Shine a Light

I’m young and free but I feel old and tired chained to myself and the belief that love is just a chemical reaction in your brain. It’s a drug, an addictive drug that I will never be enticed by again, a caving in of self esteem, a monster set loose in my veins that produces nothing but a shattering hurt, a deep tragedy, a tiny hole in your heart that can never be filled.

“Fuck me Vera, this is deep stuff this” Marcus gasped down the phone as he had just finished reading the copy of my new book. It had been 7 months since I had come home and written it. And regretfully, I had to thank Billie Joe because everyone seemed to agree that this was my best book so far. I stayed true to my word; I hadn’t seen him since I left the hotel.
“Thanks Marcus” I sighed.
“So you excited about your book tour then?”
“Yeah, great” I sighed, it’s great having a best selling book but I hated the book tours, I just wasn’t good with people.
“Well you would have had ten times more publicity if you’d have let me run that story...”
“WE are not going there” I snapped. When Marcus had found out about Billie Joe being married he had wanted to run a tabloid article on our ‘relationship.’ Naturally I put my foot down, I wanted to get Billie back but I wasn’t a complete bitch to sell a story like that.

Green Day had their own success however; Billie did not need extra publicity. It seemed like they were everywhere all of a sudden and no matter what I did I couldn’t shake them or Billie Joe off. Marcus had bought their new album having still kept in touch with Tre and sent me a fax of some lyrics that he thought referenced me, he had been trying desperately for me to get in touch with Billie.

Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

We could talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny
I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on

It seemed Billie could also cash in on shitty emotions too.
“Okay, we won’t go there, but can we go back to me?”
I giggled at Marcus, “Okay” I sighed crashing backwards on my bed.
“I’m, ahem, getting married to Chris”
“WHAT?” I sat up. Chris had been dating Marcus for about four months; they met at some gay club and hit it off straight away.
“Yeah, he’s the one” Marcus giggled.
“When?”
“Err were thinking next month? What do ya think? Excited?”
“Very, if you’re sure and everything.”
“Defo sure. Oops Ver I gotta go, boss is ringing, I’ll see you soon. Good luck with the signing tomorrow.”
“Cheers” I sighed putting the phone down.

“Goddamn Shirley was pissed off at me you know” Ed was rabbiting on at me about his wife in the back of a black BMW, he had decided to accompany me because he knew how much I hated these things.
“Well Ed I’m not surprised I mean you did forget your anniversary.”
“I was in Long Island! Why do women gang up together?” He sighed rubbing his head as we came to a stop outside the huge bookstore in Camedon. I ignored his comment as we went into the store, he settled me behind the table and I began the long, hard and scary task of signing all these people’s books.
I had been there an hour and I was fully ready to leave, having been ushered into a back room of the store to sneak out. I didn’t expect all this to be so crazy. I sat down as Ed gabbled on at me about something or another before leaving me alone to talk to Shirley on the phone.
I collapsed on the desk after supping at the bottle of water next to me, wrist aching from signing my name over and over and in desperate need for a drink.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
“Err, Miss Brown, there’s someone here who would like an autographed copy of your book” A very red faced worker at the bookstore whispered around the corner of the door.
“I’m sorry but I’ve finished” I sighed wishing Ed would come back.
“I know that Miss Brown but this guy is err…quite important”
I sighed,
“Unless he’s Johnny Depp love I think I’ll pass”
She grinned at me and her head disappeared for a few moments.
I sighed again, not caring how bitchy that seemed, I’d had enough fake smiles and idle chit chat for one day.
“Fuck this!”
I heard a voice yell and sighed, Ed was such a loser sometimes.
I lay my head into the crook of my arm and closed my eyes. Upon hearing the door open, assuming it was Ed I sighed as I felt a prod on my arm.
“I’d like my book signed please”
The thick American accent that just entered my ears made my eyes snap open, FUCK