Best I've Ever Had

It has been three weeks since Gerard had passed. We did not have a funeral since his family had decided to cremate him, since we were at loss for money and that was cheapest.
There had been a choice that Gerard's ashes would stay atour my house, I was an emotional wreak, but only on the inside. The shock had scarred me more than his death. I thought my internal organs were frozen and once i saw Gerard again he'd revive my heart. I got comfort from the Ways, especially Mikey, who was stunned by his brothers' death.

I remember the day he came over, it was when I finally blew it. Mikey had come to give me "Gerard" ( those ashes and ground up bone was not him, I couldn't bare to think about it.) He had sat on my black leather couch, his hand trailing up and down my spine, I held my head in my hands and rested my elbows on my knees. I was trying to breath, but those ashes just stared at me. In the black, vinyl box. My Gerard was in there. I wanted him out. My morbid thoughts were interrupted my brother in-law's speech.

"You know, I sort of knew he was gonna die. I could see it, he held so much pain, just so much. Every night he lay in bed and cry. He was helpless that week. We could barley move him from his bed Frank. I know he wouldn't wanna live that that. I couldn't let him. So I kind of begged god, well if there is, I was just so lost. I begged that he'd be taken out of his misery. He deserved it."

My eyes glowed a fire red. My own best friend had wished the love of my life dead? His own flesh and blood! "How fucking dare you Mikey! You're his brother for Christ sake! He would've gotten better! I know it!" I didn't realize that I was choking Mikey until he slapped me hard. I saw his terrified expression and I let go of his neck. He rushed out of the house. Leaving me to comprehend what I had done.

Later that night, i was feeling better. My lash out on Mikey put me in a mood. A mood of longing, and lust. Yes, I felt slightly disgusted by the lust. But I had wanted my husband in more ways than ever. We hadn't had sex since July. A whole three months. I couldn't go with another just yet. I felt as if he'd be crying in wherever he was in the spirit world. I considered remaining celibate just for his sake.

I held the box that he was in. I had wondered deeply what it looked like, the ash I mean. Was any part of him really their? I just had to find out. I used a knife and cut a slit in the box. Grey ash was contained in a thick plastic bag. A tag was on it. Numbers too. Must've been identification for him. I gently set him down on the bed, and went to my closet.

On the weeks my husband was gone, I became lonely. Sex deprived. So I bought myself a gift. It wasn't anything like Gerard. But hey, it sure did please me. I felt so guilty that a toy would take his place. But anything was better than another human being.

Upon grabbing the toy, I had gotten some lotion as well. I was going to have the night he always dreamed about. Gerard was gonna be my one and only lover. Even in death we'd be...on an intimate level.

I had removed the twist tie off the ashes. I spilled just a little on the sheets. I swear I could smell Gerard's coffee and cigarettes fill my nose. What i was about to do was crazy, sick and wrong. But I needed my lover...one last time.

I lubed up the dildo and turned to my Gerard. "Our last time baby...last time." I whispered and dunk my hand in his cool ash. It didn't feel to bad. I coated my hand with a little of it and sprinkled it on the dildo. I smiled.

I knew this was gonna have to be fast, the chunks of what I didn't want to think about at that second sure hurt upon first thrust. I felt blood trickle down my hand. I wasn't gonna stop.

I leaned my head back and pictured Gerard. How his nose would twitch into a weird position when he was cumming. To how one eye would roll to the back of his head at the pleasure.
I could feel the rising heat in my body. I was about to release. Just as I did I held more ash from Gerard in my hand. As my mouth hung open when I came, I dropped ash.

I swallowed without second thoughts and pulled the toy out of me.
It was drenched in blood and my mind begun to swirl. I remembered what was in those ashes. It was Gerard. Gerard's bones, Gerard's body. My mind immediately screamed "You just ate your fucking husband!" And I ran to the bathroom.

I felt so sick. I puked up little to nothing. Soon a wave of happiness rained on me. I was so tired I fell onto the tile floor. In my disgust a smile creep up on me. Even in death my husband was still the best I've ever had.