Shine a Light

Finally at 4 o’clock on this, may I remind you dear reader, “quiet night out” we began to walk back down the street to hail a cab. After breaking a few glasses, chairs and in Frank’s case, a few hearts, Gerard had to stay and apologise to the owner of the pub in his sober state. I, being intoxicated but capable of speech beyond that of grunts, was made to stay with him as he smiled sweetly at the chubby guy in a chequered shirt.
“Don’t worry abou’ it mate” he croaked in a thick cockney accent.
“I can get more business now by putting up a few of dem pictures we took ov ya. Whose to go on aba’ a few chairs when I had you guys in ere’.”
Gerard and I both grinned and walked off down the road following the group of drunken rockers in front of us.
“Well he took it alright…I think, I’m not quite sure what he said”
I chuckled, “I’m sure he was more than happy that you guys were in there”
“Yeah, and you”
I cringed, “That’s not true I’m sure. Who cares about some washed up writer when you have not one but TWO amazing bands in your pub”
Gerard sighed, “You’re quite negative aren’t you?”
“You only just noticed that?”
His lips cracked into a smile, “No, but I’ve only just decided to say it.”
We walked silently for a while, my heels clacking on the uneven pavement.
“So what’s going on between you and BJ?”
My stomach churned, if I was going to be sick, it would come up as butter, the extent at which my sides were contracting made me stop mid step. I hated Gerard for asking me that, what on earth was he playing at.
“Why do you want to know?” I asked, continuing my shaky steps
“Because the tension is enormous and I’m curious”
“You are also a poet without knowing it” I smirked. He looked at me seriously for a second.
“Really though, what’s the deal?”
“The deal is that I like him lots, I probably love him, actually…I do, but he’s married”
Gerard didn’t say anything for a good few minutes until he turned to me.
“Jesus. I didn’t expect you to outright say it”
“Yeah well I’m getting fed up with it rolling around in my head” I snapped. Silence. Again.
“I’m a fool aren’t I?” I stopped and watched the guys escalate around the corner, chanting something ridiculous.
I suddenly felt the prick of tears behind my eyelids and the rush of falling salty water trickling across my face. Why was I crying? I was so stupid, everything had happened so fast today, emotionally I was drained, I blame the gin.
I felt an arm slink around my shoulder,
“Vera, it’s okay”
I swallowed, a great lump of stupidity in my throat, why am I crying now in front of Gerard? He’s probably freaking out, I’ve only known him for about 10 hours. Great, I’m such a gay.
“Why am I even crying? I feel so utterly stupid, I bet you want to punch me and tell me to grow up don’t you?”
“No” Gerard smiled pulling me closer to him,
“Then you must want to dump this weird ass emotional tit and run as far away as possible. Or wish you were drunk...”
“Vera…”
“What?”
“Shut up.”
I giggled through my tears, “I’m sorry Gerard, I have no idea why I have suddenly started crying.”
“I do dear; it’s a mixture of alcohol, a broken heart and a silly Jersey guy asking too many questions”
I sniffled into my hand as Gerard brought both arms around me in a hug. He smelled of cigarettes and spice, I inhaled his scent as I sniffed my tears away. Wishing that I could rewind time and maybe not walk into that arena and just run off home to down a bottle of red, I pulled away from Gerard and he smiled at me softly.
“Look Vera, I have been in shitty relationships, I know exactly how you are feeling…here”
He pulled out a pen and a scrap of paper and scribbled a number on its crinkled edge,
“If you ever, ever feel the need to ring me then please do. K? Anytime, I don’t mind.”
I smiled and took the note from his hand, “I don’t think your fans would be too happy if you got a phone call in the middle of I’m not Okay”
“How appropriate though” Gerard laughed.
“Vera! Gee! Come on guys! We have cabs!”
Looking up we saw Billie waving us over.
Giving a final sniff I smiled once more at Gerard as we trotted over to the gang. Half of them in one taxi and an empty one waiting.
Billie flung his arm around my shoulders as I turned to say goodbye to the rest of the guys.
Waving at them in the taxi was a bit pointless as Tre, Frank and Ray were all passed out. Finally I turned to Gerard and pulled away from Billie, rather reluctantly, and gave him a huge hug.
“Thanks Gerard” I whispered.
“No probs Vera, remember…anytime”
I giggled and turned to Billie who rolled on his heels and blinked widely at me.
“Your place or my hotel room?”
“How about an alcoholic’s anonymous meeting?”
Billie frowned at me drunkenly, “NO!”
I laughed and bundled him into the taxi, he collapsed on my shoulder as I told the guy my address.
“Sound love, is he okay?”
“Yeah, just a bit too much to drink.” I smiled stroking a few wisps of black hair behind his delicate ear.
“Yeah just make sure he isn’t sick”
I nodded at the driver, not bothering to give him a vocal answer. His name was Gregory Moon and I wondered whether he was married or not. Marriage. Was it really that important?
Then again I have never been married, nor really cherished the sacrament. Maybe I just didn’t understand, I wasn’t going into Anne Boleyn mode and demanding Billie to get a divorce, mainly because I was scared of him wondering if he had made the wrong decision later on in our relationship and I’d end up with my head on a pike like Anne.
Arriving at my house I paid the cab driver and thanked him for being quite sharp in arriving here, he probably just didn’t want Billie being sick in the back of his cab…neither did I quite frankly.
So carrying 160 pounds of pure drunken punk up to my front door was no easy feat. I shakily placed him on the cold floor which shot a freeze current through his ass and made him grunt.
“Oh I’m sorry do you have to sit on the floor for a second while I just open my door?”
I snapped sarcastically, I may as well have been shouting at a corpse. Maybe he got in this state just to avoid the conversation we had planned to have. Bastard, wish I’d have thought of it first.
“VeraIloveyou”
I looked down at him, his eyes staring up at me like a puppy on the brink of being flung in a bag and drowned.
“Oh awake now are we?” I asked, ignoring his drunken ramblings.
He nodded like an alabaster retard, lips smacked together in a small smile.
“Get up dickhead and I’ll fetch you some water.”
Billie scuffled upwards from the stone and leant against the door frame. He steadied himself for a few minutes before following me into the house and slamming the door.
“Billie shush it’s like half four in the morning”
“Oops, soz” he giggled collapsing on to my kitchen table and grabbing the glass of water I had placed in front of him. I shook my head and sat opposite him.
“Nice house” he gurgled.
“You can’t even see straight”
“So” he smirked, “I can imagine can’t I?”
I smirked at him, “Ready for bed then?”
Billie’s forehead shit up from the table, “Is that an offer?”
“Well you’re in no state to talk…or do anything else for that matter.”
“Billie always rises to attention.”
“That’s a joke” I snorted as he downed the rest of his water, looking rather horrified. He waited a couple of minutes before saying anything.
“You and err, Gerard were getting on well…”
“Yeah we were” I smiled at him, “He’s a nice guy”
Billie nodded in agreement, “he is…good lay”
I raised my eyebrow at him, “Is there anybody you haven’t fucked?”
“Come on” he giggled, “bedtime”
“Billie…”
I whined not moving from my spot.
“What?”
“I wanted to talk.”
“Can’t we talk in the morning?” My shoulders slumped and he shot an agonising grin in my direction.
“Please V, we can’t have a decent conversation now”
I shrugged at him, supposing he was talking more sense than I was, “Okay, okay, just…promise we will later then?”
“I promise”
He leant in and kissed me tenderly on the lips before hauling me up the stairs.