On and On

I had a battle with myself outside the door. I walked away, back towards my room a few times. But that only resulted in me turning around shaking my head and going to stand back in front of the door. I reached out to grab the knob but I quickly snapped it back to my side. I didn’t want to face him.

I took a deep breath and once again reached for the knob. My fingers wrapped around the cold metal and my mind and body were having an argument. My hand was turning the knob but my mind was screaming for me to stop, telling me I wasn’t ready. But within five seconds I was standing in the room, staring at Joe’s bare back. He laid on top of the comforter, his knees tucked under his chin.

“Joe?” I whispered hesitantly and barely audible. It was clear he was already awake because his head snapped around before his whole name escaped my lips. His red eyes stared back at me through his glasses and he instantly sat up.

“Kayden.” He breathed. He sounded so relieved that I was actually standing in front of him. I bit the inside of my lips and went and sat on the bed near his legs. I shifted my body to face him but kept my eyes on the small hole on the knee of his sweatpants. Neither one of us spoke for a few moments until I decided to break that silence.

“Joe.” I sighed. “You know I love you, I love you more than anything.” I said shaking my head feeling the tears coming. “I just—I—I don’t know—I can’t—” I broke down, tears quickly falling down my face and soft sobs coming from the back of my throat. “Are you going to leave me?” He asked his voice cracking. He sounded so desperate and broken and it only made me cry harder.

I finally met his eyes that were burning into mine and I allowed him to take my hand in both of his. “Joe—I told you a long time ago that you have my heart and that I didn’t want it back—That’s forever.” I whispered. I saw a small smile tug on his lips that slowly faded when I pulled my hands gently from his, “But—you have to be careful with it—and you weren’t—you hurt it—you hurt me.” His head dropped and I saw dark spots appearing on his sweatpants where his tears were falling. “Kay—I’m sorry—if I could go back and do it over again I would’ve never done it—” I shook my head, “Joe, you don’t understand, it happened and I can’t help but blame myself.”

I saw his face fall into a puzzled one, “No—” he said. “No.” He repeated shaking his head, “None of this is your fault.” I licked my lips and turned to him, placing both of his hands in mine. “Joe, we got married so young, and had a McKenna right off the bat. You never got your chance to live. I’m all you know. There could be someone out there better for you. You were immediately tied down.” I said tears slipping down my cheeks. “I’m only telling you this because I’m letting you go.” His face dropped and he looked like he was going to be sick. “I’m giving you time, I don’t want to hold you back anymore. I can’t hold you back anymore. I won’t let myself do it. I’ll be okay.” He was shaking his head and I continued why I still could. “You can go, I’m telling you it’s alright.” I said the tears coming faster now.

“No, Kayden. No! Please don’t talk like that. I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t know that that’s exactly what I wanted and McKenna—oh my God McKenna—I couldn’t love her more if I tried—any of them. I don’t want to be away from you or them—ever, I want to be here—I want to be with you—you’re the only thing I need—you’re the only one I want—just please—.” He plucked his hands from mine and wiped the stream of tears from my cheeks.

“Joe.” I whispered. “You said you needed time. I’m trying to give it to you.” I became frustrated. “Please.” I said pulling his hands from my face. “Please, just go.” He stood up, “Is that what you want Kayden?” He said standing up. “You want me to go kiss my children bye while they sleep and just leave? Is that what you really want?” I stood in front of him, “No Joe! It’s not what I want! I’m thinking of you here. YOU said you wanted time, YOU ignored us. YOU did this.” I said breaking down my voice no longer able to hold my emotions in.

He hesitantly stepped forward and when I didn’t move away, he moved quickly, wrapping his arms around me. I resisted at first, trying to push myself away from him but I wasn’t strong and a part of me didn’t want to fight him, and even bigger part of me didn’t want to be mad at him at all. I knew he loved me and I knew I had him.

I collapsed into his chest and cried. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He repeated over and over. He pulled me back, setting his hands on my shoulders but keeping me close to him and looked down at me, “I know your mad, but I want to stay here. I want to work through it. I don’t want to leave you—I don’t want to go.” He said tears welling in his pleading eyes.

I sucked on my bottom lip, “I don’t want you to go.” I said laying my head on his chest. “But this can’t go away, I can’t just forget. It takes time.” I felt him nod against my head. “I know. I swear, I’ll be here—with you.” I nodded, my voice no longer capable of cooperating with me. He slowly walked backwards and detached himself from me and climbing onto the bed.

He pulled me to him so I was straddling his hips, both of my arms wrapped around his neck and his secure around my waist. “I love you.” He whispered, “So much, I love you.” I buried my head into his neck, “I love you too.” I melted into him, loving the warm feeling his embrace brought, not the comforting embrace from earlier, but the embrace that told me he loved me. After a few minutes he pulled me back and locked his eyes on mine. His hand trailed from the small of my back to my now flat stomach. “Are you really?” He whispered.

I almost forgot I told him. Everything else going on pulled my thoughts away from the newest Jonas. But I smiled down at his hand and nodded. He grinned, “Wow, another one.” He whispered, his now happy eyes landing on mine. I set my forehead on his, “I know. I’m sorry I told you like that—I was just so frustrated and I didn’t know what to do—” He pressed his finger to my lips, “I know.” He whispered. “It’s okay.” He said running a hand through my hair.

“Baby.” He spoke much softer, “I’m truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry I hurt you. I—I—just—” He stopped, shaking his head. I lifted his chin with my finger, “Hey, hey. Please don’t beat yourself up about it. From this point on let’s just focus on each other and taking each day one step at a time, no more past, let’s just focus on the future.” His tired eyes watched mine and a small smile tugged on his lips while he leaned forward placing his lips on mine in a long sweet kiss.