Distance
Replay.
I went to Danica's house.
I don't even know why. I hated her. I hated her with everything I had in my heart. One more good thing, the only good thing I'd ever had, gone. Because of her. Because of my weakness.
I didn't even knock.
I kicked the door open, feeling the wood crack beneath my shoulder. A squeal of pain escaped my lips. My shoulder felt broken, but I ignored it.
"Billie! what the hell..."
She was on the floor, scrambling to tug a hoodie over her naked skin. Tre was hastily buckling his belt, blushing furiously. He brushed past me with an apologetic grin. I heard his car roar to life, and then vanish from the driveway.
The rage doubled, tripled, until it was choking me.
She saw everything on my face and reached out a white hand, pulling me onto the porch. I glared pointedly at her bare legs, and she shrugged.
"What's wrong?"
"So Jordan heard us. And he left me," my voice shook.
"Oh my god." I heard pity in her voice and had to turn away from her. "Billie, I'm so sorry."
"No, you're not," I snapped.
"What-"
"You're not. You don't even care."
"How can you say that?" Her voice was filled with hurt.
"How could you say that you care about this? You're the reason it happened. You couldn't just leave me alone."
"Look, I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
I slammed my fist into the porch rail. She stared at me, stunned into silence.
"Danica, you knew damn well what would happen. You knew he'd find out." She opened her mouth in fury, but I held up a hand. "Maybe you didn't know when, or how, but you knew. You knew. You knew we were getting careless. But you didn't care, because it wouldn't have been Tre walking into that bathroom. He's never in school. It was fine to get careless because it was just my happiness on the line."
"Billie...it was never like that."
"Then what was it like, Danica? Because I don't fucking understand."
"I never meant for Jordan to find out. I never...I...I wish things had turned out differently."
I turned to her, blinking back frustrated tears.
She was pale in the darkness, bare skin gleaming in the Californian moon. Her hair was mussed, hanging loose in dark waves around her face. Her eyeliner was smudged. Her lips were bruised from the force of Tre's kisses, or from mine. I didn't know.
My eyes followed the trail of small purple bruises down her neck. It was an odd feeling to know that I'd put them there, and to know that Tre either didn't realize or didn't care that he wasn't the owner of those marks.
I knew I'd fucked everything up. I heard the double meaning in her words. If I hadn't tried to use her. If I'd been smart enough to stay with her. If...
But she was wrong. She'd fucked things up as well. It wasn't just my mistakes keeping us apart. Her mistakes were glaringly obvious.
"You know, you're such a selfish bitch," I snapped. She sucked in her breath.
"Just because you're pissed doesn't mean-"
"No. It's the truth, or part of it. You're selfish." I was nearly spitting my words into her face. "You can't make up your mind, so you use me and Tre both. You're too scared to make a decision, and then you're too greedy to part with one of us. It's not fair."
I'd gotten too close. Her scent was all around me. I closed my eyes, trying to think. I felt her fingers, cool against my hot skin. A soft sob broke our silence. Someone was crying, but I didn't want to know who. I didn't want to open my eyes and see someone else in pain.
Danica drew me to her, kissing my forehead gently and then holding me close. Her cheek brushed mine. It was wet. Wet with her tears.
She was shaking, crying quietly as she stroked my hair.
"God...we're both so broken, aren't we?" she whispered.
I spent the night in her bed, listening to her heart beat in the dark. It was the first time in a long time that I'd felt any sort of peace at all. The touch of her skin on mine was soothing, the sound of her breathing like a lullaby.
My hands slipped through the seams of her shirt to find her skin. I laid my hand on her hip, drawing her close. I laid my head on her shoulder, kissed her neck tenderly, and drifted off to sleep.
I don't even know why. I hated her. I hated her with everything I had in my heart. One more good thing, the only good thing I'd ever had, gone. Because of her. Because of my weakness.
I didn't even knock.
I kicked the door open, feeling the wood crack beneath my shoulder. A squeal of pain escaped my lips. My shoulder felt broken, but I ignored it.
"Billie! what the hell..."
She was on the floor, scrambling to tug a hoodie over her naked skin. Tre was hastily buckling his belt, blushing furiously. He brushed past me with an apologetic grin. I heard his car roar to life, and then vanish from the driveway.
The rage doubled, tripled, until it was choking me.
She saw everything on my face and reached out a white hand, pulling me onto the porch. I glared pointedly at her bare legs, and she shrugged.
"What's wrong?"
"So Jordan heard us. And he left me," my voice shook.
"Oh my god." I heard pity in her voice and had to turn away from her. "Billie, I'm so sorry."
"No, you're not," I snapped.
"What-"
"You're not. You don't even care."
"How can you say that?" Her voice was filled with hurt.
"How could you say that you care about this? You're the reason it happened. You couldn't just leave me alone."
"Look, I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
I slammed my fist into the porch rail. She stared at me, stunned into silence.
"Danica, you knew damn well what would happen. You knew he'd find out." She opened her mouth in fury, but I held up a hand. "Maybe you didn't know when, or how, but you knew. You knew. You knew we were getting careless. But you didn't care, because it wouldn't have been Tre walking into that bathroom. He's never in school. It was fine to get careless because it was just my happiness on the line."
"Billie...it was never like that."
"Then what was it like, Danica? Because I don't fucking understand."
"I never meant for Jordan to find out. I never...I...I wish things had turned out differently."
I turned to her, blinking back frustrated tears.
She was pale in the darkness, bare skin gleaming in the Californian moon. Her hair was mussed, hanging loose in dark waves around her face. Her eyeliner was smudged. Her lips were bruised from the force of Tre's kisses, or from mine. I didn't know.
My eyes followed the trail of small purple bruises down her neck. It was an odd feeling to know that I'd put them there, and to know that Tre either didn't realize or didn't care that he wasn't the owner of those marks.
I knew I'd fucked everything up. I heard the double meaning in her words. If I hadn't tried to use her. If I'd been smart enough to stay with her. If...
But she was wrong. She'd fucked things up as well. It wasn't just my mistakes keeping us apart. Her mistakes were glaringly obvious.
"You know, you're such a selfish bitch," I snapped. She sucked in her breath.
"Just because you're pissed doesn't mean-"
"No. It's the truth, or part of it. You're selfish." I was nearly spitting my words into her face. "You can't make up your mind, so you use me and Tre both. You're too scared to make a decision, and then you're too greedy to part with one of us. It's not fair."
I'd gotten too close. Her scent was all around me. I closed my eyes, trying to think. I felt her fingers, cool against my hot skin. A soft sob broke our silence. Someone was crying, but I didn't want to know who. I didn't want to open my eyes and see someone else in pain.
Danica drew me to her, kissing my forehead gently and then holding me close. Her cheek brushed mine. It was wet. Wet with her tears.
She was shaking, crying quietly as she stroked my hair.
"God...we're both so broken, aren't we?" she whispered.
I spent the night in her bed, listening to her heart beat in the dark. It was the first time in a long time that I'd felt any sort of peace at all. The touch of her skin on mine was soothing, the sound of her breathing like a lullaby.
My hands slipped through the seams of her shirt to find her skin. I laid my hand on her hip, drawing her close. I laid my head on her shoulder, kissed her neck tenderly, and drifted off to sleep.