Distance

I could hear them whispering, hear her sobs. I almost wanted to bolt, leave Mike's house and go somewhere, anywhere else.

But I was here, and she needed me.

And as much as I hated to admit it to myself, I still needed her.

I didn't want to admit it, but this past week had been harder than I'd let anyone know. Without Danica, I felt somewhat lost. I'd tried talking to her a couple times, online, on the phone, in person. But she'd side-stepped my attempts so gracefully I never could find the courage to approach her again.

She was hurting, I could see that now. And everytime she saw me, it was worse.

I paused with my hand on the knob. I heard sheets rustling.

"What the..." I murmured, so quietly I couldn't hear my own voice.

Then the door opened, nearly breaking my nose. I cursed, leaping back. Mike stepped out of the room, giving me a filthy look.

"Billie, stop fucking around and give her that water. I'm going to call Tre and see if there's any tricks that we don't know. Then I'm gonna drive down to the drugstore and get some asprin. Don't do anything to make things worse, you hear me?"

And he vanished down the hallway to the living room.

I stood there for a moment, torn between anger and hurt. Then I flipped the bird at Mike's retreating back, and slipped into the room.

***

Mike's mattress laid on the floor, shoved into the corner of his room. He had two dressers, but clothes were strewn in piles everywhere. His massive stereo sat impressively on the dresser next to the window. Mike's bass leaned carelessly against the wall beside his amph.

Danica sighed quietly. She was on her stomach, cheeks flushed. Her eyes were closed, and a lock of hair fell across her face.

I very carefully sat down on the bed next to her, placing the water down on the nightstand. Before I could think better of it, I leaned over and brushed the hair away from her face.

She shifted position, rolling onto her side at the exact moment I touched her. Her hoodie was all tangled up. I reached over her and started untangled her from it, finally pulling it off and dropping it on the floor beside me. Then I dragged the sheet up, over her now-bare shoulders.

It was the closest I'd been to her all week.

I let my hand rest against her hot cheek for a moment. Then I noticed her lips curling slowly into a smile.

It was a stupid idea, but god, it wouldn't be the first time I'd had one. And I doubted it would be the last.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I leaned in and began to kiss her.

***

She reacted the only was a girl could. She kissed me back, with an intense fucking need that I hadn't realized she'd had.

Her hands slipped into mine, pulling me closer and closer until I was on top of her, and our tongues were dueling.

Then we broke apart for air. She stared at me for a moment, eyes wide.

My senses were heightened, and I'm sure that my skin was as flushed as her's. She knew it was me. I could see the knowledge in her eyes. She laid there, limp against the pillow, watching me.

"Do it again." She whispered, so soft I could barely hear her. "Again."

***

I removed her clothes slowly. First her beater, then her jeans, then her bra. Then I slowly slipped off her panties. And all the while she was doing the same to me. Just the feel of her fingers dragging across my skin was too much for me to handle.

I moved from her lips to her neck, then to her chest. I didn't realize it at the time, but I left a trail of dark, purple hickeys in my wake. I marked her, and everyone would see.

God, I wanted to touch every inch of her smooth, white skin. She was beautiful, she was everything I'd ever wanted.

But she wasn't mine.

That thought exploded into my head and made me pause for a moment, look down at Danica.

I had her for tonight. We were on borrowed time. In fact, I hadn't even gotten her honestly. She was drunk, and she didn't realize the consequences this would have.

But I was such a selfish bastard that I didn't stop and ask her if she was sure she wanted this.

I fumbled on a condom, all the while planting light feathery kisses down her neck.

And then I was inside her, and she was gasping my name. The moment seemed to go on forever, until finally I collasped against her, and she stroked my hair and our heartbeats synchronized.

We were beautiful then, a sheen of sweat over our bodies as we laid tangled together in a bed that wasn't ours, panting as we realized what we'd done.

***

My cell phone rang about twenty minutes later. Mike was drunk, apparently, and staying at Chrissy's house.

So I was alone with Danica.

What to do, what to do?

***

We did it again when she sobered up a little, and it was better than the first time.

I didn't understand why she let me. She and I both knew that this wasn't anything permanant, and that I wasn't going to stay in the morning.

And I didn't understand why sex with Danie was so different from sex with Maria.

With Maria, it was fast, hard and satisfying, with screaming orgasms and hickeys that turned my skin purple for days at a time. It was sex on acid, on cocaine, on herion, on whatever drug she was on at the time. It was mindblowing, but it was filthy dirty and I was always tired in the mornings.

With Danica, it was entirely different. It was tender, sweet almost. It was those little gasps she made as I touched her, as I kissed her breasts. It was the purity, the innocence that she had, I wanted to protect her. It was entirely satisfying and erotic in its own right. It wasn't slow, but it wasn't fast, and I knew I didn't have a mark on me.

And I liked sex with Danie better.

***

Around the same time as the bright red numbers on Mike's clock radio flashed four twenty-seven, Danie started pulling away from me.

"I need a shower." She said quietly.
"Want some help?" I asked, unsure if I was joking or not. She shrugged.
"Whatever you want."

Goddamn it, I couldn't figure out if there was an invitation there.

"Well, I'm just offering my....services..."

She didn't say anything, merely vanished into the bathroom with an armful of Mike's clothing.

I flipped over onto my back, stretched. I wondered vaguely if there was any sort of food in Mike's kitchen.

Then I heard the window of the bathroom sliding shut.

***

"So...let me get this straight." Mike's brow was furrowed, and I knew he was trying to figure out if he should believe me or not. He was still mildly hungover; Chrissy had dropped him off a few moment ago.

"You fell asleep on my floor, and when you woke up, she was gone. But she left her clothes here, at my house, and you're prancing around with sex hair and too much smiling."

Damnit.

"Alright, fine. We slept together."

Nothing in the world could have prepared me for Mike's reaction. He jumped up, punched me twice in the face then shoved me into the wall.

"You are a fucking idiot, did you know that?" He spat. "You just can't leave her alone, and let her heal, can you? You just need to keep twisting the fucking knife until she bleeds to death, huh?"
"Mike, it just...it just sort of happened!"
"THINGS DON'T JUST HAPPEN, BILLIE! YOU MADE A DECISION, AND IT WAS FUCKING STUPID!"

Then he sighed.

"Just get out."
"Excuse me?"
"Get out of my house. Go sort yourself out, Bill. You're a fucking mess, and you're hurting the people you love. So just get out and don't come back until you've figured things out."

***

When that door slammed behind me, it was probably the first time I'd ever felt truly alone in the world.

I couldn't go home. Home wouldn't solve any of my problems. I couldn't go to Danica's. I couldn't go to Mike's and I certainly couldn't show up on Tre's doorstep with a handful of Daisy's and expect to be welcomed with open arms.

With a sigh, I started towards the only place I could think of to go.

And I wasn't even sure if I was welcome there, either.

***

Maria's house.

Well, it was more of an apartment, where she crashed every once in a while when she was between boyfriends. And I knew that she was between boyfriends.

She opened her door for me, and listened while I told her how badly I'd fucked up.

She sat there, gorgeous, all long legs, long dark hair, red lips. Smooth tanned skin and those tattoos decorating her arms.

"You always were a fuck-up." She said affectionately. "That's what I liked about you."

She reached out, ruffled my hair. I smiled.

"Let's get high." She declared, and handed me a needle.

Heroin. I hadn't done this since we'd broken up.

I couldn't think of an adequate reason why I hadn't done any sort of drug in the past few weeks.

So I took the needle, shot the heroin, and drifted away.