The Falling Man

After they met in the hospital, Gerard and Katrina were practically inseparable.

We had stood in the hospital waiting room for a good hour and a half trying to pry her off of him when she was finally discharged. It was as if she thought she’d never see him again, even after he promised she could call him as soon as she got home, and even after he promised that he’d take her to the Bronx Zoo. Five times.

Gerard was going to be a sucker at this father thing.

But, he did keep his promises. And every Sunday for at least a month, he and Katrina would get on the Subway and head to the zoo. Katrina would come home with a new stuffed animal every time too, and her mouth would be coated in some sugary goo, varying from cotton candy residue to ice pops to Kool-Aid.

“You’re going to spoil her, you know,” I said as I picked up the four-foot tall stuffed giraffe he had bought her and placed it next to the rest of the small army Gerard was forming in my daughter’s bedroom.

He laughed, “There’s no way anyone could ever spoil her, she’s way too sweet.”

“Speaking of sweets,” I switched the phone from one ear to the other, “You can’t be giving her as much candy as you do. She’s going to get cavities.”

“She’s not going to get-”

“Gerard Way, I do not want to have our daughter’s teeth filled with metal!”

“They don’t use metal anymore, they use this porcelain filler,” he explained all so knowingly, “Besides, it’s just her baby teeth anyways. They’re gonna fall out sooner or later.”

I groaned, heading into the living room and sitting on the couch next to Katrina. She was watching Looney Tunes, her eyes were glued to the television.

“I don’t want to deal with her complaining about toothaches, Gerard. And then, when we take her to the dentist, what do you think they’re going to tell us? That she’ll need fillings!”

“I’ll take care of them, then.”

I raised my eyebrows, “You’re going to pay? You have less money than I do, Gerard.”

This was true. Gerard had student loans he was still paying off every month, along with electrical bills and rent for his job, which had little to no income. He was lucky his parents weren’t charging him rent to live in their basement again.

“If she needs something, then I’ll find a way to pay for it. Don’t worry.”

I sighed, knowing I would anyways.

“So, do you have any plans for tomorrow?”

I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me, “Katrina has a hair appointment around one, and then she’s having a play date with one of our neighbors, so you can’t really do anything with her tomorrow.”

Yes, Katrina was finally given the opportunity to make friends.

We had been outside, Katrina was trying to use a hula hoop Gerard had gotten her, and one of the neighbors’ boys had been outside, drawing on the sidewalk with sidewalk chalk. His name was Evan, and even though he was a few years older than Katrina, he immediately took to her. Gerard already had his hands full; our daughter was a hot young thing.

“I wasn’t talking about Katrina,” he said, a tinge of annoyance in his voice, “I was talking about you.”

That caught me completely off guard.

Ever since the hospital, Gerard had been a bit distant from me, and frankly, I didn’t really mind. I wanted us to have just a basic friendly relationship, both of us being unattached to each other except for our daughter. But he always gave me these looks. The ones that always read ‘I-still-love-you-and-would-do-anything-for-you’.

I wonder if my eyes read the same, because deep down I feared that’s how I felt too.

“Why does it matter what I do during my day?” I asked, trying to not sound bitchy.

“Because, I’ve seen a lot of our daughter, but not a whole lot of you. It would be nice to hang out again.”

“Hang out? Gerard, I’m a twenty-three year old mother. How much ‘hanging out’ do you actually think I do?”

“Not enough. Twenty-three is not in the least old, Ana. You need a night off, a little dinner maybe…”

Dinner? And night? With Gerard? This was sounding less and less like ‘hanging out’ and more like dating. I hadn’t dated anyone since… well, Gerard. Four years ago. I was more than I bit rusty.

“I don’t know…”

“Come on,” he insisted, “I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. I’ve even got this great babysitter for you. Katrina will absolutely love him.”

“Him?” My mind was now racing with all the pedophiles that Gerard could’ve found in the newspaper, doubling as ‘babysitters’.

“Chill, Ana, chill. It’s just Mikey. Believe me, he’s really good with kids. Kat’ll love him. Plus, she hasn’t really gotten a chance to meet her uncle yet.”

Mikey was a great guy, probably the only guy I’d trust to watch her…

Wait, wait, wait. I can’t go on a date with Gerard. There too many things could complicate our relationship. What if we had a falling out again? Then what? Would Katrina not have her father again?

I couldn’t do that to her.

“I just want to see you. Just some dinner, we can just talk a little. Maybe, if you feel up to it, we can go to this bakery…”

His voice was so soft and gentle, and I felt myself being lulled into this peaceful state.

And it suddenly struck me how much I missed him too. His smile, his endless eyes, his cautious touch.

And I found myself saying the words I hoped with all my being I wouldn’t regret.

“What time?”