Careless

In time it was supposed to be just him and I. He promised, day after day, year after year, "Soon, baby. Just you and me." But every time he promised this, something happened, whether it was a show, party, or recording. Something always happened. And every day we got a little older. By age twenty-five I was tired of life as a rockstar. It's everybody's dream for awhile but I hate all the fans groping you and getting in your face. I don't want the attention. The only attention I want, I never have time for. I wish for once he would just kiss me and tell me that he loves me without getting side-tracked when somebody comes in the room with a large amount of alcohol. I wish, only for once, he would he happy being with me and nobody and nothing else would matter.

"Zacky, babe, check it," Brian bellowed at me, walking onto the bus with an armful of Jack Daniels. I sighed and took the four bottles away from him, putting them in the mini-refrigerator. He looked at me funny, but was too drunk to notice why I was upset. He collapsed onto the couch, grabbing my hand as I tried to make my way my bunk.

"What do you want?" I snapped. I was growing tired of Brian Haner Jr.

He looked sad for a moment, but let go of my hand and waved me off. I almost felt guilty for doing this to him, but then I realized, I had nothing to feel guilty about. He hurt my feelings almost every day.

I made my way to the back of the tour bus to my bunk in the very back. I really didn't care for this setup. When the guys brought random girls on the bus, I had to see it. It's bad enough having to see the whores naked but to see my best friends fucking them is even worse. However, Brian wanted the bunk in the very back and since I loved him, and it wasn't supposed to be for long, I went along with the idea. But what wasn't supposed to be very long ended up being a lot longer than I'd expected.

Johnny was about the only one that knew how I felt about Brian's lack of commitment. I wished Brian would pick up on it, but he wasn't very intuitive about others emotions.

I sighed heavily and reached for my guitar. I played for a moment, not well, but angrily. If I'd never learned guitar, if I'd only never learned, I'd be at home right now, and I could have probably convinced Brian to stay with me. Every time I ask about settling down, his excuse is, "Well we're together every day of our lives, baby. And we don't have the genetic capability to have children, so I think we're doing pretty well."

Curse you, Brian Elwin Haner Jr.

"Zack, what're you doing?" I looked up at Johnny, whose face wore a sad smile.

"Nothing."

"Interesting sound you had there. Everything okay?" He sat on the bunk next to me and I sighed. Everything wasn't okay, but I didn't want to trouble him.

"Yeah, everything's fine. Thanks though."

He sighed heavily and shook his head, "You can't lie to me, Zacks. I'm not Brian."

"I don't know. I just want out, you know. I love you guys and all. I'm just tired of the media and how it keeps Brian's attention all the time."

"You feel the media is taking away your time with Brian is what you're trying to say?"

"I guess, yeah."

Johnny nodded, "I understand. He loves you, but he's too stupid to realize when something's wrong so you gotta tell him, Zack. He's not a softy like me." He smile a little and I laughed.

"Thanks man. I should probably wait until he's got over his hangover though, so his brain can actually process what I'm saying."

Johnny laughed and agreed, making his way out of the bunk area. I looked over at my alarm clock, which read two in the morning. Matt and Jimmy weren't even back yet. Apparentally Brian got too wasted to stand anymore, so Johnny had to drag him home. That's usually how it happened, though. Matt and Jimmy hold their alcohol a tad better than Brian usually does.

-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-

I woke up, Brian at my side, which made me smile a little bit. It'd been awhile since he'd found the courtesy to accompany me while I sleep, even though he's well aware it takes me hours to get to sleep if he's not with me. I nipped at his ear a little bit, but he was out cold. I sighed and looked for something to do without getting out of bed. I reached for my phone and read any old text messages my love sent me that made me smile. The most recent one had been sent four months prior when he was at a bar, drunk, and sent me the message, "i wbnt in us pbnts". I closed my phone, a little disgusted with Brian's carelessness, but couldn't help but smile at him when I saw his sleeping face. Something about a sleeping Brian was relaxing. I knew that with Brian by my side everything would be okay. I didn't have to worry about overly obsessed fan girls, burglars, or anything of the sort. Brian would kill anyone that even tried to come near me. What made I wondered was that if he would kill someone that even got near me, why can't he commit to me enough to settle down?

"Brian, wake up."

He didn't budge.

I bit on the spot on his neck only I knew, and his eyes shot open, "What? Dude. Zack. I was sleeping."

"I'm not your dude, I'm your boyfriend. And we need to talk."

He sighed and sat up, "This isn't good."

"Brian, how many years has it been since we've been engaged?"

Brian shrugged.

I sighed almost angrily, "It's been three years exactly as of tomorrow. You proposed to me May fourteenth of 2005."

"What're you saying?"

I sighed again, "When are we actually going to get married? Usually after people get engaged they run off and start planning their wedding but not us! We go on a fucking tour across the entire United States, forget all about it, and two years after that, here we stand!"

"Baby, we will get married, I promise you, it's just hard with --"

"No excuses, Brian. You've been giving me excused since we first started dating. That was eight years ago."

He pulled me close and kissed my forehead, nose, and then lips. I smiled a little because he usually didn't do things like that.

"This summer. We're not recording. We're not touring. We'll get married."

I frowned, "But it won't be like we're really married. We'll still do recording and touring after --"

He pressed his fingers to my lips and kissed them once again, "No more recording. No more touring. We finish up our fifth album, and then you and I are out. If they want to continue on, they'll have to find new guitarists. They're my best friends, but you're my love. You come first. Always."

I blushed. He had never said anything like that to me before, not even before we started touring as much as we do now and everything.

I guess I could say Brian Elwin Haner Jr. was careless, but then I would be a liar. Brian Elwin Haner Jr. is the most caring person on the face of this earth, and I will never let him go.