Distance
Morning.
I tossed and turned on Maria's bathroom floor, seeing bits of these past fews weeks replaying over and over before my eyes. The cut into my like shards of glass, in disarray. Nothing made sense.
* * *
"Does it even matter? The stories all end the same."
"Happily ever after?"
"Haven't you figured it out by now, Billie?" She teased. "Happily ever after doesn't exist."
* * *
"Maria-"
"Goodbye, Billie."
* * *
"Billie?"
"Hmm?"
"We're...we're friends, right?"
"Of course we are, Danie. You know that."
* * *
I felt someone touching me. Someone's hand sliding across my shoulders, someone's legs straddling my hips.
"Danica..."
* * *
"No, of course not. What did you think? That I would have raped you? That Mike would have let me, assuming that I'm enough of a scumbag to do something like that, which we both know that I'm not. If you had just once, once asked me to bring you home, or to stop, I would have. But no. You didn't say one goddamn word, not even at the very last second. You just yanked yourself away from me like I was some sort of disgusting reptile."
"You should have known."
"Oh? Am I a fucking mind reader, you stupid little cock-tease?"
* * *
"Do you even like Billie?"
"I used to...last year, maybe even at the beginning of this year."
* * *
"Didn't you understand a word she just said? She doesn't want to be with you!"
* * *
"All I ever was to you was a cheap fuck. That's all you wanted from me. And now..." She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them to glare at me. "Now you've got that other girl. With her fancy clothes and her pretty hair and cute, tiny body. And you can use her for sex now, and you don't need me anymore."
"DANICA!"
"You never gave a shit about me, not ONCE! Not once that entire night did you notice that I was shaking, or that I was scared. All you wanted was to fuck me seven ways to Sunday, and then be done with it! That's the only reason you wanted to hang out, the only reason for ANY of it! And then you have the balls to blame fucking me for it! What a fucking riot, you didn't care about me for a second, you just wanted to fuck me!"
* * *
"You are a fucking idiot, did you know that? You just can't leave her alone, and let her heal, can you? You just need to keep twisting the fucking knife until she bleeds to death, huh?"
"Mike, it just...it just sort of happened!"
"THINGS DON'T JUST HAPPEN, BILLIE! YOU MADE A DECISION, AND IT WAS FUCKING STUPID!"
* * *
"Danie...Danie, are you alright? Please, tell me you're okay."
"I'm not. I'm not okay, Billie."
* * *
And then I jerked awake, covered in sweat. I couldn't breathe, my chest felt tight. I was sore, as if I'd been working out. My head hurt, and tears were streaming down my cheeks.
Maria laid next to me, completely naked, hair mussed. I could see a trail of dark hickey's decorating her neck, shoulders and chest and felt vaguely disgusted knowing that I'd left them there.
I stood up shakily, trying to take deep breathes.
I glanced into the mirror and gasped. I looked like shit, sweaty, with mussed hair and a spectacular collection of hickeys on my neck and left shoulder. I glanced down at my naked body, seeing the scratches and a single hickey on the inside of my right thigh.
I hated my reflection, I fucking hated the weak bastard who was staring back at me with wide eyes. I gawked back at him, wanting to badly to just shatter the mirror into a million peices.
Then my knees gave out, and I had to grab onto the sink to keep myself from falling on top of Maria.
After wrapping a towel around myself with trembling hands, I crept out into the hallway in search of my clothes. I found my Dickies in a heap next to her bedroom, and my t-shirt on her kitchen counter. My sneakers were by the door, and my flannel was slung over the door handle.
I pulled everything on, not caring how rumpled and fucked up I looked, then staggered out of her house.
I must have made it about seven blocks before I passed out on the sidewalk.
* * *
When I came to this time, I was in a room that was both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
I laid there, unwilling to move because I was so damn comfortable. But then I heard arguing voices, and dragged myself over to the door.
"I'm not fucking keeping him here until he wakes up, are you insane?" A voice snapped, low and furious.
"Please, Tre? Please?" A second voice begged. A girl, someone I knew, but just couldn't place.
"No. I don't care. After what he did to you, I'd sooner stab him with a pen cap."
"Tre." I recognized that voice. Danica. "Please. Just for a little while. Until he sorts himself out."
"Danica, why the fuck do you care?! After everything. After he fucking used you, after he screamed at you, after he fucking raped you while you were trashed-"
I heard a sharp slapping sound from the hall and then Tre's idignant gasp.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!" He howled, hurt.
"He didn't rape me, Tre. I fucking let him. And I loved every goddamn second."
Tre was silent for a moment, and I pushed the door open a fraction more so I could see them.
"I was stupid, and ignorant. I wanted to know what it would feel like, sex with Billie. It was good and he made me scream. But when I finally woke up, I was just empty. He held me, and he said all the right things, but I knew nothing had changed."
"It should have."
"I know. But things never turn out the way they should, do they?" She asked sadly.
"Danie..." Tre whispered.
And then he kissed her. He shoved her up against the wall and fucking kissed her. It was a beautiful, passionate kiss, the kind of kiss that usually leads to discarded clothing and screams of exctasy.
And goddamn it, it did.
* * *
They had no idea that I could see them. They obviously thought I was still passed out in my bed.
But I saw everything.
I saw the way Tre eased her down onto the floor of the hall, kissing her all the while. I saw him slip off her clothes so slowly, I saw his kissing her neck, his lips traveling over the hickies I'd left there, making her moan. I saw his hands slip down her stomach, over her hips, to slide her jeans off.
I watched as Danica's hands vanished into his pants. I saw Tre shudder, and pull her closer. I saw Tre kissing his way down her neck as I had done, planting rings of kisses around her breasts and down her stomach.
I heard the breathy little gasps Danica made as he entered her, the moans as he kissed her neck.
I hated myself for watching. I hated myself more than ever, and god, I hated Tre. I hated him with everything I had. I wanted to break his fucking neck for touching her, but I knew I had no right. Danica wasn't mine, and she could do what she wanted.
And realizing that almost killed me.
I couldn't fucking breathe, watching them. I felt hot, angry tears sliding over my cheeks. I felt my heart breaking, as waves of pain spilled outward. All I wanted was to stop watching, but I couldn't stop.
I stayed there, crouched at the door, as Danica and Tre moved against each other, kissing, moaning, tasting. And finally exhaused themselves and laid there, tangled together, gasping.
I wanted to dash out there and shove him off of her, but I didn't dare.
"Tre, I-"
"Danie..." He looked down at her, hair hanging into his eyes.
"I...I feel like this...this is right. But at the same time...I feel like it's wrong."
She looked up at him seriously, and I was praying that somehow I would come into this. But Tre nodded for her to continue.
"I feel safe with you."
"Sometimes, that's all you really need in a relationship, Danie. Security."
"I know..."
"Would you get that with Billie?" Tre asked, and Danica looked away. "You wouldn't. Billie wouldn't keep you safe. He's stupid, and he's careless, and he doesn't understand or care about other people's feelings. He's a close friend of mine, but that's the honest truth. I know how he is, and it breaks my heart that he hurt you."
Danica was silent for a moment, then she reached up with her lips and kissed Tre.
I felt a stab of pain, not just from what Tre had said, but from how she'd reacted. She hadn't defended me, hadn't contradicted him. She'd fucking kissed him.
And then she said something that completely shattered my heart.
"Tre...I want to stay with you."
* * *
"Does it even matter? The stories all end the same."
"Happily ever after?"
"Haven't you figured it out by now, Billie?" She teased. "Happily ever after doesn't exist."
* * *
"Maria-"
"Goodbye, Billie."
* * *
"Billie?"
"Hmm?"
"We're...we're friends, right?"
"Of course we are, Danie. You know that."
* * *
I felt someone touching me. Someone's hand sliding across my shoulders, someone's legs straddling my hips.
"Danica..."
* * *
"No, of course not. What did you think? That I would have raped you? That Mike would have let me, assuming that I'm enough of a scumbag to do something like that, which we both know that I'm not. If you had just once, once asked me to bring you home, or to stop, I would have. But no. You didn't say one goddamn word, not even at the very last second. You just yanked yourself away from me like I was some sort of disgusting reptile."
"You should have known."
"Oh? Am I a fucking mind reader, you stupid little cock-tease?"
* * *
"Do you even like Billie?"
"I used to...last year, maybe even at the beginning of this year."
* * *
"Didn't you understand a word she just said? She doesn't want to be with you!"
* * *
"All I ever was to you was a cheap fuck. That's all you wanted from me. And now..." She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them to glare at me. "Now you've got that other girl. With her fancy clothes and her pretty hair and cute, tiny body. And you can use her for sex now, and you don't need me anymore."
"DANICA!"
"You never gave a shit about me, not ONCE! Not once that entire night did you notice that I was shaking, or that I was scared. All you wanted was to fuck me seven ways to Sunday, and then be done with it! That's the only reason you wanted to hang out, the only reason for ANY of it! And then you have the balls to blame fucking me for it! What a fucking riot, you didn't care about me for a second, you just wanted to fuck me!"
* * *
"You are a fucking idiot, did you know that? You just can't leave her alone, and let her heal, can you? You just need to keep twisting the fucking knife until she bleeds to death, huh?"
"Mike, it just...it just sort of happened!"
"THINGS DON'T JUST HAPPEN, BILLIE! YOU MADE A DECISION, AND IT WAS FUCKING STUPID!"
* * *
"Danie...Danie, are you alright? Please, tell me you're okay."
"I'm not. I'm not okay, Billie."
* * *
And then I jerked awake, covered in sweat. I couldn't breathe, my chest felt tight. I was sore, as if I'd been working out. My head hurt, and tears were streaming down my cheeks.
Maria laid next to me, completely naked, hair mussed. I could see a trail of dark hickey's decorating her neck, shoulders and chest and felt vaguely disgusted knowing that I'd left them there.
I stood up shakily, trying to take deep breathes.
I glanced into the mirror and gasped. I looked like shit, sweaty, with mussed hair and a spectacular collection of hickeys on my neck and left shoulder. I glanced down at my naked body, seeing the scratches and a single hickey on the inside of my right thigh.
I hated my reflection, I fucking hated the weak bastard who was staring back at me with wide eyes. I gawked back at him, wanting to badly to just shatter the mirror into a million peices.
Then my knees gave out, and I had to grab onto the sink to keep myself from falling on top of Maria.
After wrapping a towel around myself with trembling hands, I crept out into the hallway in search of my clothes. I found my Dickies in a heap next to her bedroom, and my t-shirt on her kitchen counter. My sneakers were by the door, and my flannel was slung over the door handle.
I pulled everything on, not caring how rumpled and fucked up I looked, then staggered out of her house.
I must have made it about seven blocks before I passed out on the sidewalk.
* * *
When I came to this time, I was in a room that was both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
I laid there, unwilling to move because I was so damn comfortable. But then I heard arguing voices, and dragged myself over to the door.
"I'm not fucking keeping him here until he wakes up, are you insane?" A voice snapped, low and furious.
"Please, Tre? Please?" A second voice begged. A girl, someone I knew, but just couldn't place.
"No. I don't care. After what he did to you, I'd sooner stab him with a pen cap."
"Tre." I recognized that voice. Danica. "Please. Just for a little while. Until he sorts himself out."
"Danica, why the fuck do you care?! After everything. After he fucking used you, after he screamed at you, after he fucking raped you while you were trashed-"
I heard a sharp slapping sound from the hall and then Tre's idignant gasp.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!" He howled, hurt.
"He didn't rape me, Tre. I fucking let him. And I loved every goddamn second."
Tre was silent for a moment, and I pushed the door open a fraction more so I could see them.
"I was stupid, and ignorant. I wanted to know what it would feel like, sex with Billie. It was good and he made me scream. But when I finally woke up, I was just empty. He held me, and he said all the right things, but I knew nothing had changed."
"It should have."
"I know. But things never turn out the way they should, do they?" She asked sadly.
"Danie..." Tre whispered.
And then he kissed her. He shoved her up against the wall and fucking kissed her. It was a beautiful, passionate kiss, the kind of kiss that usually leads to discarded clothing and screams of exctasy.
And goddamn it, it did.
* * *
They had no idea that I could see them. They obviously thought I was still passed out in my bed.
But I saw everything.
I saw the way Tre eased her down onto the floor of the hall, kissing her all the while. I saw him slip off her clothes so slowly, I saw his kissing her neck, his lips traveling over the hickies I'd left there, making her moan. I saw his hands slip down her stomach, over her hips, to slide her jeans off.
I watched as Danica's hands vanished into his pants. I saw Tre shudder, and pull her closer. I saw Tre kissing his way down her neck as I had done, planting rings of kisses around her breasts and down her stomach.
I heard the breathy little gasps Danica made as he entered her, the moans as he kissed her neck.
I hated myself for watching. I hated myself more than ever, and god, I hated Tre. I hated him with everything I had. I wanted to break his fucking neck for touching her, but I knew I had no right. Danica wasn't mine, and she could do what she wanted.
And realizing that almost killed me.
I couldn't fucking breathe, watching them. I felt hot, angry tears sliding over my cheeks. I felt my heart breaking, as waves of pain spilled outward. All I wanted was to stop watching, but I couldn't stop.
I stayed there, crouched at the door, as Danica and Tre moved against each other, kissing, moaning, tasting. And finally exhaused themselves and laid there, tangled together, gasping.
I wanted to dash out there and shove him off of her, but I didn't dare.
"Tre, I-"
"Danie..." He looked down at her, hair hanging into his eyes.
"I...I feel like this...this is right. But at the same time...I feel like it's wrong."
She looked up at him seriously, and I was praying that somehow I would come into this. But Tre nodded for her to continue.
"I feel safe with you."
"Sometimes, that's all you really need in a relationship, Danie. Security."
"I know..."
"Would you get that with Billie?" Tre asked, and Danica looked away. "You wouldn't. Billie wouldn't keep you safe. He's stupid, and he's careless, and he doesn't understand or care about other people's feelings. He's a close friend of mine, but that's the honest truth. I know how he is, and it breaks my heart that he hurt you."
Danica was silent for a moment, then she reached up with her lips and kissed Tre.
I felt a stab of pain, not just from what Tre had said, but from how she'd reacted. She hadn't defended me, hadn't contradicted him. She'd fucking kissed him.
And then she said something that completely shattered my heart.
"Tre...I want to stay with you."