Shine a Light
Mike's confession
“Can I help you?” I asked through a smirk as Mike sat up straight upon my entrance.
“How the hell did you get in my room?”
“I’m a famous bass player in a famous rock band that happens to be idolized by the guy on reception. Plus I told him I left something in your room and you were in a meeting.”
“Plausible” I smiled taking off my coat and sitting in the chair opposite the blonde punk in front of me. “So what do you want?”
“I need…I need to talk to you Vera” He began, avoiding my gaze and stroking a hand through his spiked hair.
“About what?” I asked not liking where this was going.
“About your relationship with Billie Joe”
I shifted in my seat not saying a word, and yet hanging on to every one of his.
“I promised I wouldn’t say anything but…well…he hasn’t been entirely honest with you and you seem like a nice enough girl and…”
“Mike” I began, “If this is about the whole book thing I already know…”
“No Vera its not”
I frowned at him, “What?”
Mike sighed, brushing a hand over the stubble growing on his chin, looking like he deeply regretted saying anything.
“You ever noticed how he fiddles with his hands a lot? Like when he’s around you? And well I’ve certainly been a bit cool towards you and him?”
I nodded, completely confused, leaning forward as if the closer I got to him the more I would be able to understand.
“Well, Oh Christ I really don’t know how to say this…”
“Mike just say it.” I sighed.
“Well…oh shit, well, Billie isn’t exactly un-attached at the minute.”
I froze at his words, suddenly feeling how warm it was in this room.
“What do you mean by that?” I croaked, barely able to register that I had even moved my mouth to speak.
Mike picked up my hand that suddenly began to tremble and looked deep into my face, I suddenly felt like he was a doctor telling me that I had about two weeks to live from some dreaded disease. You could tell that Mike was a father, he had that patient father tone to his voice I suddenly wondered if I had misjudged him when I first met him.
“Vera, Billie is married.”
I blinked at Mike like he had literally just signed my death warrant, I couldn’t move, not sure if I heard him correctly, Billie was what?
“What?”
Mike swallowed and tightened his hand around my own,
“Billie is married, with two sons; he’s been married for over 15 years.”
I sat staring blankly at the wall behind him. The first thing I felt was sickness, overwhelming sickness, I felt like my intestines where rising up through my throat, blood rushed to my ears and I felt hot pricks of tears forming behind my eyes. It was like a kid being told that their favourite dog just got squashed by his dad’s Ford Mustang. Or a woman had just been told that her pregnancy was a false alarm despite years of trying, it was like someone had just told me that a person I loved had lied to me yet again, like some one had told me that the person I love was not mine.
“Vera?” Mike whispered leaning in closer to me and before I knew it I had collapsed into his arms, sobbing in his shoulder, for the first time in my life, my heart had been truly broken and god dam it hurt.
The feeling of tiny cuts, slices and carvings of flesh removed from her skin, the irritable pain, the constant ache, oh god the heart was glass and it could really shatter into a tiny thousand pieces. The terrifying thought of some of those tiny crystals being lost for good and her heart, oh bless her wounded heart, it would never be whole again.
Mike had been in my room with me a while, he sat watching me frantically scribble down on paper as I sniffled as my hand brushed across my damp face. I’ve never had such a shitty feeling before, I felt useless, used, and insignificant, I felt like I would vomit.
“Vera…”
“I want to see him, I need to ask him myself” I spat, turning around and dropping the pen from my fingers. Mike watched it fall and thud quietly on the lush carpet beneath our feet.
“So what? You think I’m lying?” Mike asked standing up in confrontational mode.
“I don’t know Mike, like you said you never actually warmed to me…”
“Because I blamed you, I hated you but I realized it wasn’t you it was him, you didn’t know that’s why I came here, to tell you, I had to tell you it was driving me insane…”
I turned to Mike,
“I still have to hear it from his mouth” I whispered my throat horse as I reached for my room key and headed for the door.
“Vera…wait”
I ignored him, sprinting up the corridor to the elevator and cursed under my breath as it seemed to take forever. I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard, the evil demon in my head began to cackle, ‘as if your dreams were going to come true, ha that’s a laugh, there had to be SOMETHING’.
I hated myself for ignoring that little guy, I hated Marcus for making believe that Billie was Mr. Perfect and now, oh god now I hated Billie more than ever, he had lied to me…twice.
I saw red as the elevator opened, the other random woman in there looked at me oddly. She backed away from my entrance probably seeing how seething I was, I’m not surprised, you could probably see the steam rise from my ears.
I stomped my foot as the elevator rose, bursting to scream and punch something, kick something take aggression out on something. Preferably, right at this minute, Billie Joe Armstrong.
The woman got out continuing to give me odd looks as she left for her floor.
“Tit” I spat as the elevator rose one more floor and stopped.
I dashed from the bloody thing as fast as I could, my feet echoing thunders down the corridor. Stopping at the room of the studio I crashed my fist against the wood twice.
“Bout time Mike…” I heard, it was Tre’s voice and as he opened the door I pushed past the startled drummer and glanced around the studio, not taking in what Tre was saying to me or even registering that Rob, Jason and two other guys where present. I turned right and saw him standing behind the glass window, headphones on and singing into the microphone in front of him.
I marched towards the door and shoved it open ignoring the red, ‘recording’ light and the yells of the other people present in the room.
The very sight of Billie made me want to vomit, and the way he looked at me as I burst threw the room made me want to break down and drown in my own tears. He immediately knew something was up.
“Err… hey” he croaked, removing the headphones and discarding them on the floor, glancing a weary look at the others behind the other side of the glass.
The light went off and I shut the door behind me.
I stayed silent, staring at him with an unpredictable emotion.
I felt those tears pinch at my eyes again and I inhaled desperate to hold them back.
“I…I had a visit from Mike” I began, noticing how he stared at me, unsure where this was leading to.
“Oh”
“Yeah…So, I had to hear it myself.”
“What?” He asked his eyes going dark; he knew EXACTLY what I was talking about, the fucker.
“That you have a wife and two kids”
The words stabbed my heart with a hot iron, burning its tender skin with un-removable letters, a constant reminder of my foolishness.
I stared at him, unable to even blink as I watched him react. He looked at the floor and sighed…fucking sighed.
Then I felt it, the snap, I suddenly became exhausted, over-fired, completely wasted.
He looked back up at me, his eyes almost black, a sorrowful look of mercy on his face.
My legs buckled and I crashed forwards, fisting pathetically trying to hurt him, make him feel the same pain as me,
“You Mother fucking Asshole!” I screamed through my sobs as he grabbed my flicking wrists and I collapsed onto my knees sobbing into my hands skidding across the floor away from him as he tried to crawl near me.
“No, don’t…don’t touch me, don’t…”
“Vera please” he croaked as I stood up, bustling away from him, back firmly against the wall and tears now streaming down my face.
“It, It’s not a marriage, we are breaking up anyway and…”
“YOU LIED TO ME! AGAIN!” I wailed, watching him stand back up.
“Vera”
“No, I don’t…I have no fucking clue who you are…”
“VERA!” He yelled as I opened the door in a rush of tears and sprinted through the six or so guys in the studio and out onto the corridor, Billie following me and yelling.
I turned to yell at him back, to tell him to fuck off in the most appropriate way I could. But looking back and seeing Tre and Rob hanging from the door as Billie ran after me I accidentally collided into Mike, panting and shocked we landed on the floor and I suddenly felt a force pulling me backwards…Billie. Holding my arms by my sides and shaking me like a naughty little child he looked into my eyes, his own pupils venomous and pleading.
“Vera, it’s not like that I mean…”
“You have Kids!” I yelled, pulling myself free form his grasp.
“I never, ever, want to see or hear from you again” I whispered, walking away from him, turning around one last time to see Mike pulling him back, Billie Joe, the guy I almost had, almost loved, almost loved me too.
“How the hell did you get in my room?”
“I’m a famous bass player in a famous rock band that happens to be idolized by the guy on reception. Plus I told him I left something in your room and you were in a meeting.”
“Plausible” I smiled taking off my coat and sitting in the chair opposite the blonde punk in front of me. “So what do you want?”
“I need…I need to talk to you Vera” He began, avoiding my gaze and stroking a hand through his spiked hair.
“About what?” I asked not liking where this was going.
“About your relationship with Billie Joe”
I shifted in my seat not saying a word, and yet hanging on to every one of his.
“I promised I wouldn’t say anything but…well…he hasn’t been entirely honest with you and you seem like a nice enough girl and…”
“Mike” I began, “If this is about the whole book thing I already know…”
“No Vera its not”
I frowned at him, “What?”
Mike sighed, brushing a hand over the stubble growing on his chin, looking like he deeply regretted saying anything.
“You ever noticed how he fiddles with his hands a lot? Like when he’s around you? And well I’ve certainly been a bit cool towards you and him?”
I nodded, completely confused, leaning forward as if the closer I got to him the more I would be able to understand.
“Well, Oh Christ I really don’t know how to say this…”
“Mike just say it.” I sighed.
“Well…oh shit, well, Billie isn’t exactly un-attached at the minute.”
I froze at his words, suddenly feeling how warm it was in this room.
“What do you mean by that?” I croaked, barely able to register that I had even moved my mouth to speak.
Mike picked up my hand that suddenly began to tremble and looked deep into my face, I suddenly felt like he was a doctor telling me that I had about two weeks to live from some dreaded disease. You could tell that Mike was a father, he had that patient father tone to his voice I suddenly wondered if I had misjudged him when I first met him.
“Vera, Billie is married.”
I blinked at Mike like he had literally just signed my death warrant, I couldn’t move, not sure if I heard him correctly, Billie was what?
“What?”
Mike swallowed and tightened his hand around my own,
“Billie is married, with two sons; he’s been married for over 15 years.”
I sat staring blankly at the wall behind him. The first thing I felt was sickness, overwhelming sickness, I felt like my intestines where rising up through my throat, blood rushed to my ears and I felt hot pricks of tears forming behind my eyes. It was like a kid being told that their favourite dog just got squashed by his dad’s Ford Mustang. Or a woman had just been told that her pregnancy was a false alarm despite years of trying, it was like someone had just told me that a person I loved had lied to me yet again, like some one had told me that the person I love was not mine.
“Vera?” Mike whispered leaning in closer to me and before I knew it I had collapsed into his arms, sobbing in his shoulder, for the first time in my life, my heart had been truly broken and god dam it hurt.
The feeling of tiny cuts, slices and carvings of flesh removed from her skin, the irritable pain, the constant ache, oh god the heart was glass and it could really shatter into a tiny thousand pieces. The terrifying thought of some of those tiny crystals being lost for good and her heart, oh bless her wounded heart, it would never be whole again.
Mike had been in my room with me a while, he sat watching me frantically scribble down on paper as I sniffled as my hand brushed across my damp face. I’ve never had such a shitty feeling before, I felt useless, used, and insignificant, I felt like I would vomit.
“Vera…”
“I want to see him, I need to ask him myself” I spat, turning around and dropping the pen from my fingers. Mike watched it fall and thud quietly on the lush carpet beneath our feet.
“So what? You think I’m lying?” Mike asked standing up in confrontational mode.
“I don’t know Mike, like you said you never actually warmed to me…”
“Because I blamed you, I hated you but I realized it wasn’t you it was him, you didn’t know that’s why I came here, to tell you, I had to tell you it was driving me insane…”
I turned to Mike,
“I still have to hear it from his mouth” I whispered my throat horse as I reached for my room key and headed for the door.
“Vera…wait”
I ignored him, sprinting up the corridor to the elevator and cursed under my breath as it seemed to take forever. I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard, the evil demon in my head began to cackle, ‘as if your dreams were going to come true, ha that’s a laugh, there had to be SOMETHING’.
I hated myself for ignoring that little guy, I hated Marcus for making believe that Billie was Mr. Perfect and now, oh god now I hated Billie more than ever, he had lied to me…twice.
I saw red as the elevator opened, the other random woman in there looked at me oddly. She backed away from my entrance probably seeing how seething I was, I’m not surprised, you could probably see the steam rise from my ears.
I stomped my foot as the elevator rose, bursting to scream and punch something, kick something take aggression out on something. Preferably, right at this minute, Billie Joe Armstrong.
The woman got out continuing to give me odd looks as she left for her floor.
“Tit” I spat as the elevator rose one more floor and stopped.
I dashed from the bloody thing as fast as I could, my feet echoing thunders down the corridor. Stopping at the room of the studio I crashed my fist against the wood twice.
“Bout time Mike…” I heard, it was Tre’s voice and as he opened the door I pushed past the startled drummer and glanced around the studio, not taking in what Tre was saying to me or even registering that Rob, Jason and two other guys where present. I turned right and saw him standing behind the glass window, headphones on and singing into the microphone in front of him.
I marched towards the door and shoved it open ignoring the red, ‘recording’ light and the yells of the other people present in the room.
The very sight of Billie made me want to vomit, and the way he looked at me as I burst threw the room made me want to break down and drown in my own tears. He immediately knew something was up.
“Err… hey” he croaked, removing the headphones and discarding them on the floor, glancing a weary look at the others behind the other side of the glass.
The light went off and I shut the door behind me.
I stayed silent, staring at him with an unpredictable emotion.
I felt those tears pinch at my eyes again and I inhaled desperate to hold them back.
“I…I had a visit from Mike” I began, noticing how he stared at me, unsure where this was leading to.
“Oh”
“Yeah…So, I had to hear it myself.”
“What?” He asked his eyes going dark; he knew EXACTLY what I was talking about, the fucker.
“That you have a wife and two kids”
The words stabbed my heart with a hot iron, burning its tender skin with un-removable letters, a constant reminder of my foolishness.
I stared at him, unable to even blink as I watched him react. He looked at the floor and sighed…fucking sighed.
Then I felt it, the snap, I suddenly became exhausted, over-fired, completely wasted.
He looked back up at me, his eyes almost black, a sorrowful look of mercy on his face.
My legs buckled and I crashed forwards, fisting pathetically trying to hurt him, make him feel the same pain as me,
“You Mother fucking Asshole!” I screamed through my sobs as he grabbed my flicking wrists and I collapsed onto my knees sobbing into my hands skidding across the floor away from him as he tried to crawl near me.
“No, don’t…don’t touch me, don’t…”
“Vera please” he croaked as I stood up, bustling away from him, back firmly against the wall and tears now streaming down my face.
“It, It’s not a marriage, we are breaking up anyway and…”
“YOU LIED TO ME! AGAIN!” I wailed, watching him stand back up.
“Vera”
“No, I don’t…I have no fucking clue who you are…”
“VERA!” He yelled as I opened the door in a rush of tears and sprinted through the six or so guys in the studio and out onto the corridor, Billie following me and yelling.
I turned to yell at him back, to tell him to fuck off in the most appropriate way I could. But looking back and seeing Tre and Rob hanging from the door as Billie ran after me I accidentally collided into Mike, panting and shocked we landed on the floor and I suddenly felt a force pulling me backwards…Billie. Holding my arms by my sides and shaking me like a naughty little child he looked into my eyes, his own pupils venomous and pleading.
“Vera, it’s not like that I mean…”
“You have Kids!” I yelled, pulling myself free form his grasp.
“I never, ever, want to see or hear from you again” I whispered, walking away from him, turning around one last time to see Mike pulling him back, Billie Joe, the guy I almost had, almost loved, almost loved me too.