Distance

It was dead silent as we sloshed our way up to the school.

We found Tre, and all three of us had a cigarette. It was silent, until Tre looked at me, his gray-blue eyes serious.

"Did you two...?"

He didn't need to elaborate. We both knew what he was talking about.

"Not yet. It was raining, and we couldn't find anywhere that wasn't either covered in snow, or soaked from the rain." I wasn't exactly lying, but it wasn't exactly the truth. I had a sneaking suspicion that even if there hadn't been both snow and rain to contend with, Danica wouldn't have let me fuck her in a construction site.

Tre nodded slowly.

"So... Where is she?"
"Her mom gave her a ride up. So she should be around here somewhere." Mike said.

And almost as if his words conjured her up, I saw Danica walk out of the school, speaking quickly into her cellphone.

"Danica!" I yelled. Her head whipped around.

She said something else into the phone, an apologetic tinge that I could hear, even though I couldn't really make out the words. Then she slipped the phone into her pocket and stood there, waiting for us.

I'll never forget the sight of, standing alone on the sidewalk. Her jacket was far too big, hanging open. I could barely make out the Ramones logo on the black fabric of her shirt. Her eyeliner was smudged intricately along her lower lids, accentuating the breath-taking blue eyes. Her hair was a mess, but it was beautiful mess, curls going every which way, dark against her skin.

She looked so alone.

***

We went inside, because Danica was shivering so badly that Tre got nervous that she was freezing. But she was drenched, and badly, simply because her jacket was oversized and hadn't really kept the rain out.

Tre and Mike broke into the music room, where Tre commandeered a drum set. Mike discovered a bass guitar in the corner of the room, and the two of them began to play a medley of songs, everything from 'Dazed and Confused' to the chorus of 'All The Small Things'.

And then Chrissy arrived out of nowhere, all bustle and smiles. Just the sight of her was enough to brighten Mike's dismal mood, and he abandoned the bass to make room for her petite form on his lap.

I watched, almost jealous, as Mike brushed his lips gently across her cheek, eliciting a giggle. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close. They were whispering to each other, things that only lovers would say. Chrissy leaned back against him, and just by her body language, you knew that she loved him.

Intimate. It was intimate, even though everyone was watching.

And I could tell from the way my best friend was smiling that he loved her more than words could express.

Watching them, words came creeping into my skull unbidden, accompanied by a sweet melody.

'Now I cannot speak / I lost my voice / Speechless and redundant / 'Cause I Love You's not enough / I'm lost for words...

I toyed with them, fighting the urge to leave the room to write them down as I sat on the floor, against the wall, watching my friends.

Danica caught my eye from across the room. I patted the patch of floor next to me, winking at her. She smiled and came over, sitting down lightly next to me.

I could tell she was freezing, so I draped an arm around her. A few moments later, she was practically in my lap, shivering and dripping water onto the floor. I wrapped my arms around her, happy that I finally had an excuse to get close, and thrilled that she was finally letting me.

So I very innocently suggested that she borrow some of my clothes. She raised an eyebrow at me.

"I keep some extra shit in my gym locker. Since I don't really use it for gym, that is..."

She laughed, and followed me down the hallway.

***

The Boys' Locker room was completely empty, as I'd known it would be. Danica followed me, and leaned against the wall, shivering. She watched as I fiddled with the combination lock.

I removed a spare pair of jeans, my only clean pair, come to think of it. A pair of socks that I hadn't realized I had. I balled them up and tossed them to her. She caught them effortlessly, and we stood there, staring at each other.

"Um... Danica, I think you'd wanna take off the wet clothes." I told her, without turning around.
"Heh. I thought you'd say something like that." She said quietly.
"There's a sheet here... I could string it up if you wanted me too..." I offered, secretly hoping she would say no. "I mean, if you're too shy..."

I didn't mean for it to come out like it did. Like a challenge. Like I was suggesting that she was embarrassed, or that she was ashamed. I could see her face steel, her chin jut out stubbornly.

"Nah. It's alright."

I heard the rustle of fabric, and her jacket dropped to the floor. I didn't move, and her hands slipped slowly to her belt buckle and undid it.

I wasn't even breathing. She dropped her jeans onto the floor. I'd never pictured her like this, never imagined...

She was wearing boy shorts... They were the palest shade of red, with white checks. She had gorgeous legs. I was practically drooling. Her lips twisted into a tiny smile, and she pulled off her shirt.

***

I watched as she struggled into a pair of jeans. She stood there in the small patch of moonlight, her skin pale and beautiful.

"I can't find my shirt." She whispered. I moved slowly to stand just behind her, watching as she toyed the straps on her bra.
"Just wear that beater."
"Ergh. That's probably been here since school started." She wrinkled her nose as she slipped it over her head. Then she smiled.

"It smells like you."

I stepped close to her, putting my hands ever so gently on her hips. I could feel her breath against my cheek. She stiffened.

"Billie... We shouldn't... I'm not going to..."
"It's alright. I didn't expect you too anyway."

And I pulled her into a hug, smelling that undescribable scent that I only smelled on her. She was trembling, and I knew why and I wanted to try to make it better.

I reached up, rubbing her shoulders gently. Her hands were on my shoulders, balled up in the fabric of my shirt. All of a sudden, her hands moved, sliding down my arms and taking my hands in her's.

"You're hands are so cold." She whispered.
"I know." I replied softly, rubbing my thumb against her's.

She released my hands, grabbing onto the fabric of my shirt again as I pulled her close. I took a deep breath, wondering if I could get away with what I wanted to do.

Before I could change my mind, I slipped my hands underneath the beater, resting my palms against the bare skin of her hips. She sucked in her breath quickly, and pulled closer to me. She didn't say anything though, and I began carefully moving my hands up and down the smooth skin of back, feeling her muscles, tense and scared.

God, I was so tense right then. Every atom, every cell in my body wanted her naked on the floor. I had everything to lose, everything to gain. I could feel her trembling.

"You know I don't want a relationship with you, Danie? You know that?" She didn't say anything. In retrospect, I realized that she looked like she was about to cry.

"We're friends anyways... It just wouldn't be right." I whispered, pulling her close again.

I don't know why the fuck I said any of that. I just can't figure out why I did, because it sure as hell didn't make her feel any better. Maybe I was trying to convince myself, trying to calm my own nerves with nervous babble. Either way, she didn't pull away. Not just yet.

"... Just friends..." I said quietly, and she leaned her head against my shoulder. She was shaking. I could feel her breath, warm against my neck.

My right hand brushed against the top of her jeans. When she didn't pull away, I moved my hands around and rested my fingertips gently against her belt buckle. She didn't pull away then, but the second I pulled at the buckle, she jumped, pulling away from me.

"Danica..."

Her eyes were huge, big and scared. And I was absolutely horrified to see that they glistened with tears.

"Hey." And suddenly, Mike was there.

"Did you guys do it?" He asked, his eyes taking in her rumpled appearance.
"No... She gave me a good talking to. She told me to keep it in my pants." I said, forcing cheer into my voice as I tried to play it off, tried to make her laugh.

But she looked down at the ground. Why the fuck wouldn't she look at me?

And the whole way back, she didn't say anything, just wrapped herself in Mike's jacket and watched us silently.

And she wouldn't look me in the eyes.