Changes

When he finally managed to sneak backstage, he realized just how much these people loved Tony.

She was surrounded by a sort of entourage. Girls, boy, young, old, swarmed around her chattering compliments. He cursed, because this only made things harder.

But she looked up and saw him. And she seemed to freeze. But she didn't point him out, or disappear again. Almost instantly, the crowd around her seemed to disperse.

Then she crossed her arms, and looked at him. He put his hands into his pockets, clenching his fists.

"Can we...can we talk?"

She nodded slowly.

"Sure. Let's go out the back way, have a cigarette."

She flipped him a Marlboro and produced a lighter. Billie had never seen a lighter like that before. Shining silver, with tiny, intricate designs etched into the surface. She clicked it once, twice, and it burst into flame.

"Put it in your mouth, I'll light it for you." He looked at her, holding her eyes while she held the lighter to his cigarette.

Lighting her own, she inhaled, and blew a perfect smoke ring.

There were a few minutes of perfect silence. Then Billie looked at her.

"Why?"

Tony laughed bitterly, taking drag on her cigarette.

"I don't really know...it would be so easy to say it was the drugs that made me do it...but you deserve a real answer..."

Her voice trailed off and she took another drag on her cigarette.

"When I was thirteen, I discovered drugs. Coke, pot, whatever. It was just an escape. And around that time, life was just...hard...at least for me. I felt so stifled at home. My parents have never liked my music, never liked who I was as a person. I just wanted an escape. And for a little while, drugs were enough."

She sighed. The moonlight played over her face, casting shadows.

"I started cutting just for the release...to see the blood...and because I never felt that I deserved anything I had. I just...hated myself, Billie. I still do. There's time I look in the mirror and just want to kill what I see, because I can't stand myself."
"But why? Tony, you're not a bad person."
"Billie, I let my parents push me around for years. I let them dictate my life. The day I left them was the happiest day of my life. But then I think back, and I see how many times I could have contradicted them. There were so many times...SO many time, Billie, that I could have changed things."

He looked at her. She was so beautiful, so imperfect. How could she hate herself?

"I just...I would shoot up and cut to see the blood...and then...and then Marty died. And then I made myself stop. That's why I'm such a drinker. I would go out drinking to keep myself away from the drugs and away from the razors."

She glanced sideways, and tossed it sideways into a puddle.

"But Billie, look."

She pulled off the gloves, exposing the mutilated skin.

"These scars, they're all old. None of them are new."

He looked at the scars. And she was right. At a glance, you couldn't tell, but looking closely, he realized they must have been done months ago.

Quickly, he flung his cigarette away, leaned down and kissed the ruined skin. Tony's eyes filled with tears.

"Billie..." She whispered.
"Shh." He ordered, and picked her up.
"My guitar..."
"I'll buy you a new one." He told her, and kissed her.

~~~

They crashed onto the tour bus. Billie refused to stop kissing Tony, and she obviously didn't have any objection.

Somehow, they made their way down the bus to the bed. Billie remembered Tony undressing him and smiled.

"Why are you smiling?" Tony asked him.

He threw her down on the bed and jumped on top of her.

"Because you're just too perfect."

And he kicked the door shut behind him, leaving them in darkness. Tony skimmed her hands down his body...

And Billie fell off the edge of the world.