Miserable at Best

It's weird. It's always been weird

Our relationship has always been one that I've strived to define. And to this date, I've not come close. Most of my friends, and his, have always tried to define it to. But, once again, it's weird.

The first time I ever met him, he hit on me. Which would probably account for the supreme amount of sexual tension that was seemingly felt by everyone but us every time I saw him. Which actually wasn't that often. Not anymore, anyways. It's just so hard. College is time consuming, as is touring for a multi platinum band. Or at least, I think they are multi platinum now. I would assume so. Little girls everywhere can't get enough of this...this frontman who possesses everything that they could ever want in a boyfriend. Or something. It's weird to think of him as the poster boy for a new generation. The next Pete Wentz, if you will.

It was weird to think that I had known him for a few years, and at the beginning of those few years is right when he was beginning to get somewhere. Our relationship was based solely, and sadly enough, on false pretenses and the aforementioned sexual tension. That probably had something to do with the fact that the first time I met him, he hit on me. I was only seventeen then and had only talked to his drummer, who I was actually close to. This drummer boy was also one of his best friends, and older than him. He and I were amazingly close. And I was sure that he had mentioned my name in passing, but I doubt that he picked up on it. Or at least he didn't until Beef put his arms around me in a hug, causing his eyes to go wide as I lauged at him, which wasn't the best idea, looking back on it.

For a few more months, that would be the basis of our friendship. Until we met again and the dynamic switched. We would change to one of those relationships where the people were more or less completely jealous of the lives that the other led. We would throw insults at each other constantly. Yet, I knew that he would always have my back and if I ever needed anything he would be right there to help me. Or as close to right there as he could get. Right there mostly consisted of a call from a cell phone, a text message from that same cell phone, or an email when the ever hidden internet connection came through. It almost never consisted of him actually being right next to me. I rarely saw him, to be honest. And on the reverse, I was always defending him, mostly he never saw it and it was people who would never even matter to him. But I knew he was thankful, as sappy as it sounds. He was just as thankful for the emails that sometimes came weeks apart and the phone calls that were far and few between as I was.

But we kept in touch all the same. I was "that girl who kept him grounded" and he was "the boy all my friends wanted a chance with."

He and I were, and are, a term that was indescribable in a long term way. You'd have to check back with me, seeing as though the definition changed from day to day. But we were both alright with that.

The first time I met her, I thought she was pretty. She was a nice compliment to his boyish charms. She kept him semi-grounded, not quite as grounded as I was seeing as though I had no connection to the scene that either of them belong to. She was friends with everyone or tried to be, anyways. This probably led to her downfall.

She did not, and I repeat did not, like the thought of her perfect[/]> boyfriend being close to another girl in the first place. Let alone another girl who wasn't even in the close knit group of friends she had created over the course of her run through the scene. I was nothing to her, and she made it known on so many occasions that I just stopped counting. I was sick of waiting for a boy that I had grown to love and adore to stick up for me to a stupid bitch who had lost way too many brain cells. She was nothing but a heartbreaker, and I could tell this from a mile away. He, however, was blind to it and refused to talk to me about it. He had refused so many times that I just gave up. The emails went down to maybe one a month. The phone calls were non-existent. I knew why, but by now I had grown up quite a bit and realized that he would figure things out on his own. She had ruined my relationship with the perfect boy. Stupid Hannabeth.

Whether that relationship was in a love or friendship way, I didn't realize. And it seemed to be a very long time, but in reality, it wasn't. It was maybe six months after the emails stopped that I realized it. And I only realized it because by that point I had gotten to the point where I was physically hurting. I had become completely dependent upon our communication and relationship. And it hurt me physically to think about how much I missed him.

Then there was that night. I had just seen him a few weeks ago. Our conversation basically non-existent. He was distant, weirdly enough. I had taken a trip to San Francisco to see a friend, who was in actuality Beef's friend. And we obviously ended up at their show. He had seen me in the crowd with her, us not telling anyone because we had meant it to be a secret. She, however, had seen me much earlier than that. Although I'm sure that she hadn't told him, because then his attention to her would have been smaller than usual. But I honestly couldn't care less what she thought of me right now. I would never care what she thought of me.

He sought me out after the show, he and Beef. I hadn't realized how much I had missed them both until they ganged up on me. The other two not to be excluded. But when I left them that night and he went back to her, I knew something was different and wrong. We had left way later than usual, somewhere near four in the morning. Just because Sarah and Beef were ridiculously close, yet refrained from claiming the terms that came with their closeness. Neither of them were known for their ability to stay in a monogamous relationship, yet I didn't love either of them any less for this aspect of their lives. Yet, I had hardly seen either of them that entire evening. Except for when he gave me a distant hug and pressed his lips to my cheek softly. We had been able to have a decent conversation for about ten minutes when she appeared and dragged him away. And that was the last I had seen of him. I assumed that they had gone out with the other boys. But at that point in time, I wasn't worried about it. Not until we left did I actually think about it. The quiet two hour trip home left plenty of time for thinking. I couldn't even figure out a way to get his name out of my head. And at that point, I couldn't even put my finger on it. I would realize it a few weeks later though.

It would be almost exactly one month later that I saw them all again. Beef had slid us all access passes and I had made it no further than out the backdoor to find a simple salvation before I was being attacked by him. His face was sad as he pulled me onto the bus and locked the door to the backroom behind us. Sadness just didn't fit him. It was weird, and awkward to see him in pain, but I had to push my luck with it.

"Where's Hanna?" I asked him smartly before I noticed the bracelet that was on the table. And it wasn't just a bracelet, it was the bracelet. Martin had this thing with giving his girlfriends bracelets. They were always silver, always with a heart and her name on it. It was something that his grandfather had passed down to him, and the significance of seeing that bracelet on the table was astounding.

"Gone...for good. She dumped me," was his solemn reply. His face had turned towards the floor and I could see that he hadn't slept well in days. His eyes weren't bright and cheery and it was then that I knew. He had fallen in love with her at some point over the past few months. Or at least he had fallen into what he thought was love. There was a big difference. Following his reply, I felt horrible. I don't think horrible is even the word to describe it though.

"Martin. You were too good for her anyways," I said as I sat down next to him.

"Are you sure you're not just saying that since you're my friend? Because the only ones who are saying that are my friends," He said with a spiteful laugh.

"The amazing part is, that I'm not even really that torn up about it," He said quietly and I looked to him with a confused expression.

"What are you talking about?" I asked him, completely confused about it.

"I fucking overlooked so much with her. Everything she wanted me to do, I did. Including pick her over you on so many stupid occasions. God, I'm so fucking sorry. I should have realized she wasn't right for me when I realized that she didn't like my friends. You weren't even the only one. She didn't even like Poolie, for God's sake. My bandmate!" He said shaking his head.

"It's alright MJ. Love leaves you blind sometimes," I said as I slipped my hand underneath his own and linked our fingers together. He looked at our hands and squeezed mine softly.

"I'm so sorry," He whispered and I nodded.

"I know you are, Martin. I know," I said and pulled him into a hug. A few seconds later he surprised me by pulling me onto his lap, burying his face into my neck. His breath always had the same affect on me. It was an instantly calming sensation.

"I don't even deserve for you to be here right now," He said and I smiled.

"No, you definitely don't. But I am and that's all that matters," I said and laid my head down on his shoulder.

"You're going to stay after and have a little drink with me? We haven't in a while, I'm sorry," He said, pulling away to lean his forehead against mine.

"Stop saying that or I'm not staying anywhere near you," I said with a laugh as he blew my hair out of my face.

"We aren't leaving until tomorrow at eight, so you can even stay the night!" He said, getting excited. I laughed as he did. He was a saviour, and I was the saving grace. Or at least that's what Johnny would tell me later that night.

It was later that night that the relationship between us became a little bit more defined. Not to the perfect extent, but almost completely.

I spent the night beside him, watching the opening bands and loving it. And when he left my side, it was for his hour long set. And in between that hour long set and his small encore, he held me in a sweaty hug and whispered to me things that, at that moment, were so perfect that God would have been jealous of his skills

And it's weird, because all these years all these girls have been making him out to be a sweet talker and a whore.

And it was right at that moment that I realized that he was, quite possibly, the best thing that had ever happened to me.

And if I didn't realize it right at that moment, I definitely realized it three weeks later when he showed up on my doorstep, pressed his lips to mine, and slid a silver heart shaped charm bracelet onto my wrist.

And really all it took was one look at how weird we were