Beg to Say You Love Me

I peered over the top of the hardback novel that I was reading and secretly glanced at the man sitting in the other recliner chair across from me. I watched as his dull, grey eyes followed the characters displayed on the television.

I allowed a cough to escape my mouth; a fake cough but it sounded quite convincing - at least to me.

He didn't seem to notice, just like for the past few months. It was almost as though the love in our marriage had vanished into thin air one day.

He ceased to touch me the way he used to when we were young. He rarely spoke to me, let alone, so much as even allowing a glance come in my direction but if his eyes ever even meet my face, they were dull and lifeless.

Oh, how I longed to hear him even repeat those three simple words to me again.

Did I do something wrong along the way?

I observed him as he laid his cheek against his fist, letting his light brown hair to fall into his eyes. The light emitting from the television illuminated what was visible of his grey eyes. His posture slumped into his recliner seat, fooling you into thinking that he was asleep from afar.

"So Troy," I cleared my throat, "How was your day?" I waited for a response but none ever came. I sighed to myself and closed my novel, sliding down on the couch into a fetal position. I fixated my stare on the television in front of us and allowed another hopeless dream to take over me.

It was the best source of happiness I had to hold on to. All I've ever wanted was all in a dream; a happy dream where everything went the way it was supposed to.

I've always dreamt back to the days when Troy still held me closely as I slept - back to the days when we were still able to show how much we loved each other. Well, I still do but I doubt he feels the same way anymore.

I still remembered back to the days where we didn't care about walking down the streets and to other places, holding hands as though the stares of others never existed.

But of course, those were just dreams and memories of the past. What are the chances of being able to re-live them again?

Sighing one last time, I closed my eyes shut.

Just another speechless night.

The next afternoon, after waking up and taking a nice shower, I threw on some pants, a plain white tee-shirt, and black zip-up hoodie with the outline of ribcages on the front. I sloppily tied my Chucks together and headed towards the front door when a voice stopped me.

"Derrick?" the voice called out from the kitchen. My heart fluttered with hope at the thought of him addressing my name. Maybe today would be the day?

"Yes?" I quietly answered, walking into the kitchen to see Troy sitting at our small table with a bowl of breakfast cereal sitting in front of him.

"Are you going out?" He looked directly into my eyes - something that he hasn't done in months and for once, I saw a hint of emotions in them.

I nodded. "I'm just gonna go wonder around."

He nodded. "Be back by seven alright?" A weak smile formed across his face and I nodded, confused.

Heading back towards the front door, I felt my heart sink back down into it's previous position: way down in the bottom of my chest. I was disappointed that he had nothing important to say, well, at least not something that I wanted to hear. But why did he want me back by seven?

He had never cared before; it had never mattered to him. Maybe it's something bad? Or maybe...

Maybe it's just about time that I talk to him - a real talk. Maybe it's time that I questioned him upfront about his behavior. Maybe I should just beg him for a reason why he hates me.

Beg him to tell me that he still loves me.

By the time I got back at seven like Troy had instructed, nighttime had already fallen dark. The house was pitch black except for a little light that seemed to glow in one part of the house; most likely, the television was on.

Again.

Sighing, I walked up the driveway and unlocked the door. Shutting the door behind me, I struggled to remove my shoes from my feet in the darkness. There was shuffling in the living room after I had accidentally made a commotion; something that I wasn't used to hearing when I enter the house.

"Derrick?" I heard a soft voice call out to me.

"T-Troy?" I hastily whispered as I felt a pair of arms softly snake around my waist; they held me close and tightly.

"Shh," he whispered in my ear. "Just follow me." I nodded in the dark and followed him eagerly as he led me by the waist with one arm, to the living room. My heart fluttered at the scene before me.

My assumption of the television being on earlier, were beyond incorrect. I thought it would be our normal nighttime routine.

The living room lamp shined dimly as random scented candles were lit around the room. The couch seemed to be nicely decorated with a blanket and several pillows. Another blanket was laid in the middle of the floor with two sets of plate on them.

My eyes teared up as I gave him a sideway glance, to see him looking back at my with a real smile. "Let's sit down," he suggested and took me by the hand, guiding us over to the couch.

We sat down and I looked around in awe. I began to wonder if this was all a dream; maybe in reality right at the moment, I was sleeping on the couch alone, smiling to myself and longing for his touch. But the warmth of his touch brought me back to reality.

I wasn't dreaming; this is all real.

"Are you alright?" He held both of my hands in his, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Uh y-yeah," I stuttered, trying to gather up the courage to look directly at him.

He chuckled. "You kinda left me for a moment there," he joked.

How ironic.

I laughed along lightly. He took in a deep breath. "Look, D-Derrick, I'm sorry about the way I've acted for the past few months. I've never meant to hurt you like this." His hand caressed my cheek as I struggled to not let the tears fall. "I-I don't really know what was going on with me - but I hope you can forgive me," he paused and got up. My eyes followed his shadow as his figure moved around to behind the couch.

He returned back to his previous position on the couch next to me with an object hidden behind his back. I watched as he sat down, his eyes glowing with excitement. I smiled widely as he grinned.

"Please forgive me," he repeated himself again and revealed the object behind his back.

It was an old, stuffed teddy bear - named Hermie - that I had received so long ago when I was young, given to me by my mother before she passed away and left me with my father. I cherished it with my life until one day, Troy lost his temper and destroyed the poor bear to pieces...

I was devastated.

"I'm sorry for that one day for I lost it all and took it out on Hermie..." He smiled smally and slowly handed him over to me.

I chuckled. "I was wondering where he was."

"I tried to fix him together the best that I could; sorry if it isn't his best condition." He looked down in embarrassment.

I grabbed his hand and gave him a warm smile. "It doesn't matter. As long as you took the time to fix him up for me; I appreciate that."

"But it's not enough." He sighed. "Not after all that I have put you through. Hell, even though I don't show it much often, I'm grateful that you're still by my side until this very night."

"But why were you like that?" I questioned. "Was it me? Was it something that I did?" My voice began to grow louder with each and every word until he silenced me.

"Der, it's not you; I can guarantee you that. I can never be mad at you or anything," he paused and pulled me close. Burying his head into my neck, I heard him sniffle. "I love you."