You've Got So Much Love in You

(Kristy's Perspective)

I don't know what was causing my attitude towards everyone, but I could tell Hayley was frustrated with me. Sierra just seemed confused about what was happening, looking to Hayley to figure it out. Neither of the two knew what was going on with me because hell, I didn't even know what was going on with me.

As I lay in bed, wanting to find a way out of this mess without breaking any hearts, I figured one thing about myself and that was that I did still have feelings for Hayley. They may not be as strong as they used to be, but they're still there. This frustrated me to no end, having to make the choice between the two, knowing I was breaking a heart in the process, and possibly even my own also.

"Kristy?" Sierra asked, standing in the doorway. She seemed timid and scared as I stood, walking over to her silently and wrapping my arms around her. I didn't want to ruin it with the words that I didn't know how to say; I just wanted to hold her right now.

"Hayley's still here, you can't hold me like this for long," she whispered, her head buried into my shoulder. I could feel the muscles in my stomach tighten when I realized I wouldn't have much time to make my decision about who I wanted to be with because the chances of having them in the same room like this again, without the fighting and screaming, would be slim to none. I had to make the choice who I wanted and I was in no state to decide.

I could have Hayley, the wonderful, caring, loving, beautiful, energetic red-head who I'd known since we were kids. Her personality and energy was amazing to be around, always lifting you up when you need it. She knew just what to say, when to say it, and how to make you melt. Then there's the bad things, of course, the cheating and the fact that she's not at all sure about her sexuality and that makes the possibility of her leaving just a tad bigger than Sierra's likeliness.

My head was spinning just thinking about deciding who I wanted because I knew the decision just may be permanent.

On the other hand, I had Sierra. She was the cute, young, innocent, caring, loving, strong, beautiful girl who had also captured my attention. She had everything Hayley did, but I had yet to see the bad sides of her. I hadn't been with her long enough. I'm sure there were flaws, after all, nobody's perfect. Her innocence was another factor of what drew me in to her. She was so young and inexperienced in relationships like this and some part of me wanted to be the one to show her what it's like. She treated me better than anyone should, and even cared about Hayley's feelings, which is more than I'd ever expected because most people would tell the ex before them to fuck off and she didn't do that.

I could feel my stomach in knots when I thought about the two of them and the things I loved about the both of them. I wanted so badly to just keep both of them and not have to make the decision. I didn't want to hurt either of them, but I knew that was inevitable. I could give them both up, but that would hurt them both and only having one of them hurting is better than both of them, right? Maybe I could try to fix them up, so they could be together and I would be the one who had to go through the heart break and not them. Some insane part of my mind thought that was one hell of a brilliant idea, too.

"Okay, let's go back downstairs. She's probably already going through enough," Sierra pulled away, with a light kiss on my cheek. I laughed quietly, knowing what i was about to do and thinking about how to approach the subject. If they figured out my plan, I'd be royally fucked. They'd both be on my case about me sacrificing myself for others and complaining how I need to just choose and stop trying to avoid it. All I wanted was for them to be happy, though, even if it wasn't me who was making them happy. I know I'd want it to be me, and I know it'll hurt like hell. I know I'll be unhappy and miserable, but really, what's the harm in that? I know how to handle it.

Sierra walked downstairs with me following not far behind. Hayley was sitting on a bar stool in the kitchen. She smiled slightly as we walked in the room. I had no understanding of why she was smiling, but I had a few ideas. One of them could be that she had finally accepted that I was with Sierra and was ready to move on. Two, she knew I was thinking about her and my indecisiveness was making her slightly giddy. Lastly, she had figured out somehow that I had planned to play match maker for her and Sierra, and was ecstatic about it.

"So, what's up?" Hayley smiled as I sat down at the table, resting my head on my crossed arms.

"Nothing, leave me alone," I murmured, sighing. I was shaking just thinking about them being together. My whole body was fidgeting and I couldn't sit still. The root of the problem? My heart was in my stomach and my stomach was tying itself into knots, tighter and tighter each time.

I thought I could avoid the heart break that was coming, but I could already feel it taking its place. I could feel it biting in my chest. I was surprised my heart wasn't stone cold right now. I wanted it to be. I wanted it to stop hurting.

I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was strong enough to handle it.

It turns out, I wasn't.