Aaron Gillespie

The ache in Alicia's lower back came and went all the rest of the day. Sometimes it didn't feel like much. Other times it hurt like the dickens. But at least she convinced Aaron and Grandpa Roger that she was feeling herself again.

felling herself.

When was the last time that had been an accurate description? She didn't know what "herself" should feel like.

Just what was normal? She wondered.

Much to her surprise and pleasure, Aaron accompanied Alicia and Grandpa to church the following morning. She'd invited him before, but he'd always declined. She hadn't realized how much it would mean to her for him to say yes until it happened.

It began to snow again in the afternoon. Aaron shoveled the walks three different times and spread ice melt as an extra safeguard. Alicia decided the least she could do was find his missing planner. However, there would be no more crawling on the floor.

Standing at the bottom of the stairs, she stared towards Aaron's office. He wasnt a careless sort. On the contrary, he was well-organized. He wouldnt misplace his day planner. Since he'd come to live in her house, shed seen him make numerous entries to that black book. She knew how important it was to him.

So what had happened to it? She couldn't imagine a thief coming into her home and stealing a planner while leaving a laptop and other valuables. No, there was no thief to blame. So who?

"Think," she said softly to herself.

Rosie rubbed against Alicias shin, then serpentine between and around her ankles in two perfect figure eights.

"Sorry, girl. I'm too tired to bend over and pick you up."

Rosie meowed her complaint, then dashed up the stairs in a huff. Rags galloped out of the shadows at the opposite end of the basement. She whisked past Alicia in a blur of white and gray, playfully giving chase to the cat.

"Rags! Stop right now."

All Alicia needed was for those two to knock over the Christmas tree.

"Sit!"

The dog halted at the top of the stairs. She turned and plopped down on her back haunches, looking adorable...and totally unrepentant.

"Rags," Alicia began to scold.

And then she stopped.

Surely not.

She flipped one of the switches on a nearby wall. Bare bulbs cast an unforgiving light throughout the large main room of the basement. The floor was concrete, the walls plaster boarded but never finished out, Alicia rarely came down here. Until Aaron set up his office in the room near the furnace, she'd had little reason to go.

But Rags and Rosie had full run of the house including the basement.

Alicia walked to the opposite end of the room. She couldn't believe what she found there. On an old, tattered blanket that the dog was obviously using for a bed, Alicia saw not only the remains of a day planner, but also Aaron's missing hairbrush, pen and glove, plus some items he hadn't yet discovered were missing.

"Oh, Rags," Alicia whispered. "What have you done?"

With care, she bent down to pick up the binder. The expensive leather had been chewed like a rawhide toy. Pages had been ripped from the rights and were scattered everywhere. Some were so badly mauled there was no hope of knowing what had been written on them.

She heard the back door slam. Boots stomped on the floor overhead. Aaron had finished shoveling the walks.

She closed her eyes. Hed never liked her animals. He barely tolerated them. Maybe it would be better if she didn't tell him what she'd found.
She released a sigh.

She had to tell him.

"No time like the present," she said aloud as she started up the stairs.

-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-

Aaron placed the mug of spiced cider in the microwave, closed the door and hit Start. The machine hummed for the thirty seconds before he heard the familiar ding. But before he could retrieve his beverage, he heard the telltale squeak of the top step on the basement stairs. He looked over his shoulder.

Alicia's gaze met his, then dropped away.

Now what? He wondered. Living with her, it's always something.

"I found your planner."

"Where?"

She let out a breath, long and hopeless sounding. "Rags had it."

"Rags?"

She nodded before holding out his black binder.

It didnt look anything like what hed lost.

"I'm so sorry, Aaron." She straightened her arms, urging him to take the destroyed planner.

He opened the cover. The year's planning calendars were missing, as were several other sections.

"I guess she likes you," Alicia said softly.

"Likes me?"

"Your other things are down there, too."

"What other things?" The words were barely out of his mouth before he rememberedhis pen, his glove, his brush. "Never mind."

"I am sorry. Rags didn't mean to do anything wrong. I-" she offered an anemic, beseeching smile. "I'm serious. I think she has a crush on you."
Dang pets! His thought was automatic, but after a moment he recognized it was only out of habit, not because he was angry or irritated. In fact, what he wanted was to grin-so he did.

"Why don't you show me this evidence of your mutt's affection?"

She didn't say so, but he knew his lack of anger surprised her.

Almost as much as it surprised him.

Then he wondered what that said about him as a person. Not much, probably.

"Is it in the basement?" He motioned toward the stairs. "Might as well show me."

"Youre not angry?"

"Surprised, huh?"

"Yes." Her reply was uncomfortable honest, but it came with another small smile.

"No more so than me."

Their gazes held a short while longer. Aaron wondered what she was thinking behind those pretty aquamarine eyes of hers. He might have asked in a few more heartbeats, but she turned away and he lost his chance.

-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-

Rags seemed to know she'd stepped over some invisible line of acceptable behavior. For the remainder of te day she shadowed Aaron, even going as far as to lay her head on his thigh while he sat at his desk, piecing together those planner pages that could be salvaged.

"I should wring your neck, you mangy no-good hound," he told the dog-even as he stroked her head.

Rags whimpered.

Thats not going to get you any sympathy.

How was it a dog could look repentant despite all that hair covering its eyes?

Whats happened to my life, Rags? Nothings going the way it was supposed to. Nothing.

He was still musing over his ever-surprising life later that evening. When the ten oclock news broadcast was over, Grandpa Roger rose from the easy chair. Im headed off to bed, you two. Good night.

Good night, Grandpa, Alicia responded. As the older man left the living room, she glanced at Aaron who was seated on the sofa opposite her. Im tired, too. Guess Ill turn in.

It was all she could do to keep from adding, Are you coming soon? She couldnt ask for it, of course. It sounded too married, and that was the last thing Aaron wanted.

Pain stabbed her in the small of the back as she stood. She caught her breath in a gasp.

Aarons frown was instantaneous. Your back again?

She nodded.

Youre going to the doctors tomorrow.

She didnt argue with him.

He turned off the television, then set aside the remote control and stood. You get into bed. Ill give you a back rub when youre ready. Maybe itll help.

Dumbfounded, she stared at him.

"Go on. I'll make sure all the doors are locked for the night. Wont take me long."

She supposed it was possible shed fallen asleep in her chair and was only dreaming. If so, shed just soon keep dreaming.

In the master bathroom she removed her clothes. Before dropping a maternity night shirt over her head, she freshened her underarm deodorant and sprayed a little perfume onto her wrists. She brushed her teeth before gargling with mouthwash. A glance in the mirror told her it was useless to try and do anything with her hair.

Besides, its only a dream.

A few moments later she crawled into bed, lying on her side. She waitedand waitedand waited. Maybe the dream was already over, she thought. Maybe he wasnt coming after all. But then he appeared in the bedroom doorway.

Their gazes met.

His smile was gentle.

Her reaction to it wasnt. It hit her right in the center of her heart; it filled her with a longing so great it was beyond description.

Ready? he asked, closing the door behind him. Are you in a comfortable position?

I think so. As comfortable as I can get these days.

He switched off the overhead light, plunging the room into shades of gray and black, the only illumination provided by the nightlight. He went into the bathroom. She heard him opening and closing drawers and cabinets. Familiar sounds as he got ready for bed. About five minutes later he returned to the bedroom, carrying a flickering candle. He wet it on the bedside stand.

A lit candle in an otherwise darkened bedroom seemed a romantic gesture. She knew she shouldnt think of it that way; she shouldnt even want it to be romantic. She would only be disappointed later.

Aaron walked to the other side of the bed, out of her sight. The mattress shifted as he knelt on it. I cant promise how effective this will be with you lying on your side. Ill do the best that I can.

Breathless, she waited for his touch. When his fingers began to gently manipulate the muscles in her back, she closed her eyes, hoping she could memorize this moment. She wanted to be able to recall it, to treasure it in the years to come.

Am I pressing too hard?

She shook her head, unable to speak.

You tell me if I do anything that causes discomfort.

Okay, she managed to whisper.

He worked slowly. His hands were both skilled and gentle, and she relaxed beneath them. She was aware of nothing other than his nearness and the love for him that overflowed her heart.

A long while later he asked in a hushed voice, Are you asleep?

No.

Does your back feel better? his hands stilled.

Yes.

Ready for me to stop?

She released a whispery breath. No.

He chuckled softly. I think youre already falling asleep.

Aaron? She opened her eyes, staring at the candle-light dancing on the wall, wishing she had toe courage to roll onto her back and look at him.

Hmm?

Hole me for a while. Stay with me.

Silence.

Please. Just for one night.

More silence.

She expected him to move away from her. She expected him to rise from the bed, perhaps to leave the bedroom and sleep once again at his desk in the basement.

Eventually he did move away. But only for a moment. The candlelight vanished, the wick extinguished. And then, to her surprise, she felt him slip an arm beneath the covers. He drew close to her again, his check against her back, his arm draped over her side, hand resting in her belly.

Ecstasy and heartache warred inside her, the joy of the present and the dread of the future mingling together, creating emotional havoc. Tears slipped from her eyes to dampen her cheeks and pillow. She bit her lower lip; she prayed Aaron wouldnt discover she wept.

Aaron didnt know why he stayed when she asked him to. He didnt know why he chose to lie beside her, holding her spoon-like, allowing himself to be tortured by the subtle scent of her cologne.

The worst part was it felt right, being there. It felt good. He was tempted to kiss the nape of her neck. He was tempted to draw her closer.

The baby moved beneath his hand, reminding him that Alicia would be a mother in another month. Her house would be filled with crying and colic and diapers and 2:00 a.m. feedings. Chaos would reign supreme.

Rug rats and mogul monsters didnt five into his long-term goals. Neither did a wife.

Shes already my wife.

True, but only technically. That would be over soon. In a matter of weeks.

She said she loves me.

But they both knew it was gratitude she felt, not love. She hadnt said those words again because they hadnt been true.

But what if it was true? What if she does love me?

It wouldnt make a bit of difference. He still wouldnt stay with her. Not even if she loved him. Not even then. He couldnt.

Be a husband? Be a father? No. That wasnt for him.

Never had been.

Never would be.

He remembered his thoughts the day hed arrived in Idaho: undeniably, certifiably insane. That description wasn a accurate now as it had been then.

No. He wouldnt stay with Alicia even if she loved him.

But what if I love her?

-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-

Alicia was surprised when she awakened to a bedroom filled with daylight. She glanced at the clock. It was nearly ten-thirty. She couldnt believe she slept so late or so soundly.

Aaron, of course, was no longer in her bed, but she knew hed spent the night there. Even in her sleep, shed been aware of his nearness.

She smiled to herself, a bittersweet smile that mirrored the feeling in her heart. How wonderful to be held as if she were loved. How sad not to be loved even while held.

But she refused to dwell in such thought. Not today. Like Scarlett OHara, she would think about it tomorrow. Or in her case, after her grandfather returned to Arizona and Aaron moved out of the house for good.

Slowlyfor it seemed she could do nothing in haste these daysshe sat up, lowering her legs over the side of the bed. It was only as she started to rise to her feet that she realized the pain in her back was gone. Not so much as a tiny ache or twinge.

She could hardly wait to tell Aaron what his back rub had accomplished. She wished she could also say what having him in her bed, holding her through the night, had done for her.

As it turned out, she wasnt able to tell him anything.

He got a phone call while we were having breakfast, Grandpa Roger told her in the living room a short while later. He said hell be gone about an hour or two. And he wanted me to remind you to call your doctor.

Its not necessary. She smiled, savoring her next words before she shard them. Aaron gave me a back rub last night, and it isnt bothering me at all this morning.

Aaron gave me a back rub and then he held me in his arms and slept with me in my bed. And I love him with all my heart. I dont want him to leave me. I want him to remain with me forever and ever. How do I keep him with me, Grandpa? How do I make him love me?

Well, I dont think thatll matter much to your husband, her grandfather responded. He was adamant about you seeing your doctor today.

Ive got an appointment on Wednesday. Thats soon enough.

Young folk. He shook his head. I guess youll have to work that out between the two of you. He set aside the novel hed been reading and rose from the easy chair. Right now, lets get you some breakfast.

-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-

It was exactly the sort of apartment Aaron'd had in mind for himself. Two bedrooms, one to sleep in and one he could use for a studio gh ceilings thd late at home. Large windows and high ceilings that made it feel more spacious than it actually was. All the modern kitchen conveniences. A gas fireplace-no muss, no fuss. Reasonably quick access to downtown. A view of the river from the living room; a view of the mountains from the master bedroom. A swimming pool, racquetball court, tennis court, workout room.

On problem, however-this was the only available unit and nothing was scheduled for vacncy in the next few months. If he wanted to live in this complex, he'd have to rent this apartment today. It would be gone by tomorrow.

He stared out the large window at the snowbordered Boise River, frowning slightly.

it wasn't as if he couldn't afford to rent the place now and leave it empty for a couple of weeks. Besides, he could make arrangements for the movers to deliver his furniture between now and then. That way everything would be ready for him right on schedule.

He turned toward the rental manager. "I'll take it."

"Wonderful," Ms. Barton, an attractive woman, said with a smile. "Come to my office. There's plenty of paperwork to be seen to." The look she gave him was definitely what his mother would have called come hither.

Aaron wasn't interested in coming hither, and he didn't bother to return the smile.

Once in the office he studied every word, every clause, of the lease before he signed it, but the memory of Alicia lying in his arms kept intruding, breaking his concintration. He was relieved when he could write the deposit and first month's rent check, hand it to Ms. Barton, and be on his way.

He told himself it was a minor miricle that he'd found an apartment at this time of year. Nobody wanted to move over the holidays. It was an even greater miricle that he'd found a place with all the amenities he'd hoped for.

So why didn't he feel better about it?

That question played in his head over and over again as he drove toward home.

Home...

Therein lay the answer. The apartment he rented wasn't going to be home. Home was a drafty farmhouse with an attack cat who hissed at him and a mangy dog who stole things and chewed them to bits. Home had a Christmas tree decorated with homemade ornaments and a string of ancient bubble lights. Home had a kitchen with yellow walls, lace curtains at the windows, a Formica and chrome table, and ugly vinyl-covered chairs.

Home had all those things.

It also had Alicia.

Aaron pulled his vehicle to the side of the road, then cut the engine. Silence filed the interior of his SUV.

Home, he realized, had nothing to do with the building or the things in it. Home from now on would be wherever Alicia was.

He didn't want to live in an apartment with all the modern conveniences. He didn't need a view of the river or the mountains, a swimming poor or a raquetball court. What he needed and wanted was exactly what he had.

What he needed and wanted was Alicia.

He gave his head a slow shake, marveling at the significance of his discovery. The miricle wasn't that he'd found an apartment to rent five days before Christmas.

The real miracle was that Aaron had fallen in love with his wife.