You've Got So Much Love in You

"Hayley, please tell me that you don't have that razorblade to be harming yourself..." I pleaded, but she only removed her jacket, showing me her freshly sliced arms. My only reaction, was tears, crying my eyes out, because I knew this was MY fault.

"Kristy, my life has gone to shit. I have nothing left. I lost the love of my life, I lost my band, I lost my innocence, I lost everything. There's nothing left for me to hold on to..." she sighed, letting herself fall backwards on to the bed.

"The only thing you've lost Hayley, is your innocence, but it doesn't even count because YOU didn't want that, YOU didn't mean for it to happen. It's that bastards fault for doing it to you, and Hayley, I will find him, and I will kill him for the pain he caused you. You've been my best friend all my life, I don't like when people hurt you," I finished, taking a breath to restore the air I had just used.

"That's the main problem! You just said it! You're only my best friend now! You're not my lover, my baby, my beautiful, nothing! I can't even call you baby anymore because it got messed up! I can't hold your or kiss you, telling you how I love you. I can't do ANY of that anymore, and I can't even give you the one thing I promised I would, my innocence!" she shouted, pounding her fists against the sheets in frustration.

I laughed, I don't even know why, but I laughed.

"What is so funny!? Me in pain is funny to you!?" her anger that was towards her rapist, turned to me quickly.

"No Hayley, not that. The fact that you think that I wouldn't take you back in a heartbeat if you asked me to just...amuses me."

"So you would, or wouldn't you?"

"I definately would, Hayley. But I don't know how much I could trust you."

"That's understandable...By the way, I'm so sorry for that...I had feelings for him...they just...they weren't as strong as the ones I realized I had for you. Then you said you didn't need me, you didn't want me in your life, that practically tore me to pieces, so I just sort of...ran away from everything. I remember sitting in the alley way, and then some guy coming up to me and just, jumping on top of me. He pinned my arms above my hand with one hand, and when I tried to scream, he kissed me and shoved his tongue down my throat. I closed my eyes for awhile, just pretending it was you, ya know? Then, when he had my pants off, and well, you know... I knew it wasn't you, 'cause it was rough, and it hurt really bad. You've always been gentle with me, in everything that we've done, from our first kiss, to when you hold me. I just- I don't know anymore."

"Aw Hayley...here, sit up..." I motioned, walking to the other side of the bed, laying down, pulling her body next to mine, and holding her tightly and closely.

"Why did it have to happen to me? Why was I the one to be sitting in that alley way right when he decided he wanted to have sex with a teenage girl?" she cried onto my chest, as I rubbed her back soothingly.

"We don't know why these things happen, Hayley. They just do. Some say it's karma, but I say it's just when things go wrong, it takes alot to turn it back around," I kissed her head, immediately regretting it as her body shivered, and her eyes closed, "Oh shit! I'm sorry..."

"N-no...it's fine...it was gentle, like I said...but baby- Kristy, I still want a shower... I need to get this off me..." she pulled herself out of my grip and traveled into the bathroom, as I could hear her talking to herself, and cursing herself for calling me baby. I rolled my eyes as I walked into the bathroom, noticing she had already undressed, I closed my eyes.

"They're closed, Hayley. Don't worry. Anyway, I wanted to say it was fine for you to call me baby, as long as that's what you want. Since, ya know, I heard you in here talking to yourself..." I laughed, wanting to open my eyes, but knowing I couldn't, I was not going to make a move on her right after she had her innocence stolen from her.

I heard the shower turn on, and figured she'd ignored me. I decided not to waste my breath anymore, and just layed down on the bed to nap. I fell asleep quickly, into a deep, deep sleep of nightmares.

As I was just about to open the door to a basement in one of my nightmares, I felt a small frame plop down on top of me.

"Ooomf," I grunted as I opened my eyes, to see a wet haired Hayley sitting on me, in a black tank top and soffees.

"Did I wake you up?" she asked, as her lips softly kissed my cheek. I absentmindly nodded, as they moved down to my neck.

"H-hayley...no...not after what happened today...I'm not gonna let you do this because you're afraid I'm gonna leave you if you don't," I stopped her, lightly scooting myself out from under her.

She sighed once again, cuddling next to me, wrapping her arms around my stomach. I grimaced, remembering the stitches and staples, and hoping she didn't.

"Oh gosh! I'm sorry! I forget you had stitches!" she quickly removed her arms, and I grimaced more as the pain increased. She really did have a power to make my pain dissappear.

"No, it's fine. I just forgot they were there, here, you can hold me as tight as you want...you seem to make the pain dissappear..." I sighed contently, as her arms slowly snaked themselves around my stomach again, and the rest of her curled up to my side.

"I really am sorry, Krist, for everything, all the pain I caused you..." she muttered as I drowsily nodded, but woke up, remembering I hadn't called Zac or Jeremy.

"I have to call Zac and Jeremy. They don't even know where we are," I grabbed my phone quickly, as she yawned and buried her head further into my chest.

Ring...ring...ring...

"Hello?" a tired Zac answered.

"Zac!" I yelped excitedly.

"Did you find her!?"

"Yes, I found her. Beat, bruised and broken. Oh, and raped. She's right next to me, cuddled close to me. I think she's asleep. For right now, that's what she needs. But tomorrow, Zac...I'm having her take a pregnancy test..." I rambled as Zac stopped me.

"Whoa! Slow down! One thing at a time! She was raped, she's with you now, and you're having her take a pregnancy test. Is she okay? Is she breathing okay? Has she eaten? Does she look sick?" so many questions!

"She's fine, for now, she's breathing fine, I gave her hot cocoa, and the only thing that looks bad on her is those cuts on her wrists. Other than that, she's her usual beautiful self. Even more beautiful now though, without the make up," I thought I answered all the questions, but on piled more.

"Kristy, honestly tell me, what is the situation on your relationship?" Zac's voice became sincere, as he sighed audibly on the other end of the phone.

"I'm not sure, actually. I mean, I know what I want, and I want her to be the one I marry and spend my life with, but it all depends on what she wants. If she doesn't want that, then no one will make her."

"I think she does want that, Krist."

"Zac I just don't know anymore. You didn't have to see her curled up in a ball, crying out of pain..."

"She still needs you. Now more than ever. Stay with her and take care of her. We'll come when she's stable again."

"Alright, I'm going to bed. I'll call you in the morning. Bye Zaccy."

"Bye Krist," he said as he hung up the phone. I sighed as I set my phone down on the table next to the bed. My eyes quickly turned to Hayley, who was sleeping peacefully cuddled up to my chest.

I fell asleep quickly, thinking of her, and only her.