On and On

“Kayden!” I heard my name echoing from downstairs. “Kayden…Where are you?” I sat in the same spot, on the side of the bed as I had been earlier, phone still in hand, staring blankly out the window. Realization hadn’t dawned on me yet, I was still too shocked to move. “Kayden!” He yelled. My back was to the door but I could here him shuffling things around in the room, “I asked you to wash these…I have to leave in thirty minutes!” His voice was angry and he stomped into his closet.

“I asked you to do one thing…ONE THING!” His voice was muffled from the other room but I wasn’t paying attention, nor did I care. “I mean it’s not like you’re doing anything today, or any day for that matter.” I heard his words and wanted to react but I couldn’t make myself respond. His voice was louder now and he was behind me. “Are you even listening to me?” He asked as if he was appalled I wasn’t hanging on every word that left his mouth.

I saw him come around to the side of the bed I was sitting on. “Kayden!” He yelled. I didn’t flinch; I just kept my eyes focused on the slice of the ocean I could see out the window. I felt his hand underneath my chin, and it jerking upward to make me look at him, his grip staying tight on my chin, an angry look in his eyes. I let my eyes close causing a tear to slip down my cheek. “He’s gone.” I barely whispered, keeping my eyes closed.

His hands landed on my shoulders, rubbing up and down my upper arms, his touch suddenly softer and more caring. “Babe? “ He asked with a shaky tone, “What’s happened?” He asked, his voice now full of concern. I opened my mouth to answer him but a sob forced its way out and I slumped down on the bed, sobs ripping through my body and hot tears streaming down my face. Joe reacted quickly, sitting on the bed and pulling me into his lap.

I curled my body around his and grabbed his shirt in my fists. “He’s gone” I muttered. “Joe, he’s gone.” Sobs were leaving my body, echoing through the empty house. Joe held me tightly against him, his face pressed into my neck. He kept whispering, “Who?” but I didn’t want to say it…I didn’t want it to be real. I was coughing out sobs that were rubbing my throat raw. Joe squeezed me closer to him. “Please babe, please breath. You’re scaring me.” I tried but began gasping for air, taking deep shallow breaths.

He adjusted me so I could look at him, deep wrinkles creased in his forehead out of worry. Both his hands held my face in front of his. “Baby, look at me.” I let my eyes trail up his neck to meet his eyes. “Breathe, Kay. Please breathe.” He reached down, never breaking eye contact and rubbed soothing circles on my stomach. I sucked in a breath and held it. “Breathe.” He instructed. “Slowly…breathe.” I let out my breath a little at a time. “There you go...again.” He prompted me. I nodded, keeping my eyes on his and took another breath. Once I had managed to actually catch my breath, Joe pushed the hair away from my face.

“Now, tell me.” He said softly My body went frigid. “Wh-while y-you were gone—they called—a-and—d-d-dad—my d-dad—” I sobbed, more tears were flowing, “He’s gone Joe.” I saw the color drain from Joe’s face. He knew how important my dad was to me. “Oh my God.” He muttered, pulling me tight to him. “Oh my God, Kayden.” I sucked on my bottom lip, unable to stop the tears and nodded. “W-what happened?” He asked, still stunned. I shook my head. “H-his heart…it just—it just stopped.” He blew out a sigh, tears welling in his eyes. “I’m so sorry baby—oh my God—I’m sorry.” He said, sincerity and grief filling his eyes.

“Joe.” I choked, “Please tell me this isn’t happening.” I could feel my heart breaking with each beat, pounding against my rib cage. He was silent, holding me closer, “Joe. Tell me.” I ordered, “Tell me this isn’t real! It can’t be real!” I sobbed, clinging to his shirt, “Please Joe!” I begged. “Please.” I whispered. “Please.” He shook his head and I felt the tears that had managed to slip from his eyes, “I can’t baby, I’m sorry—I’m so sorry.” I let myself go, putting everything into Joe, relying on him to hold me and comfort me, and make sure I was okay, just like I knew he would, just like he knew I would be in this situation.

After I was over the initial breakdown, Joe scooted back, leaning against the headboard, pulling me halfway into his lap so I could stretch out, his fingers untangling the mess my hair had become. I saw his phone flashing on the bed, Denise’s picture staring up at me. “The kids.” I mumbled, my voice thick with despair. “They’re probably on the way home.” I tried getting up but Joe laid me down. “No—no.” He said softly. “You stay here.” He said grabbing his phone and quickly kissing my forehead. I watched him walk into the bathroom and shut the door.

I let the dread consume me. My dad was gone. He was really gone. I wouldn’t ever see him again. His shining eyes that matched mine. His comforting words. He was the only family I had and he was gone. I mean I had Joe and my kids, and I was more than grateful for them, but this was my dad…My dad…he’d always been there…he loved me unconditionally.

I heard Joe’s low voice from the bathroom, “It just happened out of now where, no one saw it coming…Can you take them home with you?...Thanks so much, I don’t want her to have to worry about them tonight, ya know?...I’ll bring them some stuff later…I know, mom…I’ll tell her…I love you…ok, bye.” I heard him quickly call Kevin and tell him he couldn’t make it, briefly explaining what was going on. He appeared back in the doorway. “Can I get you anything?” He asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

I didn’t answer his question. I stared blankly at the ceiling fan, “I was with him yesterday.” I whispered. “Yesterday.” I repeated, not wanting to believe it myself. “He was fine.” Joe laid down next to me wrapping his arms around me, “Listen. Things happen baby and we can’t stop it. It was his time.” I struggled against him, “No!” I tried pushing him away. “I need him Joe—I need him.” I cried, giving up trying to push him away and instead squeezing him tighter. “I know.” He whispered, pain in his voice. “I know.”

--

Joe’s P.O.V.

I watched her taking off the string of pearls that hung around her neck and set them on the dark wood of the dresser. She reached back trying to unzip her zipper. I watched her become increasingly frustrated, hot tears resuming their never ending cycle from her red, puffy eyes down her face. I felt the pang in my heart, seeing her so upset was driving me insane. I abandoned working on getting the tie loose from around my neck and silently walked over to her, gently slipping the zipper down. The dress slinked down to the ground revealing her bare upper half and black boy cut underwear.

I dipped down and press small kisses along her shoulder, I heard her sigh and her whole body relaxed into me. “It’s going to be okay.” I whispered, running my hands up and down her arms. She shivered and I reached down, inching open a drawer and pulling a t-shirt out, slipping it over her head. She allowed me to lead her to the bed and I pulled the covers back letting her slide in. I pulled off the rest of my clothes and got in next to her. She scooted towards me, pressing her body against mine. We laid in silence for a few minutes, only hearing her quiet sniffles. I heard her softly ask, “The kids?” I slipped my hand under her t-shirt, rubbing small circles along her lower back, “They’re with my mom.” She nodded and nuzzled her head back into my neck. I heard her sniffle, “Today was horrible.” Her voice was raspy from her crying. I hugged her tighter knowing that no words could comfort her.

Today had been the funeral. Not only did she lose her dad, but being the only close relative he had, she had to plan the funeral, practically alone. She got up and made a speech about his life and their experiences together that brought everyone in the room to tears. Our kids sat with my mom, they’d been staying with her since we found out, Kayden was in no state to deal with them also, and I wanted to be there for her at all times, besides, mom pretty much insisted they stayed with her.

McKenna had a good idea of what was going on, she sensed the sadness around her and it had been explained to her that she wouldn’t be able to see Pops anymore, that he went off to a better place. Milo and Braden weren’t so understanding. They were full of questions and extremely bothered by the fact that they couldn’t spend time with Pops and upset that Kayden was upset. They all three sat in at the funeral, we didn’t allow them to see him, not wanting them to remember him that way. Mom took them home when we left for the gravesite.

That was the hardest part. Kayden became hysterical. She clung to me, burying her face into my suit jacket, that muffled her loud sobs. I didn’t know what to do besides hold her. It took all there was in me not to cry, I wanted to be strong for her so she knew she could rely on me. She kept muttering “No.” over and over again into my chest. Everyone watched us, pain etched on their faces, and tears slipping down their cheeks. It was by far the most heartbreaking thing I’d ever seen.

“Joe.” She barely whispered, breaking my thoughts. I craned my neck to look down at her, “Yeah?” I asked softly. She took a large shaky breath, “Please don’t leave me.” She said, her chin trembling, promising more tears. I shook my head. “Kayden.” I breathed nuzzling my face into her neck. “Please Joe, just promise me.” I pulled back so I could see her eyes. “Never. I’ll never leave you…I promise.” I whispered. I leaned down and kissed her forehead. She nodded and I laid back down, resting my arm protectively across her stomach.

I felt helpless, laying next to her while the tears poured from her eyes with no signs of stopping. My heart broke a little more every time a sob shuddered through her body. I let her cry, I wiped her tears, I whispered softly in her ear, but there’s nothing more I could do, and I hated it. I couldn’t make this okay for her. She was hurting and I didn’t know what to do.

I laid awake listening to her cries getting weaker, the tiredness finally taking over her exhausted body. I looked over to see her swollen eyes closed, her chest rising and falling with each deep breath she took. She looked so peaceful, even the dried tearstains on her cheeks couldn’t take that away from her. I softly pushed the hair off her forehead, “Kayden.” I said, barely audible. “You mean everything to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I love you so much.” I breathed, kissing her forehead softly.

I huddled back into the pillows and scooted my body closer to her, resting my head in between her neck and shoulder. I closed my eyes, letting the sleep slowly take over. Before I had completely slipped off into unconciousness, Kayden shifted her head, her lips near my ear. “I love you too.” Her raspy voice managed to whisper. I smiled into her neck, and found her hand, lacing our fingers together.

It was going to be okay. We just needed time.