You've Got So Much Love in You

I had fallen asleep accidentally on the couch, and of course, Hayley managed to snuggle her small body next to me. It seemed she was desperate for my body heat when she slept.

My dreams were taunting me, pulling me in the wrong direction. They told me I wasn't in love, it was just infatuation.

I knew the difference and I most surely knew I was not infatuated with her. I was in love.

I heard a quiet whimper as I rolled over, realizing I was now facing a wide awake Hayley.

"You kicked me," she laughed. My head started spinning as her laughter filled the air. It felt like the rhythm of my favorite song, only better.

"Kristy? Yoohoo, Kristy!" Zac called. Had they spent the night? Wait, what time was it?

I turned my head sharply to look at the cable box. The time was only 11. I hadn't slept that long.

I could feel my elbow aching in the exact spot I had broken it years before. The little tiny scar was a constant reminder of why I never stepped foot on a trampoline again. Or why I was terribly afraid of heights.

"How long was I asleep?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"About an hour and a half. Zac and Kaitlyn wouldn't leave," Hayley complained, slouching further into the couch. I laughed.

"I'm gonna guess Zac ate all the food."

"Yep!" she pulled me back to lay down. I lay next to her, holding her as Zac and Kaitlyn probably raided the fridge.

"I love you, you know that?' she said after a long, but most definitely not awkward silence between us. We didn't need words to know how each other felt.

"Yeah, I do and I love you too. More than anyone."

I yawned, feeling my exhaustion creeping up on me again.

"You're still tired?!" Hayley groaned. I nodded, rolling over to rest my head on her chest. Rather comfortable, really.

"Oh fine, go to sleep," Hayley's voice was quickly fading into the distance as I drifted into a deep slumber once again.


"You're so stupid! I never loved you!" Hayley shouted, throwing a ring at my gut.

"But you said-"

"I lied!" she growled. I bit my lip as the words sunk in.

Everything was a lie.

"Why would you waste time with me then? It makes no sense," I thought aloud. Hayley rolled her eyes at me.

"I thought I was in love with you. It was infatuation. You knew this was coming. I like Chad!" she spat, her voice dripping with toxic venom.

"I'm so confused. You spent 4 years with me! You would've realized if it wasn't love before then."

"No, I didn't. I'm incredibly slow. And I sure as hell wish I did notice it earlier. You're so damn whiny all the time. I'm so sick of hearing you go on and on about this problem, and that problem. You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself!"

I felt my heart tearing itself into pieces.

"But Hayley, honestly, if you never gave a damn about me, why did you waste so much time?"

"I don't care anymore!"

"Kristyy!" Hayley whined into my ear.

I jumped, waking from my nightmare. I could feel my skin practically dripping. That happens every single time, I wake up in a cold sweat.

"What's your deal?" Hayley eyed me skeptically.

"Um. Nightmare, that's all."

"Care to talk about it?"

"Do I have a choice?"

Hayley frowned at me.

"You always do. I won't make you do something you don't want to. You know that, don't you?" she turned to kiss me lightly, holding her lips to mine for a few extra seconds before pulling away.

"To an extent," I replied, holding my breath as I waited for her answer.

She didn't answer. Her eyes held mine. I could feel my hands starting to shake slightly. This kind of stuff makes me nervous.

"Babe, honestly, I won't make you do anything you don't want to. I love you too much," her voice was sad, almost like she was feeling bad.

I smiled and kissed her cheek.

"I know."

She sighed of relief, I'm assuming.

"Thank God," she murmured. I laughed.

I leaned in to kiss her, remembering her words. She wanted more affection from me. I'd be damn sure to give her that, too.

She met me halfway, seemingly anxious as her lips found mine. They weren't tender and caring as they were before, but rather forceful. It scared me.

As she pulled away, her eyes gave her emotion. She was scared.

"What's the matter?" I asked, pulling her small figure into my arms.

"Nothing, I'm fine," her voice was short, almost distant and angry.

"Okay," I backed off, pulling away from her and walking into the kitchen. I heard her groan.

It's your damn fault. I was just trying to help, I thought. I felt guilty immediately after. I was being a hypocrite. I had done the exact same thing. If anything, I should understand where she's coming from.

I rummaged through the cupboards, finding most of the food was gone. Zac is such a pig!

"There's about 20 of those huge pixie sticks hidden in the pantry if you're hungry," Hayley's voice made me jump. She noticed and laughed quietly.

I grunted and walked into the pantry, switching the light on and looking around. I saw the pixie sticks sitting on one of the shelves, hidden behind a bag of flour. I pulled one out and bit the top off, pouring some of the sweet powdery substance in my mouth. The taste reminded me somehow of alcohol. I felt my mouth crave the thick taste of it. I wanted to feel my mind let go of all the things that had me stressed. The craving bit at my taste buds, tempting me further.

I stepped out of the pantry quickly, biting my bottom lip so hard I thought I would bleed.

"What's wrong?" Hayley asked, sitting at the bar stool with her head rested on her arms on the counter.

"Nothing. I'm fine," I kept walking, all the way upstairs into my room.

I sighed, plopping myself onto the bed and curling up in a ball.

Hayley wasn't far behind me as she rested herself next to me, wrapping her small arms around me.

"I love you," she whispered.

I bit my lip.

"I love you too."

She sighed. "Take your time. I'll be in the basement. I wanna play around with some lyrics I have in mind."

With that, she was gone. I sighed, hitting the pillow with my fist.

I'm sick of these little fights making things so awkward between us.