You've Got So Much Love in You

I couldn't imagine how I even managed to get myself to meet Zac at his house to hang out. I wasn't in the mood for people, and that wasn't like me. I guess I was changing into someone different; I was changing into someone who with a 90 foot wall of protection from anyone who tried to get close to me. No, I would never get hurt like this again.

"What do you wanna do, Krist?" Zac asked. I could tell he was pitying me, and I hated it. I hated it more than I hated that I let her go.

"Sleep," my curt response irritated him.

"Stop cutting yourself off. She's gone, Krist. Move on. You let her go," he snapped.

I stared at him in awe, feeling the tears I'd ever so carefully prevented before now starting to brim at the corners of my eyes.

"Fuck you, Zac, fuck you," I hissed, my voice angered. Anger was my way of hiding the hurt. I got angry, and I pushed everyone away. I didn't need them anyway.

I stood up, nearly throwing the chair I was sitting in backwards against the wall before storming out, getting into my car and driving as far as I could go. I'm sure I managed to go a few cities over, somewhere on the coast. I parked and got out, running on the beach.

I sat down quietly, looking up to the sky before letting out a piercing scream at the clouds above me, blaming them for all my troubles.

Why did I always try to point the blame at other people, when really, I was to blame? I was always to blame. I took something completely perfect, and destroyed it on the whim of being slightly infatuated with someone else. I ruined something great and threw it away.

Laying down, I looked up at the now, dark sky. The stars will giving off the only light for miles down the coastline, and part of me was grateful for that. I didn't need anything else right now, just the ability to think. The stars seemed to burn away all the self loathing I had, though I couldn't feel their heat. I felt better about myself, realizing that things do in fact, happen for a reason, and though we don't know why now, we will find out sometime later in life. I never wanted to live this life. I had a plan; I'd go to college straight out of high school, get a degree in psychology, become a guidance counselor at some school, and help kids who went through what I did as a child, but instead, I turned out to be a monster. I knew what I could do to the girls I liked. I knew I could get them to be with me, and I took advantage of that. I'd become more than anyone could handle, including myself. I'd lost myself in my desperate search for who I wanted to be, but the truth was, I was perfectly fine with how I use to be; the sweet, caring one who would cater to the needs of her lover, and stay faithful, if anything. Not to mention, back then, I knew how to keep promises.

I looked forward, looking at the ocean waves crashing against the shoreline. Crashing. My life had been crashing lately, and I was hitting my rock bottom, but would I ever admit that to myself? No, because my pride was far more important to me than being happy. I couldn't drop my pride for the few people I cared about. I didn't show much appreciation to them for all they'd done for me, and for their leaving, I was to blame. My whole life I'd lived trying to find something. I'd struggled with it since I turned 13. I always wanted more, but never took the time to look at what I had.

That was the broken part of me. All of the hurt I'd turned to anger, the revenge I sought on innocent people, the pain I'd tried to cause just for the sake of seeing them cry, it all added up to one thing: I never, ever wanted to keep what I had. I always wanted more, always wanted a change when I got bored of what I had.

My biggest mistake, of all I'd done, of all that I've hurt, had to be hurting Hayley as I had. She'd been nothing but good to me, fucking up a few times, but that was excusable. She was human; imperfect, and bound to mess up at some point, but some part of me couldn't forgive. Some part of me held on to the hurt, and used it to throw back on her when really, I was the one wrong.

I realized then, what my biggest problem was.

I left all my wrongs and pretended they never happened. And now, I had to start righting them, one by one, starting with the biggest mistake I've ever made.

The thought alone made my heart sink to my stomach, and I knew this would be the push I needed, to start fixing my mistakes instead of leaving them behind. I'd need to learn, and learn fast- before I caused anymore damage than I already had.