Distance
No Doubt.
Gym.
I would never have gone, but I had nothing better to do, and figured I should probably make an appearance at at least one of my classes today.
Mistake.
God, the second I walked into that locker room, it was just one flashback after another. How she'd stood, huddled inside that jacket. How her damp hair clung wetly to her skin. The way her skin had looked in the moonlight. The thrill of being that close to her.
I shook my head. I needed to make an attempt at normalcy. I needed to pretend I was fine. I fiddled with my locker, yanked off the lock.
Her clothes were in my locker.
I stood there, frozen, for what seemed like ages. I couldn't bring myself to touch her t-shirt, her jeans.
I was still standing there as everyone else filed out for attendance. Motionless, lost in my own thoughts. I didn't even realize I was alone.
It was barely a surprise when Tre appeared in the gym locker room. I was so dead, my emotions lurking somewhere else, somewhere far away where my innocence and common sense had fled.
The fist he smashed into my face didn't even register.
I didn't even try to fight back. I let the punches come, let the pain wash over me in mind-numbing waves.
I dropped to the floor, breathing heavily, feeling a million new bruises speckling my skin. And, god, I wished Tre wasn't wearing that damn ring. I could feel several cuts on my cheekbones, and a slow dribble of blood falling to the concrete.
He kept hitting me. My lack of reaction obviously wasn't helping him vent his anger, so he obviously had to make sure my pain was greater than his.
Mike was the one who finally pulled him off.
I still don't know what the fuck he was doing in my gym class. Probably checking up on me. I don't know.
He shoved Tre back up against the wall as I lay breathless on the floor, barely able to move.
"Stop, Tre, goddamn it, STOP!" Mike roared. Tre stopped struggling, but I could hear the rage, the fury in his voice when he spoke.
"He kissed her. He fucking kissed Danica." Tre hissed. "He'd better stay the fuck away from her, or I'll fucking kill him."
Then he shoved Mike away from him and strode over to me.
"You hear that, asshole? I'll fucking kill you." He snapped, then kicked me so hard in the stomach, I almost threw up.
I barely felt it. Just one more bruise to add to my collection.
* * *
Mike reached down and helped me into a sitting position against the wall. It was so cold in the locker room, or maybe that was just me.
I couldn't stop coughing.
"I'm surprised he didn't break your ribs." Mike said grimly.
I took a deep breath, and let it back out slowly, trying to find some sort of innner peace. I failed miserably.
Guess all that 'Karate Kid' stuff is bullshit.
There was a kind of amiable silence, as Mike crouched beside me as I wheezed and gasped and regained most of my rudimentary motor skills.
I looked up at him, at my best friend, maybe my only friend, and said something that I'd never, ever said before, to anyone.
"I'm so sorry, Mike."
The shock registered on his face, but I didn't give him a chance to respond.
"I'm sorry that I'm such a fuck-up, and I'm sorry I'm a needy bastard, and I'm sorry that I hurt everyone I get close to. I'm sorry for what I did to Danica, I'm sorry for what I did to Tre, and I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I'm sorry for everything."
Mike opened and closed his mouth several times, surprised by my sudden humility.
"Get up and stop being such a pussy, Bill." He said quietly, a hint of smile on his face. "I need a cigarette."
* * *
Back in Mike's car, with the radio turned up too loud, the Clash exploding from the speakers, chain-smoking with a can of Mountain Dew.
This is what I've been missing.
"What are you gonna do, Bill?" Mike asked presently, as we watched an assortment of children, freshmen and sophomores, juniors and seniors, flit past his car.
"Dunno, Mike. She's my best friend, other than you...I told her everything..." My voice trailed off as a million memories flashed unbidden before my eyes.
"And somewhere along the line, Mike...I think I fell for her. And I was too stupid to realize it, and now I've lost her. Lost her to Tre, another good friend. I hurt her so bad, and I just keep making it worse. I keep fucking everything up..."
"You got too close to her, Bill. And now you've got to make a decision." Mike said seriously, flicking ash off the end of his cigarette.
I snuck a sideways glance at him. The C.D. track changed smoothly, blasting No Doubt's 'Don't Speak'. We looked at each other, and burst out laughing.
"What is this shit?" Mike chuckled, ejecting the disk.
We both fell silent as we saw it was a mix tape, with Danica's blocky handwriting scrawled across the front.
Mike put it back into the player and cued it back up to track twelve.
You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel that I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe this could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know
"It's like she knew..." Mike whispered.
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
I was in shock. Absolute shock. I rememebered now, how much Danica loved No Doubt. I remembered that Halloween that she'd dressed up like Gwen, and I'd gone as the drummer.
Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry
"Oh my god..." I whispered.
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
No, no, no, don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
And I had. I'd hurt her so bad, with my stupid apologies, and my cruel words.
It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?
Were we dying? Was what we had, that beautiful, innocent friendship dying? Did it have to die? If we became a couple, would it die? Could we ever go back to that sweet, carefree time when I could lie on her bed and not think about fucking her?
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying, so please stop explaining
Or maybe the damage was too great. Maybe I'd fucked up too badly this time, and a couple cigarettes, a kind word and a hug couldn't fix it.
I knew the answer to that question.
Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak,
Oh, I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good, I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la.
La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush, darlin' Hush, hush, darlin'
Hush, hush, don't tell me tell me cause it hurts...
"Fucking scary coincidence." Mike said, as an old Motely Crue single blasted out of the speakers.
I sat in silence.
Mike wisely decided not to pursue the subject, and eased the car out of park and we roared onto the highway.
I would never have gone, but I had nothing better to do, and figured I should probably make an appearance at at least one of my classes today.
Mistake.
God, the second I walked into that locker room, it was just one flashback after another. How she'd stood, huddled inside that jacket. How her damp hair clung wetly to her skin. The way her skin had looked in the moonlight. The thrill of being that close to her.
I shook my head. I needed to make an attempt at normalcy. I needed to pretend I was fine. I fiddled with my locker, yanked off the lock.
Her clothes were in my locker.
I stood there, frozen, for what seemed like ages. I couldn't bring myself to touch her t-shirt, her jeans.
I was still standing there as everyone else filed out for attendance. Motionless, lost in my own thoughts. I didn't even realize I was alone.
It was barely a surprise when Tre appeared in the gym locker room. I was so dead, my emotions lurking somewhere else, somewhere far away where my innocence and common sense had fled.
The fist he smashed into my face didn't even register.
I didn't even try to fight back. I let the punches come, let the pain wash over me in mind-numbing waves.
I dropped to the floor, breathing heavily, feeling a million new bruises speckling my skin. And, god, I wished Tre wasn't wearing that damn ring. I could feel several cuts on my cheekbones, and a slow dribble of blood falling to the concrete.
He kept hitting me. My lack of reaction obviously wasn't helping him vent his anger, so he obviously had to make sure my pain was greater than his.
Mike was the one who finally pulled him off.
I still don't know what the fuck he was doing in my gym class. Probably checking up on me. I don't know.
He shoved Tre back up against the wall as I lay breathless on the floor, barely able to move.
"Stop, Tre, goddamn it, STOP!" Mike roared. Tre stopped struggling, but I could hear the rage, the fury in his voice when he spoke.
"He kissed her. He fucking kissed Danica." Tre hissed. "He'd better stay the fuck away from her, or I'll fucking kill him."
Then he shoved Mike away from him and strode over to me.
"You hear that, asshole? I'll fucking kill you." He snapped, then kicked me so hard in the stomach, I almost threw up.
I barely felt it. Just one more bruise to add to my collection.
* * *
Mike reached down and helped me into a sitting position against the wall. It was so cold in the locker room, or maybe that was just me.
I couldn't stop coughing.
"I'm surprised he didn't break your ribs." Mike said grimly.
I took a deep breath, and let it back out slowly, trying to find some sort of innner peace. I failed miserably.
Guess all that 'Karate Kid' stuff is bullshit.
There was a kind of amiable silence, as Mike crouched beside me as I wheezed and gasped and regained most of my rudimentary motor skills.
I looked up at him, at my best friend, maybe my only friend, and said something that I'd never, ever said before, to anyone.
"I'm so sorry, Mike."
The shock registered on his face, but I didn't give him a chance to respond.
"I'm sorry that I'm such a fuck-up, and I'm sorry I'm a needy bastard, and I'm sorry that I hurt everyone I get close to. I'm sorry for what I did to Danica, I'm sorry for what I did to Tre, and I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I'm sorry for everything."
Mike opened and closed his mouth several times, surprised by my sudden humility.
"Get up and stop being such a pussy, Bill." He said quietly, a hint of smile on his face. "I need a cigarette."
* * *
Back in Mike's car, with the radio turned up too loud, the Clash exploding from the speakers, chain-smoking with a can of Mountain Dew.
This is what I've been missing.
"What are you gonna do, Bill?" Mike asked presently, as we watched an assortment of children, freshmen and sophomores, juniors and seniors, flit past his car.
"Dunno, Mike. She's my best friend, other than you...I told her everything..." My voice trailed off as a million memories flashed unbidden before my eyes.
"And somewhere along the line, Mike...I think I fell for her. And I was too stupid to realize it, and now I've lost her. Lost her to Tre, another good friend. I hurt her so bad, and I just keep making it worse. I keep fucking everything up..."
"You got too close to her, Bill. And now you've got to make a decision." Mike said seriously, flicking ash off the end of his cigarette.
I snuck a sideways glance at him. The C.D. track changed smoothly, blasting No Doubt's 'Don't Speak'. We looked at each other, and burst out laughing.
"What is this shit?" Mike chuckled, ejecting the disk.
We both fell silent as we saw it was a mix tape, with Danica's blocky handwriting scrawled across the front.
Mike put it back into the player and cued it back up to track twelve.
You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel that I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe this could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know
"It's like she knew..." Mike whispered.
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
I was in shock. Absolute shock. I rememebered now, how much Danica loved No Doubt. I remembered that Halloween that she'd dressed up like Gwen, and I'd gone as the drummer.
Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry
"Oh my god..." I whispered.
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
No, no, no, don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
And I had. I'd hurt her so bad, with my stupid apologies, and my cruel words.
It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?
Were we dying? Was what we had, that beautiful, innocent friendship dying? Did it have to die? If we became a couple, would it die? Could we ever go back to that sweet, carefree time when I could lie on her bed and not think about fucking her?
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying, so please stop explaining
Or maybe the damage was too great. Maybe I'd fucked up too badly this time, and a couple cigarettes, a kind word and a hug couldn't fix it.
I knew the answer to that question.
Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak,
Oh, I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good, I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la.
La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush, darlin' Hush, hush, darlin'
Hush, hush, don't tell me tell me cause it hurts...
"Fucking scary coincidence." Mike said, as an old Motely Crue single blasted out of the speakers.
I sat in silence.
Mike wisely decided not to pursue the subject, and eased the car out of park and we roared onto the highway.