I Wish I Were Like Ryan Ross.

Every girl has an idol. The thing is that an idol doesn't always bring good things to look up for.

Ryan Ross: baby face, cute, amazing, smart, worst of all He's skinny.
My one obsession...How skinny he is.

I had an obsession of how a perfect body should be like. These first started when I was in fifth grade, when I first saw Christina Aguilera, I was in shock. She was exactly what I wanted to be, she was pretty, talented, she had the perfect body. I started to wear her clothing style, I begged my mom to let me dye my hair, even started taking singing lessons, I wanted to be just like her, and I had become just like her.

For a long period of time I was happy. My mind was telling me I was who I wanted to be, but the media told me otherwise.

I looked all around me, all those girls on T.V, magazines, they're all so skinny. why couldn't I be like that? Then i saw Ryan Ross. How can i guy be that skinny, without gaining any weight, even after they have eaten a whole buffet? I wanted to be just like him! Not gain any weight even after I had eaten a piece of chocolate cake. But there was no way for me to be able to do that. So I decided I would eat less, and skip a meal or two.

what harm could it cause?

At first nothing happened or changed, I was still the same me. This whole thing wasn't that I was fat, I just didn't look like the models on T.V or magazines. All those models I saw were so skinny and everybody idolized them, teenagers looked up to them, even me. They looked so happy with the life they had, and I wanted that.

I was the kind of girl that related her feeling to music. Music was what kept me alive through all seventeen years of my life. That was one of the reasons I fell in love with Ryan Ross. Ryan created music and lyrics, like no other musician could ever write. Those deep words and hidden meanings he put in those lyrics of his, and music beats so unique and original. He was truly one of a kind. He was thinner than any of the models I had seen on TV, I wanted to be as skinny at him.

Time went on, slowly by slowly I saw changes, not big ones but little ones I could notice. My face was becoming less round, jeans would fit looser. When I went to parties, I would want to eat some chips, but I would retrain myself from eating them. I knew if I ate things like that, I was never going to be like Ryan, I had to keep my goal at top of my mind, and achieve it. Think about it every time I would want to eat.

I trained my body to eat two small meals a day, nothing more. I started to loose weight, but I wanted to loose more, and more. I took the decision to cut out a meal and just have one small one. I noticed things started to get bad, I couldn't eat nothing more than what I had told my body to. Then it progressively got worse. I would try to eat, but my body treated food as if it was poison and just rejected it. I would go to the bathroom. The place I spent most of my time in. I saw how fast I was loosing weight, and to be honest it made me jump of joy. I was becoming just as skinny as Ryan Ross.

I walked around school, nobody noticing what was really going on with me. I was like a ghost floating through the halls of school. I was invincible, nobody really cared for who I was, and that made me happy. Nobody was going to stop me, they didn't know me well enough, to know how i thought. Now I wished somebody had.

As the year passed, I wasn't in control any more, it had taken over me. The sad part was I was letting it win, I wasn't doing anything to stop it, part of me wanted it to win. Finally my mom noticed. She started to notice I wouldn't eat dinner. She noticed how pale and weak i had become. How unusual it was that I was still loosing weight even after two years. But she didn't do anything about it, she didn't try to help me, she didn't try to save me.

The tragic day arrived, the day I wished had arrived earlier. The day I met Ryan Ross.

He was everything I had expected him to be. He was sweet, caring, full of happiness. He cared about his fans, he wasn't like other musicians who only cared about the fame. He astonished me. His talents, how deep he impacted me with every word he said to me. I told him about my problem. He was the first and last person I told. I trusted him. He became serious, he blamed himself, for what was happening to me. But it wasn't his fault, I made this choice on my own. He told me something that kept replaying in my head.

"Look at yourself in the mirror, is this who you really want to be?"
"Did you make the right choice?"
"But most of all Do you love yourself?"

I did exactly what he told me. I saw my reflection staring back at me. This wasn't who I wanted to be. I realized that too late. I started to fight back the disease with the strength I had left. I started eating more, But my body was used to getting it out of my body. I couldn't fight back. The enemy had won battle.

I didn't meant to tell God I had quit. It was the best solution I could think of. If I had lost battle, why not end it by war. I know I hurt a lot of people by doing what I did. But most of all I hurt myself.

I looked down looking at my mom cry over my dead body, blaming herself for what happened. If only she knew I tried to fight it, I tried to make it better, I tried to be myself again. If only she knew she had the chance to help me.

I hope she knows, I don't blame her for not saving me.