On and On

I woke up slowly, smiling as I was unable to move my body due to Joe’s strong arms wrapped around me, hugging me close to his chest, his legs tangled with mine. I watched his chest rise and fall and felt his warm breath brushing along my forehead. No longer did I have the feelings of loneliness and rejection and anger and remorse. My insides were warm and tingly and the feelings only grew as I did nothing but watch his body move.

I slightly lifted my head from the nook under his chin and propped myself up to look at his face. I was surprised to see his warm brown eyes staring back at me, a sweet smile pulled lightly on his lips, “Well, good afternoon.” He said leaning up to peck my lips. “Afternoon?” I asked, my voice full of sleep. He nodded his head to the clock behind me that declared it was just after 12:30. “Afternoon.” He confirmed. Then a smirk replaced his sweet smile, “I’m sure you were pretty tired after last night.” He said cocking an eyebrow.

I couldn’t help the blush that was quick to creep up my neck, heating my cheeks, nor the huge grin that lifted on my face afterwards. Last night was a night that was well overdue and not just all the love making that took place because God knows we did enough of that. We reconnected in every way possible, as companions, as friends, as husband and wife, as supporters, as confidantes, and as lovers…The remainder of the prior day and the night flashed through my head and I sighed in contentment, wrapping my arms around him and sinking back into his warm embrace, the huge grin still adorned my face and his fingers absentmindedly ran up and down my bare back.

I traced my fingers across his toned chest and smiled lazily when I saw goosebumps appear on his skin. I heard his breath hitch and looked up at him confused, only to see his eyes locked on his chest, pain etched in his eyes. Had I hurt him? I felt my nose crinkle and I followed his line of vision, landing on the delicate skin of my wrist, littered with bruises. It looked worse than it was, I couldn’t feel it, it didn’t hurt, it was just a bruise…but he didn’t know that. He reached down, without a word and tenderly took my hand in his, lightly wrapping his hand around my wrist, his fingers lining up perfectly with the bruises.

I quickly turned back to him just in time to see him hang his head in shame, but not before I saw his teeth dug tightly into his bottom lip and his forehead creased, deep in thought, and his sad eyes falling slowly shut. I hated to see him like that, it didn’t matter, I didn’t care, it was just a bruise. I couldn’t stand to look at him that way. I slowly lifted his hand from mine and brought it to my lips, kissing each of his fingertips then wrapping my fingers through his and kissing his palm. I looked up to see him watching me intently, his eyes glazed over and unfocused.

“I can’t believe I did that to you.” He breathed, shutting his eyes, and I saw his jaw clench. I didn’t want him to feel this way, I wasn’t hurt, he was angry, I understood, I wanted that to be behind us, for us to not to have to think about it. I set my hand on his cheek, “Honey, please don’t do this.” I pleaded. “I’m fine.” His forehead creased, “Look.” He whispered pulling our intertwined hands up and holding them in front of my face, “I did that. You hurt because of me…I hurt you.” I bit the insides of my cheeks, trying not to cry, listening to the obvious pain and regret in his voice. I set his hand on my heart and held it there, “You feel that?” His eyes opened, looking curiously at my face and he nodded, “Every beat is for you, nothing you do will ever change that…do you understand that? Nothing.” I said watching him closely, a tone of finality in my voice. He pulled me to him, his lips landing near my ear, “I love you.” He whispered, “Don’t ever forget that, okay?” I nodded into his neck and lifted my head, “I love you.” I sighed smiling slyly at him.

We laid in silence for a long while, just being in the other’s presence. I stayed cuddled close to him, only getting up to tend to my overactive bladder. I was returning from one of these frequent trips, walking quickly to relieve my feet from the cold floor. I climbed back on the bed, returning to Joe’s arms and pulling the thick comforter over us, a layer of goosebumps covered my entire body and I regretted our choice of not getting dressed today. Joe chuckled, his warm hands rubbed along my skin, smoothing out the goosebumps, and finally landing on my small baby bump. I smiled and turned planting small kisses across his neck, “Joseph?” I asked lightly in his ear, “Kayden.” He mocked my voice, squeezing my hand.

I grinned, and propped myself up on my elbow, “Can you take me to see my babies?” I asked tilting my head to the side and biting my lip. I saw the longing sparkle glint in his eyes, “You want to?” He asked reaching up and twirling a piece of my hair around his finger. I nodded, my growing smile pulling my bottom lip from the hold of my teeth, “Yeah.” I whispered. “I do…I miss them…a lot.” He smiled, “They miss you too.” I felt the pang in my chest, I had neglected them for over a week, of course they missed me, they were probably mad that I just left them like that. The last time I’d seen them was when they left to go to the museum with Denise…

Within the hour, although both of us found it extremely difficult to do so, we had managed to get up and dressed after having to remake the bed…twice. I was unbearably excited that Joe and I were back to normal. We were sickeningly happy and seemed to be back to the ‘honeymoon’ stage of loving stares and affectionate gestures and too-cute nicknames and not to mention the quite obvious attraction for the other. But I began to think that in our case, I’m not sure we ever really left the honeymoon stage in the first place.

We packed the car up…Well Joe packed the car, refusing to let me do anything. Since he had been too antsy, he had flown here to get to me faster so we’d be driving my car back. He opened the passenger door for me, leaning in and planting his lips on mine several times before pulling back, a smug grin on his face and closing the door.

He grabbed my hand as we made our way to the interstate, “I’m glad we’re okay.” He whispered, “I know you don’t want to hear it but I have to say it…I’m sorry, sorry I hurt you in any way at all.” I smiled softly and gave his hand a squeeze, “So am I, I’m sorry because I know I hurt you…but I love you, I also know that.” He smiled a closed lip smile and kissed the back of my hand, “I love you too, Kay.”

We made it to the Jonas’ by one in the morning. The exhaustion creeping over my body was enough for me to collapse on the spot, but seeing McKenna, Milo and Braden was enough to drive me to stay awake. We quietly got out the car and tip toed to the front door. The house stood silent, not a peep coming from inside. Joe pulled out his keys and carefully opened the door, quickly punching in the code to the alarm.

He wrapped an arm around my waist, leading me up the stairs to his old room that was now a guest room, sporting a king size bed that all of our children would be sleeping in, same as every other time they stayed here.

I smiled when I walked in the room, the Scooby Doo night light casting a small glow of light in between the bed and the bathroom, where the light was also on, I saw all of their sleeping forms sprawled out on the bed in awkward positions. Joe watched me, a grin on his face and tugged my hand, “Come on.” He whispered. I climbed on the bed, cuddling in between Braden and McKenna. Joe slipped in beside Milo and reached over both of our sons, grabbing my hand, interlacing our fingers. Braden shifted, snuggling into my side, nuzzling his head underneath my arm.

I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face and I suddenly wasn’t so tired anymore. I was perfectly content lying here, watching their small face while dreams danced in their minds. I watched them all and then my eyes landed on Joe. His eyes were heavy with sleep, but focused on me. He smiled weakly at me, his blinks getting longer and longer. He gave my hand a squeeze, his eyes shutting, and staying that way. The smile stayed present on his face and I watched them all silently and found tears coming to my eyes and I silently cursed pregnancy hormones. But this moment, right now, surrounded by the people I loved, the ones that loved me unconditionally, the most beautiful people I’d ever seen, it was all too much for me.

They were my world, my life, and just the fact that I had them, they were mine, they were my family, that hit me deep, made me realize how much I had, how much I took for granted. I was the luckiest woman on the planet…Or so it felt that way, but I didn’t care, because at that moment that’s how I felt and these feelings overpowered all the others surging through my body…these were the only ones that mattered.

I twitched, feeling the tingly feeling of something running over my stomach. I opened my eyes, squinting in the slice of sunlight illuminating the room. Everything was still quiet, so I knew it was early. I looked down to see a small hand tracing along the small bump my stomach had become.

I turned to come eye to eye with a smiling Braden. “Hi mommy.” He whispered, grinning up at me and abandoning his fingers on my stomach so he could wrap his short arms around me best he could. I hugged him tight to my chest, “Hey baby.” I replied softly, stroking his hair. He cuddled into me and I had just gotten comfortable when nature called. I patted his arms and he removed them from around me when I sat up.

Once I had managed to slide off the bed, I was half way to the bathroom when his small voice stopped me, “Mommy, you go bye bye?” He asked tilting his head to the side his lips pulled into a frown. I shook my head, hating that he thought I was leaving him, “No Bray, I’m just going potty.” I said, wanting to laugh at the words I had to use to describe things to my children. “I’m not leaving you again.” I promised. He smiled a little crooked smile and softly laid back down.

When I returned to the room, I saw that Milo was now awake. The more vocal of my two sons saw me and jumped up on the bed, hopping all the way to the end screaming, “Mommy!” before jumping to the floor and wrapping himself around my legs. I ruffled his hair and picked him up, setting him carefully on my hip, “Hey Milo.” I grinned. “Hi mommy.” He breathed wrapping his arms tightly around my neck. I looked over at the bed to see Braden laying, with his head on Joe’s stomach, Joe’s tired eyes watching Milo and I, a genuine smile carved on his lips, one arm behind his head, propping himself up and the other, running a hand lazily through Braden’s hair.

By the time McKenna woke up, I could smell the coffee aroma drifting up the stairs. We all walked downstairs to see Denise making a platter of waffles. She turned and her jaw dropped and she smiled, coming to give us a hug, while the kids ran to the table yelling out “Morning MawMaw.” on their way. “What are you two doing here? I figured you two would be hiding out in that cabin for a week at least.” Joe pulled back, “Well, there isn’t much more damage to be done.” He said placing his hands on my stomach. “Joe!” We both scolded him. He shrugged, laughing, knowing he had said something to make us react that way and went to join the kids at the table. Denise laughed and pulled me into a hug, “How’re you?” she asked softly. I nodded, “I’m good, I got everything in order and some things figured out so, I’m good.” I assured her.

We all sat at the table, eating our waffles and catching up, each of the kids telling Joe and I the exciting ‘adventures’ they’ve had at MawMaw and PawPaw’s that we’ve missed out on. We were all laughing at Milo who was trying to tell us a turtle lived under his bed when we heard the front door slam shut. All of our talking and laughing came to an abrupt halt and our attention focused on the doorway that led in from the foyer. Nick appeared, his hair awkwardly lumped to one side, his curls loose and frizzed, anger burning in his eyes, his whole body tense. “Uncle Nicky!” McKenna squealed jumping from her chair. I grabbed her arm and pulled her to me, “Not now.” I whispered. Her brow furrowed and I saw Nick give her a weak smile.

Denise quickly stood, hurrying over to him, “Nick, what’s the matter.” She asked, her whole face giving away how anxious she was. He slumped into her arms, Joe and I exchanged worried glances back and forth. Then, I heard him mutter, “She’s not coming back.” There was a thump on the table beside them and I looked down to see Nick’s hand leaving the small blue Tiffany box on the edge of the table. My eyes widened and along with Joe’s jaw, my heart dropped.