The Falling Man

I don’t think I had been more nervous in my entire life.

When I had gone to pick up Katrina from Evan’s house, his mother created polite conversation with me, and asked me how Gerard was doing, whom she saw coming in and out of our apartment with Katrina every so often. And, I truthfully told her that we were going to dinner that night, for the first time in a while. She gave me a ‘That’s-adorable-I’m-glad-you’re-still-young-and-able-to-enjoy-life’ smile, then asked me where we were going.

And then it dawned to me that I had no idea what so ever where we were going, let alone what I should wear to our get together. So, I just lifted Katrina up, holding her like she was a rag doll, and thanked Mrs. Houlis as I rushed out of their apartment and across the street to create havoc in my bedroom.

“Mommy, I wanted to play with Evan more!” Katrina wailed in my ear, and I winced.

“He can come over here next time, baby,” I said, trying to calm her down as I mentally sifted through my closet, trying to think of anything I could wear that would be remotely decent.

“But-”

“Don’t you want to show him all your stuffed animals, Kat?”

She crossed her arms over her chest in a huff, “My name is not Kat.”

This startled me a bit, but only for a split second, “What on earth am I gonna call you then?”

“Katmandu.”

“What?” I gasped louder than I had intended to, “Where on earth did you hear that name?”

She grinned at me, sucking some of the gummy candy that was in between her teeth, “Daddy calls me that. And Evan does too, now.”

I rubbed my face, “Your name is Katrina. Katmandu is a city, not your name. I will call you Katrina, and you are going to respond like a big girl, right?”

Her eyes were downcast, and she sat Indian-style on the couch, playing with her shoes and still pouting, “Yes.”

“Alright,” I clapped my hands together, wondering if I should start off dinner with Gerard by wringing his little neck, “I’m going to go get ready now, so what would you like to do?”

“What’re you gettin’ ready for?” Whatever had been previously occupying her on her shoes was now not in the least as interesting as what I had to do.

“I’m going to dinner with Daddy.”

She then made a face of disgust, shocked that I was even thinking of leaving her, “What about me?”

She was so cute sometimes.

“Uncle Mikey’s gonna come over. And he’s bringing pizza and movies.”

This caused her to grin broadly, “Movies?”

I nodded, “I think Shrek and Shrek II.”

She gasped with excitement, “Shrek II?”

I smiled down at her, ruffling her already messy hair. I think I felt some dead leaves in it too. Maybe I should give her a bath before they get here.

I glanced at the clock, it read six o’clock, and they were going to be here at seven. There would be no time for child grooming, sadly. And I wanted her to be clean for Mikey.

“I’m gonna go get ready now, but I want you to wash your face, and brush your hair, and change into your pajamas now so Uncle Mikey just has to put you to bed when it’s time.”

She nodded, obediently hopping off the couch and heading toward her bedroom.

I let out a sigh of relief that that was taken care of, and hurried into my bedroom, throwing the closet doors open, and pushing through the racks of clothes, looking for that dress.

The green one with the V-neck, that was flattering on my curves. I plucked it out of the closest throwing it on the bed before stripping myself of all clothing and slipping into my bathrobe, and then the bathroom.

I almost felt like I was stressing too much about this dinner thing with Gerard. But I wanted it to go well, I wanted to end up in his arms by the end of the night, but was that moving too fast?

We had moved too fast before. And all we did after was crash and burn.

I dried off my hair, then blew it dry, running my fingers through it to keep it’s natural wave.

The last time Gerard and I went out together was four long years ago. We sat in Central Park, and he had given me a camera.

‘You said that only an artist can make a photograph worth while. Show me how.’

He pushed the camera into my hands, a Hasselblad H3D-39, and I stared in awe at what was once mine.

I asked him where he had found it, he said it didn’t matter.

‘Just photograph something beautiful for me.’

And I did, he walked around with me as I took pictures of the children beneath the trees, the Alice in Wonderland Statue, and an older couple walking across one of the bridges.

Then, I beckoned him to come near me. He obliged, wrapping his arms protectively around my waist, and onto my tummy, unknowingly rubbing the spot that held his daughter at the time. A woman with almond eyes asked if we wanted a picture together, seeing me struggle to get both of us in the frame. Gerard nodded, taking the camera from my hands and giving it to her, and she took the picture that rested on Katrina’s nightstand.

It was the last time we saw each other.

The doorbell rang as I was finishing up my eye make-up, which actually hadn’t taken me too long. Only a few coats of mascara and some eye shadow, and I was done.

I heard the door creak open and Katrina squeal with delight, and as I stepped out of the bathroom fully dressed, I watched Mikey carry her up the stairs. She was clinging onto his neck like a monkey, with Gerard not too far behind, holding a box of pizza and a few DVDs on top.

“Mommy, look!” She called to me, adjusting herself so she was now on Mikey’s back, and Mikey looked more relieved to not have her tearing at the skin that attached his neck to his shoulders.

“I see,” I said, smirking with a hand on my hip, “You’ve got a new swing set. I told Daddy to not buy you any more gifts,” I walked over to her and Mikey, “But he just has this desire to spoil you rotten.”

And with that, I plucked her from his back, and held her close as I tickled her. She writhed and squirmed in my arms, trying to break from the sensation as she shrilly giggled.

“It’s-it’s uncle-” she tried to get out between gasps, but I just threw her down on the couch and grinned at her.

“Do you have something to say?”

“I do not spoil her,” Gerard said from behind me, a fake-annoyed expression playing on his face. He was trying not to smile, “You just don’t give her enough.”

“Ha. Fourteen hours of labor wasn’t enough?” I arched an eyebrow, returning the smug look.

“What’s labor?” Katrina butted in, and turned Gerard’s expression right into one of fear.

“It’s hard work,” Mikey said quickly, pulling her onto his lap and wrapping his arms around her, “Can I keep her forever?”

I shook my head, trying to keep myself from laughing and looking away from the two of them.

That’s when I realized Gerard was staring at me. Not a lustful stare, or even one of awe. It was just merely blank, his eyes grazing over the movement of the fabric, making their way slowly up to my face. His eyes looked in mine, almost blank. Unreadable.

It made me uneasy.

Something had changed about him, and I hadn’t noticed it until now.

“Nah,” Gerard tucked his hands into his jacket pockets, “I’d miss her too much.”

He walked closer to me, leaning against the stair rail.

“How late do you think you guys are gonna be out?” Mikey asked, resting his chin on top of Katrina’s head.

I looked over to Gerard and he merely shrugged, “We’ll give you a call.”

He nodded, “So are you leaving or what?”

“Yeah!” Katrina added, receiving a playful glare from Gerard, then hiding beneath Mikey’s arms.

I just laughed, “Be good for Mikey, honey.”

She nodded, opening up the pizza box, and I turned Mikey, “Bed time’s at nine thirty.”

He saluted me, and grabbed a slice for himself as Katrina knelt in front of the TV, setting up the DVD player.

“You ready?” I felt Gerard’s warm whisper on my ear, unexpected and familiar.

I nodded, and felt his fingers interlock with mine as he led me down the stairs.

All I could do was push the butterflies that were bursting within me aside and hope for the best that night.