billie whispered, wrapping his arms around his wife.
"I've been told if you say that too many times, your head explodes." Tony replied, smiling.

Billie chuckled, and they watched as their guests turned the elegant hotel dance floor into a mosh pit.

"If only there was some mud around..." Tony sighed. "I really liked the idea of recreating Woodstock '94."
"I don't want any mud in my mouth tonight, baby."
"And what exactly do you want in that mouth?" Tony's eyes sparkled.

But before Billie could think of some clever sexual idiom, the DJ interrupted.

"and now, clear the floor for our newlyweds, as they have their first dance as husband and wife." The DJ boomed. Tony leapt to her feet before Billie could move.

"Shall we?" She asked, extending a hand.
"Of course." He replied with a smile.

Def Leppard was playing 'Miss You In A Heartbeat'. Billie held Tony close, ignoring the soft flashes of the cameras.

He never wanted this moment to end.