Distance

I dragged myself into school the next day. I'd chain smoked an entire pack of cigarettes on the way, tossing the butts out the window of Mike's car and blasting the radio. I was so goddamn jittery; it was making Mike nervous.

"Can you just calm down, Bill? You aren't going to see her until last period."

"If she shows up."

"Danie doesn't cut classes."

"Jordan called me this morning. Danie called him and asked if he wanted to cut last period with her."

Mike shot me a sideways glance. We both knew Jordan. He was the local dealer, a nice enough guy, tall, dark and handsome with various facial peircings, but he was trouble. And if you hung around him long enough, you'd wind up as fucked up as he was.

It killed me to think that Danica would rather hang out with him than sit in the same classroom as me.

"Mike...how do I fix this?"

My best friend sighed, ran a frustrated hand through his hair. That couldn't be a good sign.

"Bill, you can't...you can't just fix this. This is more than some stupid fight over stupid, trivial things. This is someone's emotions. You can't just stick a band-aid and some disinfectant on her and make it all better."

"Can I try?" I asked quietly.

"I don't know exactly what went on between you two. But what I do know is that I never saw Danica lose her cool once, in all the time I've know her. So whatever the fuck happened, it's fucked her up good."

There was a certain authority in the way he said that. He knew something I didn't, and I needed to know.

"What do you know that I don't, Mike?" I asked. He shrugged.

"She called me last night around two. Sobbing so hard she could barely talk. She didn't go into detail..." Mike paused, and I knew that some part of him could still hear Danica's sobs from the night before.

"She didn't give me any details. She basically said that she'd fallen hard, and now she was just...heartbroken. She told me it hurt to think about you, but everything that happened was just playing on a loop in her head and she couldn't stop seeing it. She told me she was so fucking sick of crying, but she couldn't stop. And she told me that she thought she was running out of tears."

I couldn't believe it. This was ripping me apart, killing me. I'd done this to her. I'd done it. I buried my head in my hands.

"Don't beat yourself up...I mean, she even said that it wasn't your fault."

"No, Mike, it is. She didn't have to come hang out with us last night. She did it because she cared about me, and she knew how bad my breakup with Maria was. She wanted to fix me, and she didn't care about herself...God, I've just fucked everything up."

Mike made a soft, sympathetic noise in his throat.

"Bill...things'll get better. Hey, maybe we'll go in there and she'll be fine. Maybe...maybe last night, she was just freaked out. Maybe she called up Chrissy and talked herself through it."

"Yeah...yeah...maybe." I agreed.

Even though we both knew it wasn't true.

***

I knew she'd be at her locker. I should have taken the other staircase, just so I wouldn't have to see her.

She stood there, flanked by Chrissy and Tre.

She looked...off. There was something missing. She was standing still for once, resting her forehead gently against the cool metal. I knew those were Mike's jeans she was wearing, because they weren't merely too big for her, they bagged around her ankles. She was wearing that long-sleeved green t-shirt I loved. Maybe she was just wearing it to punish me...

She looked so beautiful. Her skin, her body, those breasts...I just wanted to grab her.

And then she turned to look at me.

It was maybe the first time I'd seen her eyes since it happened, and I knew my jaw dropped. Her eyes were dead, and filled with pain, anguish beyond my own immature knowledge. They were so fucking blue, and I could almost sense the tears she was holding back. There was no smile on her lips, no laughter coming from her throat. She was just gone, dead, and I didn't know what to do.

She hesistated for the barest fraction of a second. Barest. Then she grabbed a notebook, slammed the door and started walking.

Against my better nature, I called out to her.

"Hey! Danica!"

I saw her hesitate. Pause by her homeroom door. I broke away from the group to hover uncertainly in front of her.

"How...how're you?" I stammered. She just looked at me.

I could drown in those eyes. God, I wish I was in love with her.

"You want the truth, Billie?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah...yeah, I'd like that."

She smiled, and it was so sad I wanted to cry.

"It hurts to breathe." She whispered, and vanished into her homeroom before I could reply.

***

I was nervous and twitchy all through my first period class. I saw her walk by twice. I didn't know why she kept walking by, but the second time, Chrissy abandoned her computer, got a pass from the teacher, and walked out into the hall.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Danica crumple into her arms, saw Chrissy patting her gently on the shoulder. I was sitting close to the door and their words drifted lazily into the room. I could just barely hear them, but barely was enough.

"I can't even think. It just hurts so bad."

"I know, I know."

"He stopped me in the hall this morning too...God, I know he's just trying to help, but every time he gets too close I can feel his hands on me."

"Then don't get close."

"I'm too stupid to stay away."

"He looked really sad in class. He's all jumpy..."

"Shit...This is all my fault."

No, I thought. This isn't your fault, Dani. It's mine. I should never have done this to you.

"He called me last night and tried to explain...but it just made things so much worse."

"Why? What happened?"

"H-he told me that he just wanted sex from me. That I...we were just friends, and we shouldn't hook up. He said...he said he was trying to distract himself with...with sex."

I cringed. I never should have told her that. I heard Chrissy's indignant little gasp and she pulled away from Danica.

"He said that?" She gasped, shocked.

"Yeah..." Danica sniffled. "I understand...I totally understand his reasoning. It just hurts...it hurts to know that he thinks of me as just a hook-up."

Chrissy was going to kill me, I realized. Chrissy was fiercly protective of her friends, and I'd made Danica cry. I was screwed.

I stood up, walked up to the teacher.

"Excuse me...umm. I need a bathroom pass?"

"Can you wait till the other girl gets back?" The woman asked, with a bored look up at me.

"Not really..." I said, shifting my weight uncomfortably. She sighed, and scribbled me out a bathroom pass.

"Be quick, alright?"

"I will." I mumbled, and dashed out into the hallway.

And collided with Danica.

***

We fell to the ground. She landed on her back, and I landed almost on top of her. My head was on her chest, arms and legs intertwined. I could hear her heartbeat.

There was a moment that lasted a thousand years. Bodies pressed close, her lips so close. I leaned close to her, smelling the sweetness of her hair. I could see the ocean in her eyes.

Before she reacted and shoved me off, almost in tears.

"Billie, where the hell did you come from?" demanded Chrissy. Her eyes were flashing. Not a good sign.

"I...I was just in class and I had to go..." My voice trailed off. Chrissy's fists were clenched. Danica...I couldn't even look at her. Just being that close, if it was torture for me, it must have been hell for her.

"Just...just go." Danica said quietly, her voice pleading.

So I left.

I cut out completely, ditching the rest of that pointless class to stand outside and smoke cigarettes, and wonder why, out of all the girls at my school, did I have to pick Danica to ask for sex?

Why the fuck did this feel like a breakup? We hadn't been together, nowhere near it.

Maybe it was her innocence; I wanted to protect her from everything. And I'd hurt her badly. I realized that. But it was just sex, why the hell should it matter so much to her?

Wait...

'My first time...I want it to be right, and I want it to count, Bill.'

She'd said that to me, three months ago, after she and her second boyfriend had broke up.

Damn, I'd been slow about it. She was a virgin...

I think I'd always known that, considering that lack of...I couldn't quite explain it. She was far from innocent, but when I looked at her, I never, ever, thought 'slut' or 'whore'. Fucking wasn't a word anyone associated with her, although she was gorgeous in her own way.

I'd asked her for her virginity...

Shit.

***

Tre wouldn't talk to me. I understood, I really did, but it really made everything just that much more awkward.

Lunch. Danica wasn't in my lunch, but Tre was. Mike was. Chrissy was. Normally, we'd all sit at a table together. Then Danica would show up with a bathroom pass and sit down with us.

I had a sudden, painful memory of the last time this had happened. Danica had squeezed herself in between me and Mike. She'd been so close, laughing, stealing sips from my soda and taking bites out of my sandwhich. I remember I'd kissed her on the cheek, accidentally-on-purpose, and she'd blushed.

How had I been such a fucking idiot?

***

When I sat down at the usual table, Tre gave me a cold glare, stood up and walked away. Chrissy fiddled with her straw while the silence stretched awkwardly.

"I didn't mean for this to happen." I whispered.

I didn't have to speak any louder. Chrissy heard.

"If I wasn't five foot nothing and too skinny, I would kill you." Chrissy whispered back, abandoning the straw. "You know how Danica is, Billie, you know!. She fell for you, anyone with eyes could see it. And you just fucking used her."

She stood up, knocking her chair over.

"I hope you're fucking thrilled with yourself. And just so you know," She looked back, over her shoulder. "Danica was always the one who defended you when people started saying that all you wanted was sex, or that you were a crap guitarist."

Her last words were soft, dagger-sharp, designed to hurt. And hurt they did.

"You fooled her good." Chrissy said, and then vanished into the lunchline.

***

Last period. An hour and a half sitting next to Danica, so close our elbows would bump together everytime she wrote something down.

It was torture.

Jordon had walked her to class. He'd bent down from his impressive height of six feet, three inches, and placed a soft kiss on Danica's cheek.

I felt a surge of hate, and I didn't understand why.

The bell rang. He squeezed her hand, murmured something. She nodded, and her hair fell over her eyes. I watched as he gathered her into his arms, holding her close.

Then he was gone, obviously leaving to go do whatever illegal substances he had stashed in his glove compartment. Danica slumped against the door frame, eyes closed. I knew that she didn't want to be here, and I just couldn't figure out why she was.

She crossed the room slowly, eyes anywhere but on me. I couldn't have looked away from her if I'd tried.

She slipped silently into her seat, head down, hair hiding her face. Her body was angled away from mine, but we were still close enough that I could feel her body heat.

I had no idea what to say, what to do. I watched as she flipped aimlessly through her notebook.

Her hands were shaking.

***

"Danie...Danica..."

Twenty minutes of silence. I just couldn't take it anymore.

She froze, muscles tensed. I heard her quick little intake of breath, a hiss of pain that made me flinch.

"Please...just look at me." I begged.

She didn't move.

"I...Billie, I can't." She whispered.

It was like I'd been slapped in the face. Anger bubbled suddenly to the surface, and now I was shaking.

"You can't?!" I hissed. "You can't look me in the eye, even after everything we've been though?"

"That's just it, Billie. After everything we've been through, I'd thought that you would have treated me better than this."

"What the fuck did I ever do to you, Danie?" I snapped. "Ask you for sex? Fine. That was shitty of me. But did you ever tell me no? You just lead me on, letting me act the fool."

Her head snapped up, eyes wide, but I just kept going.

"No, of course not. What did you think? That I would have raped you? That Mike would have let me, assuming that I'm enough of a scumbag to do something like that, which we both know that I'm not. If you had just once, once asked me to bring you home, or to stop, I would have. But no. You didn't say one goddamn word, not even at the very last second. You just yanked yourself away from me like I was some sort of disgusting reptile."

"You should have known." She whispered.

"Oh? Am I a fucking mind reader, you stupid little cock-tease?"

That was it. I'd finally gone too far, and I knew it before the words had ever registered on her face.

All the blood drained from her face, and her mouth dropped open. She leapt up, out of her seat and slapped me so hard across my already bruised cheekbone that I screamed out in pain and toppled over.

"Asshole." She whispered, as tears spilled down her pale cheeks.

She grabbed her purse and dashed out of the room, leaving me there on the floor.

***

All I wanted was to gather her up into my arms and tell her that I hadn't meant a word of it.

But I couldn't find her. Mike and I searched the school, wandering aimlessly through the vacant hallways until a janitor kicked us out. Then we piled into his car, and drove aimlessly through the streets.

"I'm an asshole."

Mike didn't say anything, which basically confirmed my thoughts.

"Bill...Bill, why the fuck did you have to make things worse?" Mike asked quietly.

"I didn't mean to."

Mike slammed his hand onto the steering wheel. His car horn blared out an indignant protest.

"Goddamnit, Billie!"

I stared at him, shocked at his sudden violence.

"You never mean to do anything, Billie, but you do things to people, and you hurt them. What you did to Danica, it was heartless. I don't know what to do, and it's killing me."

He pulled into my driveway and unlocked my car doors.

"You need to find a way to put things to rights."

And even as he pulled away, leaving me angry and alone, I knew he was right.