‹ Prequel: The Pros and Cons of Loving
The Pros and Cons of Growing Up
Part Twenty-Two
The Next Night
Gerard’s POV
It was only nine o’clock at night, yet I was already in my pajamas and lying in bed. The house had been torturous with all of the anger floating around between Eric and Aiden, and anger wasn’t what I needed to be feeling right now. I was trying to displace my anger entirely, so I had taken to hiding out in Frankie and my room, to avoid it all together.
The door opened and Frank stepped in. “Hey, babe. You aren’t in bed already are you?”
“I’m not sleeping.” I shrugged. “Just thinking… Do you want to talk?”
He nodded, smiled slightly, and stepped into the room closing the door. “About?”
“M-My dad?” I asked, biting my lip and looking up at him hesitantly.
“Oh… sure, baby.” He crossed over to the bed, sitting by me.
“I… I don’t want to add my problems to everything, Frank. I feel like I need to be focusing on Aiden’s problems.” I sighed.
“Honey, you’re problems are as important as his.” he whispered.
“I know but I feel like I’m being a bad parent.” I bit my lip again and picked at my nails. “I feel bad I wasn’t there… I didn’t even know he was dying.”
”After what he did to you, baby… why do you care?” he asked.
I knew why—because he was my father. It still didn’t help me to help Frank understand that though.
“I don’t know… I guess I shouldn’t… it just came as a shock, I guess. I’d never forgiven him for what he did and… he never even tried to apologize. For anything.” I felt like crying, but refused to let any tears fall.
“Oh, sweetie.” Frank whispered.
“Did he even care about me? Did he ever regret not knowing me?” I asked in a hollow voice.
“I don’t know.” He pulled me to him in a hug and I relaxed into him. I felt his hand rubbing circles on my back and I melted into him, sighing. “I care about you though. I regret what he did to you, though I know it wasn’t my fault. I regret every moment I’m not with you.” He whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek.
I felt myself smiling. “I love you, Frankie.”
“I love you too, Gee.” He squeezed me to him one last time before sitting back.
“Thanks… I just… I dunno. I feel bad, but… angry. It’s all just confusing and I can’t help but wonder… you know?”
“I do know.” he hugged me. “I know exactly what you’re saying, sweetie.”
“Yeah? Okay well, I’m not done… in that case.”
He nodded. “Alright.”
“I just… I miss him, I guess. I regret not having a relationship with him and I… I feel bad for always hating him, I guess… I’m doing a lot of guessing lately, Frank.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah… and… I just regret our last conversation… you know it didn’t go well, you were there. He always thought I was scum… and I always believed him, until I met you.”
Frankie smiled at me. “I showed you how wonderful you are.”
I laughed again quietly. “You could say that.”
I felt Frank’s hand rubbing circles on my back and I sighed. “What gets me most, I think… is he never knew about Bella or Aiden… he never knew two of the people who should have been so important to him… Like me…”
I felt a few tears slide down my cheeks.
“I don’t get it, Frankie. Why did he have to hurt me? Why didn’t he love me?”
Frank pulled me roughly to him as I broke down in helpless sobs.
“I don’t know, Gee. I couldn’t speak for him but it was the stupidest thing he ever did, hurting you like he did.” He whispered, kissing the top of my head repeatedly. “Because you are so amazing, you’re a wonderful husband and father… he missed out so much, not knowing what a wonderful man you are. He and your mom, they both messed up. They’re the scum, not you.”
“He hurt me so bad.” I sobbed into Frank’s chest.
“I know.” He cooed. “I know, baby, but he’ll never do it again.”
“My father’s dead.” I moaned. “He’s gone forever.” I hated this inner battle I was facing, wanting to hate my father and yet missing him so much it hurt. I didn’t understand anything I was feeling, I just wanted it all to go away.
“It’s okay… it’s going to be okay, Gee.” He whispered, leaning back against the pillows with me in his arms. He was still kissing my face and the top of my head.
“It doesn’t feel like it.” I moaned, sounding like a little kid. I didn’t care though.
“Oh, shh.” He pulled me closer to him, gently rocking me back and forth.
We sat there, me crying and him trying to sooth me, for what felt like hours before I felt myself finally drifting to sleep…
Eric’s POV
I bit my lip, sitting in my car.
I couldn’t believe what I’d done after school today.
How had I… done pot?
I was shaking, hungry, ashamed, and confused.
You told yourself you wouldn’t do it anymore after Aiden got home, I told myself cruelly. You can’t do it. He’ll know. He used to do it himself.
I closed my eyes, taking several deep breaths. The high had worn off for the most part, but I was still paranoid. Every noise caused me to jump and I just knew I was going to get pulled over when I pulled out of the mall parking lot. Or that the second I walked in, they would smell it on me.
It wasn’t like I had a shower in my car, though. I had changed clothes but I knew that wouldn’t be enough to hide it from… anyone. The chances of me getting to my room and in the shower without running into Frank, Gerard, or Aiden were about as likely as me dying my hair blonde.
I sighed and opened my eyes, looking around. I knew I had to go home eventually. What else could I do, I mean? I couldn’t very well sleep in the car and go to school tomorrow like this.
I pushed down on the gas and turned my car on. After putting it in gear, I slowly began to drive home silently hoping I never reached the house…
…
…
“Eric, what the fuck?” Aiden hissed, slamming our bedroom door.
I jumped. “What?”
“Y-You smell like pot! Was James doing pot near you, or—… were you doing pot?”
“Of course not.” I lied. “Someone was doing it by me.”
Aiden’s blue eyes widened as he stared at me, his mouth hanging slightly open. He didn’t know what to say. I could tell he was shocked, trying not to get angry. He took a deep breath and looked at me. “Are you high?”
“No.” I said, glad I technically wasn’t telling a lie because my high had worn off.
“Were you high earlier today?” he asked impatiently.
Damn. “No.”
“Then why—.” He opened our door, only to slam it again. I jumped. “Are you so nervous?”
“Would you stop that?” I growled, pulling my t-shirt off and pulling on another clean one.
“No, I won’t stop that! What has gotten in to you? Every single time I think that maybe we have any chance of fixing our problems you do something like this!” Aiden said hysterically. “This isn’t you, getting high! How many times have you been high?!”
“I dunno.”
“How many, Eric? How long has this been going on?”
“Since you left, alright?” I snapped. “I’m not a pothead or anything, I just do it every once in a while—.”
“Oh. My. God.” Aiden sank onto our bed. “You’re doing drugs regularly? No wonder you’ve been so fucking off your rocker lately. That threesome, always staying out until like 3 in the morning.”
“Quit being so dramatic.” I sighed, pulling on sweat pants.
“Quit being so dramatic?” he growled, standing. “Fine, Eric. Go. Go do your mother fucking drugs and I’ll sit here, alone, wondering whether you are alive or not because you promise to be home after school and don’t get home until ten at night! Go to your parties with your new little pothead friends. Start snorting the crack too, alright? It hurts at first but it’s worth it, trust me.”
I stepped towards him, raising my fist.
“You think you’re gonna hit me?” Aiden began to laugh. “Come on and do it, Eric. Unless you’re too high to see where I am.”
“I hate you.” I sneered.
He looked taken aback at that and then his face turned into a sneer too. “I don’t even know you anymore! You aren’t the person you fell in love with and I’m not sure you’re someone I want to love now.”
I felt my heart shatter as he said that. “Aiden—.” I began, tears filling my eyes.
“Do you have any idea how hard any of this is on me?” Aiden suddenly shrieked. “Any of it, Eric? I can’t take you putting this extra stress on me, I just can’t!” he threw his hands into the air. “I’m at my breaking point! I have been so close so many times to slitting my fucking wrists but nooo. Dad keeps telling me everything will get better, that you haven’t changed it’s just me looking up excuses to be miserable or some fucking shit that he’s said so many times, I don’t even understand it anymore! And you dare come home high and try to act like nothing’s happened?! I have not slept in days, Eric! I can’t sleep, I can’t eat except what Dad fucking force feeds me! I’m sitting here, completely fucking useless. No job, I never go anywhere! While you live the fucking high life and go get fucking high every fucking day and yes I know I’m saying fucking too much but I can say it as many times as I want—don’t touch me!”
I tried to pull him into my arms but he shoved me away.
“NO! Listen to me, Eric! LISTEN for once instead of shrugging off what I say! I am not over reacting! I. Can’t. Take. It. I want to die, alright? For the first time since I was 14, I want to die. I want to get away from this pain and this hatred.”
“Aid—.”
“Quit trying to interrupt me!” he shouted. “Let me finish what I have to say and for once shut up! You aren’t better than me, alright? YOU AREN’T.”
“I never said you were!” I screamed.
“Then spend time with me instead of trying to pretend I don’t exist.” Aiden began to cry now, sinking back onto the bed. “Act like the person I fell in love with! The shy boy who would make it a point to tell me he loved me every time one of us walked into a room. Be the boy who I would kiss at the pond and at the park. I used to love you so much and then you changed. I got sick, and you changed. I went to New York and you changed even more. Now I don’t even know you!”
I sat by him, wrapping my arms around him. He sobbed into my chest, balling my shirt in his fist. He then hit me hard in the chest a few times, still sobbing.
“I love you.” I whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek.
He wrenched himself from my arms, standing. “Don’t follow me.” He stated, and then stormed from the room.
I watched him go, feeling the tears still in my eyes.
Had I really changed that much? Did I make him feel like he didn’t even know me?
I didn’t feel like I had changed, but we had been fighting a lot lately. A lot was an understatement, really. I couldn’t be who I was when I was fifteen. So much had happened since then. I still loved Aiden though, despite whether or not he believed me.
I took a deep breath and glanced outside. Gerard and Frank’s car was still gone. I had no clue where they were, but I was glad they hadn’t been home to hear Aiden yelling at me.
He said he wanted to die, I thought miserably to myself.
I pushed myself off of the bed and made my way towards the hallway. Aiden was sitting in Bella’s old room, holding her pillow on his lap and sniffling.
I sighed softly and went into the room, sitting down by him.
“You miss her, don’t you?” I whispered.
He was silent for a moment, but after a few seconds he nodded. “I haven’t talked to her since I got back… not a real conversation, anyway. The only person I have real conversations with is Dad and Daddy… Dad just because he’s like my best friend and Daddy because he never shuts up until I answer him.”
“We have real conversations.” I said quietly, taking his hand.
“Not really.” He laughed slightly. “We fuck and fight… the last time we talked about something that didn’t lead to an argument was when I visited you over school holiday.”
I bit my lip, nodding. “I do love you, Aiden. I... I know I changed a lot, I guess… but you still fit in my life. If you would go out—.”
“What, with you and James and get fucked up? No.” Aiden cut me off.
“I meant with me.” I said defensively. “All we do is stayed locked up in this house. It starts to get to you after a while when all I see is you moping around—.”
“Let’s agree to disagree then.” Aiden scoffed. “When you do drugs, that’s the only fun you have. If you are going to do drugs, then you don’t fit into my life. It’s simple as that. You said it to me 5 years ago, and now I’m saying it to you. Quit smoking pot, quit drinking. That’s my ultimatum.”
“Yeah I said that to you when you were 14, Aiden. I am twenty years old and completely capable of making decisions on my own. I’ve never done anything stupid high—.”
“No, I’m sure you haven’t. Because if you had, you’d have told someone because all you care about lately is partying and lookin’ cool.”
“Quit being so angry with me when I’m trying to make things right.” I said, tears filling my eyes again.
“And you quit crying every time I say something you know is true. I asked you not to follow me, so please go away. Thanks.”
I sniffed and left the room, leaving him alone…
Gerard’s POV
It was only nine o’clock at night, yet I was already in my pajamas and lying in bed. The house had been torturous with all of the anger floating around between Eric and Aiden, and anger wasn’t what I needed to be feeling right now. I was trying to displace my anger entirely, so I had taken to hiding out in Frankie and my room, to avoid it all together.
The door opened and Frank stepped in. “Hey, babe. You aren’t in bed already are you?”
“I’m not sleeping.” I shrugged. “Just thinking… Do you want to talk?”
He nodded, smiled slightly, and stepped into the room closing the door. “About?”
“M-My dad?” I asked, biting my lip and looking up at him hesitantly.
“Oh… sure, baby.” He crossed over to the bed, sitting by me.
“I… I don’t want to add my problems to everything, Frank. I feel like I need to be focusing on Aiden’s problems.” I sighed.
“Honey, you’re problems are as important as his.” he whispered.
“I know but I feel like I’m being a bad parent.” I bit my lip again and picked at my nails. “I feel bad I wasn’t there… I didn’t even know he was dying.”
”After what he did to you, baby… why do you care?” he asked.
I knew why—because he was my father. It still didn’t help me to help Frank understand that though.
“I don’t know… I guess I shouldn’t… it just came as a shock, I guess. I’d never forgiven him for what he did and… he never even tried to apologize. For anything.” I felt like crying, but refused to let any tears fall.
“Oh, sweetie.” Frank whispered.
“Did he even care about me? Did he ever regret not knowing me?” I asked in a hollow voice.
“I don’t know.” He pulled me to him in a hug and I relaxed into him. I felt his hand rubbing circles on my back and I melted into him, sighing. “I care about you though. I regret what he did to you, though I know it wasn’t my fault. I regret every moment I’m not with you.” He whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek.
I felt myself smiling. “I love you, Frankie.”
“I love you too, Gee.” He squeezed me to him one last time before sitting back.
“Thanks… I just… I dunno. I feel bad, but… angry. It’s all just confusing and I can’t help but wonder… you know?”
“I do know.” he hugged me. “I know exactly what you’re saying, sweetie.”
“Yeah? Okay well, I’m not done… in that case.”
He nodded. “Alright.”
“I just… I miss him, I guess. I regret not having a relationship with him and I… I feel bad for always hating him, I guess… I’m doing a lot of guessing lately, Frank.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah… and… I just regret our last conversation… you know it didn’t go well, you were there. He always thought I was scum… and I always believed him, until I met you.”
Frankie smiled at me. “I showed you how wonderful you are.”
I laughed again quietly. “You could say that.”
I felt Frank’s hand rubbing circles on my back and I sighed. “What gets me most, I think… is he never knew about Bella or Aiden… he never knew two of the people who should have been so important to him… Like me…”
I felt a few tears slide down my cheeks.
“I don’t get it, Frankie. Why did he have to hurt me? Why didn’t he love me?”
Frank pulled me roughly to him as I broke down in helpless sobs.
“I don’t know, Gee. I couldn’t speak for him but it was the stupidest thing he ever did, hurting you like he did.” He whispered, kissing the top of my head repeatedly. “Because you are so amazing, you’re a wonderful husband and father… he missed out so much, not knowing what a wonderful man you are. He and your mom, they both messed up. They’re the scum, not you.”
“He hurt me so bad.” I sobbed into Frank’s chest.
“I know.” He cooed. “I know, baby, but he’ll never do it again.”
“My father’s dead.” I moaned. “He’s gone forever.” I hated this inner battle I was facing, wanting to hate my father and yet missing him so much it hurt. I didn’t understand anything I was feeling, I just wanted it all to go away.
“It’s okay… it’s going to be okay, Gee.” He whispered, leaning back against the pillows with me in his arms. He was still kissing my face and the top of my head.
“It doesn’t feel like it.” I moaned, sounding like a little kid. I didn’t care though.
“Oh, shh.” He pulled me closer to him, gently rocking me back and forth.
We sat there, me crying and him trying to sooth me, for what felt like hours before I felt myself finally drifting to sleep…
Eric’s POV
I bit my lip, sitting in my car.
I couldn’t believe what I’d done after school today.
How had I… done pot?
I was shaking, hungry, ashamed, and confused.
You told yourself you wouldn’t do it anymore after Aiden got home, I told myself cruelly. You can’t do it. He’ll know. He used to do it himself.
I closed my eyes, taking several deep breaths. The high had worn off for the most part, but I was still paranoid. Every noise caused me to jump and I just knew I was going to get pulled over when I pulled out of the mall parking lot. Or that the second I walked in, they would smell it on me.
It wasn’t like I had a shower in my car, though. I had changed clothes but I knew that wouldn’t be enough to hide it from… anyone. The chances of me getting to my room and in the shower without running into Frank, Gerard, or Aiden were about as likely as me dying my hair blonde.
I sighed and opened my eyes, looking around. I knew I had to go home eventually. What else could I do, I mean? I couldn’t very well sleep in the car and go to school tomorrow like this.
I pushed down on the gas and turned my car on. After putting it in gear, I slowly began to drive home silently hoping I never reached the house…
…
…
“Eric, what the fuck?” Aiden hissed, slamming our bedroom door.
I jumped. “What?”
“Y-You smell like pot! Was James doing pot near you, or—… were you doing pot?”
“Of course not.” I lied. “Someone was doing it by me.”
Aiden’s blue eyes widened as he stared at me, his mouth hanging slightly open. He didn’t know what to say. I could tell he was shocked, trying not to get angry. He took a deep breath and looked at me. “Are you high?”
“No.” I said, glad I technically wasn’t telling a lie because my high had worn off.
“Were you high earlier today?” he asked impatiently.
Damn. “No.”
“Then why—.” He opened our door, only to slam it again. I jumped. “Are you so nervous?”
“Would you stop that?” I growled, pulling my t-shirt off and pulling on another clean one.
“No, I won’t stop that! What has gotten in to you? Every single time I think that maybe we have any chance of fixing our problems you do something like this!” Aiden said hysterically. “This isn’t you, getting high! How many times have you been high?!”
“I dunno.”
“How many, Eric? How long has this been going on?”
“Since you left, alright?” I snapped. “I’m not a pothead or anything, I just do it every once in a while—.”
“Oh. My. God.” Aiden sank onto our bed. “You’re doing drugs regularly? No wonder you’ve been so fucking off your rocker lately. That threesome, always staying out until like 3 in the morning.”
“Quit being so dramatic.” I sighed, pulling on sweat pants.
“Quit being so dramatic?” he growled, standing. “Fine, Eric. Go. Go do your mother fucking drugs and I’ll sit here, alone, wondering whether you are alive or not because you promise to be home after school and don’t get home until ten at night! Go to your parties with your new little pothead friends. Start snorting the crack too, alright? It hurts at first but it’s worth it, trust me.”
I stepped towards him, raising my fist.
“You think you’re gonna hit me?” Aiden began to laugh. “Come on and do it, Eric. Unless you’re too high to see where I am.”
“I hate you.” I sneered.
He looked taken aback at that and then his face turned into a sneer too. “I don’t even know you anymore! You aren’t the person you fell in love with and I’m not sure you’re someone I want to love now.”
I felt my heart shatter as he said that. “Aiden—.” I began, tears filling my eyes.
“Do you have any idea how hard any of this is on me?” Aiden suddenly shrieked. “Any of it, Eric? I can’t take you putting this extra stress on me, I just can’t!” he threw his hands into the air. “I’m at my breaking point! I have been so close so many times to slitting my fucking wrists but nooo. Dad keeps telling me everything will get better, that you haven’t changed it’s just me looking up excuses to be miserable or some fucking shit that he’s said so many times, I don’t even understand it anymore! And you dare come home high and try to act like nothing’s happened?! I have not slept in days, Eric! I can’t sleep, I can’t eat except what Dad fucking force feeds me! I’m sitting here, completely fucking useless. No job, I never go anywhere! While you live the fucking high life and go get fucking high every fucking day and yes I know I’m saying fucking too much but I can say it as many times as I want—don’t touch me!”
I tried to pull him into my arms but he shoved me away.
“NO! Listen to me, Eric! LISTEN for once instead of shrugging off what I say! I am not over reacting! I. Can’t. Take. It. I want to die, alright? For the first time since I was 14, I want to die. I want to get away from this pain and this hatred.”
“Aid—.”
“Quit trying to interrupt me!” he shouted. “Let me finish what I have to say and for once shut up! You aren’t better than me, alright? YOU AREN’T.”
“I never said you were!” I screamed.
“Then spend time with me instead of trying to pretend I don’t exist.” Aiden began to cry now, sinking back onto the bed. “Act like the person I fell in love with! The shy boy who would make it a point to tell me he loved me every time one of us walked into a room. Be the boy who I would kiss at the pond and at the park. I used to love you so much and then you changed. I got sick, and you changed. I went to New York and you changed even more. Now I don’t even know you!”
I sat by him, wrapping my arms around him. He sobbed into my chest, balling my shirt in his fist. He then hit me hard in the chest a few times, still sobbing.
“I love you.” I whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek.
He wrenched himself from my arms, standing. “Don’t follow me.” He stated, and then stormed from the room.
I watched him go, feeling the tears still in my eyes.
Had I really changed that much? Did I make him feel like he didn’t even know me?
I didn’t feel like I had changed, but we had been fighting a lot lately. A lot was an understatement, really. I couldn’t be who I was when I was fifteen. So much had happened since then. I still loved Aiden though, despite whether or not he believed me.
I took a deep breath and glanced outside. Gerard and Frank’s car was still gone. I had no clue where they were, but I was glad they hadn’t been home to hear Aiden yelling at me.
He said he wanted to die, I thought miserably to myself.
I pushed myself off of the bed and made my way towards the hallway. Aiden was sitting in Bella’s old room, holding her pillow on his lap and sniffling.
I sighed softly and went into the room, sitting down by him.
“You miss her, don’t you?” I whispered.
He was silent for a moment, but after a few seconds he nodded. “I haven’t talked to her since I got back… not a real conversation, anyway. The only person I have real conversations with is Dad and Daddy… Dad just because he’s like my best friend and Daddy because he never shuts up until I answer him.”
“We have real conversations.” I said quietly, taking his hand.
“Not really.” He laughed slightly. “We fuck and fight… the last time we talked about something that didn’t lead to an argument was when I visited you over school holiday.”
I bit my lip, nodding. “I do love you, Aiden. I... I know I changed a lot, I guess… but you still fit in my life. If you would go out—.”
“What, with you and James and get fucked up? No.” Aiden cut me off.
“I meant with me.” I said defensively. “All we do is stayed locked up in this house. It starts to get to you after a while when all I see is you moping around—.”
“Let’s agree to disagree then.” Aiden scoffed. “When you do drugs, that’s the only fun you have. If you are going to do drugs, then you don’t fit into my life. It’s simple as that. You said it to me 5 years ago, and now I’m saying it to you. Quit smoking pot, quit drinking. That’s my ultimatum.”
“Yeah I said that to you when you were 14, Aiden. I am twenty years old and completely capable of making decisions on my own. I’ve never done anything stupid high—.”
“No, I’m sure you haven’t. Because if you had, you’d have told someone because all you care about lately is partying and lookin’ cool.”
“Quit being so angry with me when I’m trying to make things right.” I said, tears filling my eyes again.
“And you quit crying every time I say something you know is true. I asked you not to follow me, so please go away. Thanks.”
I sniffed and left the room, leaving him alone…