On and On

I had just walked back in the door from dropping off the kids at Denise’s, trying to fish the ringing phone from my purse.

I threw my keys down on the table only to see Joe pacing the kitchen his hair a mess, only a pair of sweatpants on and his cell phone pressed to his ear, worry creasing his face.

“Thank God.” He breathed when he turned around seeing me walking through the door, “Where were you? Where’s the kids?” He asked looking around me.

“Dropped them off at your moms.” I said, avoiding his eye contact.

Ever since last night, it’s been eating at me. How irresponsible and idiotic he was. He could of hurt someone, or himself. I hadn’t been able to sleep half the night and the tears had no problems making an appearance.

He plopped down in a chair at the kitchen table and rubbed at his temples. I silently walked to the cabinet and for him a couple of aspirin and a bottle of water.

“Thanks baby.” He sighed when I set it in front of him.

I bit my lip and busied myself in loading the dishwasher.

“So…what do you want to talk about?” I heard his soft voice behind me.

I shrugged a little, wondering if I was that transparent. “Who said I want to talk?”

“Well, you’ve been up since early, you’ve been crying, you got the kids out of the house, you haven’t looked at me all morning and you’re cleaning, all signs point to, something's on your mind.”

I sighed and turned around, looking him in the eye just to prove him wrong. It didn’t last for long. I dropped his gaze, already feeling tears coming on because I did not want to have this conversation.

“You’re mad at me.” He sighed.

I got the guts, and took the seat next to him, concentrating on the lines of the wood of the table.

“Do you know how incredibly stupid that was?”

I watched him drop his head.

“Joe, of all things you could have done, you went and got drunk? Like that’s going to solve anything? And then come home to me so I have to deal with it?” My voice was rising as I got more confident in what I was saying to him, wanting him to know just how stupid he was.

“Not to mention what you said to your brother—”

“You called Nick?”

“Yes I called Nick. And I think you should talk—”

“You’re on his fucking side? Are you se—?”

“Joe! You’re 25 years old! This isn’t about sides! Do you even know what happened after you left? Do you!”

“No! I don’t but you obviously do so please do tell me.”

I grit my teeth, “He said no, Nick turned Austin down because of how he treated you, Nick said no for you because you’re his brother and he knew it wasn’t right and he respects you and instead of being an adult and talking to him about it—you drank your problems away. How’s that working for you this morning?”

I saw his jaw clenching and unclenching trying to relieve the tension, but the crease between his eyebrows told me he was thinking about what I had said. I let him cool off for a few minutes and we sat in silence until I took a deep breath, ready to really break it down.

“Do you even know what I’ve been thinking? What’s been eating away at me ever since you got back? Why I couldn’t sleep?”

His eyes met mine at the distinct softness in my voice. I blinked hard to keep the tears back, but kept my eyes on his.

“What if you would have hurt someone? Or hurt yourself?” I choked out. “What if you never got to see the face of your new son?” I covered my mouth to hold back a sob and watched his face morph, sadness glossing over his eyes. “What if you never got to see your kid’s faces again? McKenna. Milo. Braden.”

At the sound of their names, he broke, tears pushed down his cheeks, and I wiped at my face, trying to continue, “What if you never got to see me again? Do you know what that would put me through? Do you have any idea that one loll of your head and slip of your hand last night could’ve taken you from me forever?”

He reached for my hand as sobs racked through my body and pulled me out of my chair, carefully onto his lap, rubbing small circles around my stomach with his palm.

“Do you know how stupid you are?” I cried into his shoulder, “I can’t live without you, Joe.” I sobbed.

“I know baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I’m sorry. I love you so much. Please—I'm sorry."

I felt his hot tears running slowly down my neck and I took a few deep breaths, lifting my head from his shoulder and reaching down to hold his face inbetween my hands, softly wiping his stray tears with my thumbs. His eyes watched mine while I smoothed down his hair.

I hugged him close to me and turned, placing my lips on his ear. “Promise me you’ll never do it again.”

“I promise.” He whispered.

I pulled back so I could watch his eyes and wound my fingers into the loose curls at the back of his neck.

“I love you.” I said almost silently, his eyes getting to me like they always did.

“Love you too.” He whispered setting his forehead against mine.

We sat there for what seemed like forever, whispering softly to each other and pressing light kisses over the other’s face.

I was almost asleep on his shoulder while he raked his finger up and down my back, “I need to call Nick, you want to go take a nap.”

“Mmhmm.” I hummed.

I slid off his lap and let him kiss me once more before climbing up the stairs and curling up on the bed.

--

“Baby.”

I groaned and scooted over, closer into Joe, snuggling my face into his neck. He rubbed the sides of my thighs, “Come on, open your eyes.”

I let my eyes slide open and looked up at him.

“You want some late lunch?” I nodded, and caught his hand after he planted a kiss on my forehead.

“Did you talk to Nick?”

He nodded, “Yeah. We’re good. He just wanted me to hear him out and I was being an asshole. But, it’s all fine.”

I smile lazily, “Good. I’m sorry I upset you earlier.”

He laid back down next to me. “I needed it. I was being way out of line and completely irresponsible, there was no reason for that. So thank you, love.” He pecked my lips a few times and I smiled.

“It’s kind of weird.”

He looked at me confused, “What is?”

“I don’t know—you’re always the one saving me, this time I kind of saved you.”

He smiled and everything was quiet for a few moments before his soft voice broke the silence, “Maybe we just save each other.”