Shine a Light
Four flowers
We gotta make a decision. We leave tonight or live and die in this way.
I’d sat on that bench for over an hour. Indecisive as usual, incapable of making choices for myself, something that seemed to only emerge in me when Billie was present. Sighing I decided to go back home. My feet skimmed along the pavement, my head bent and focusing on the cracks in the cement beneath my feet. I wondered what I would do now? Would I ever get over this? Could I move on? Impossible. How could I ever find anyone who could match up to Billie Joe? I’ll find myself either spending the rest of my days at my local, sobbing over a pint and smoking 3 packs of cigs a day. Or I’ll meet some guy and he’ll suffer in so many ways…Billie used to do this, Billie would wear that Billie would never say that…Cursed, that’s my life now, cursed in a shadow of a Billie.
Crossing over the empty road to my street my heart literally stopped. And as soon as my feet touched the pavement, they did too. There, sitting on the top stone step to my front door was Billie, his head resting on his elbow that was propped up on his knee. Somewhere some angel had smiled at me, and right now it was him. Sitting on the step smile plastered on his lips. I blinked harshly, wondering if my eyes were deceiving me. But his shape didn’t falter when I re-opened my eyes. His shoulders shook in a silent giggle as my feet found some force and began taking me closer to him.
The closer I got I noticed his eye, it was rimmed with black, not his usual thin line of kohl, no. Thick purple bruising.
“What happened?” my mouth dropped as he stood up at my approach.
“Oh yeah, well…If you let me in I’ll explain” He grinned looking down at his feet, an arm bent behind his back.
I frowned at him, “Where did you…”
I didn’t finish, his lips attacked my own, forcefully kissing me, sending me slamming back into my front door. The keys in my hand fell to the floor, only to be replaced with tufts of his hair that I curled between my fingers, welcoming his tongue into my mouth. Oh and that tang, that sweet tang of Billie Joe sent shivers through my own body and I moaned.
“Wait” I gasped pushing him away, desperate to open the door so we wouldn’t get arrested for indecent behaviour on the street.
Bending down to pick up the keys that lay abandoned beneath my feet I lifted my head to see Billie’s hand clutching four flowers that he forcefully pushed into my face.
I grinned and took hold of them, “Not enough sterling for a bouquet?”
He cocked a grin, “No smartarse, I didn’t want to be called cheesy by just getting you one rose; so me and the flower lady had a small conversation. The little white one is a fresha, and they represent regret. Regret that I haven’t pulled myself together sooner. The big purple one is a violet and they represent forgiveness, because that’s what I want from you and the rose, as you know, represents eternal love while this one…”
He paused touching its petal, “Is an orchid and that represents hope and purity, because I hope Vera, I hope that me and you can be together forever…”
He fixed his eyes on me and I felt my legs wobble as I gripped the flowers in my palm, staring at them like they held the answer to all my prayers.
I blinked at him again, his eyes still fixed on mine with a shadow of hope.
I turned and opened the door, pulling him in behind me and shutting it. I defy any woman that could deny him after that. I leant in and kissed him on the cheek, he closed his eyelashes tenderly as my lips left his face and he smiled slowly at me, like he understood my simple gesture.
“Who punched you?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen and put my flowers in water.
“Ah, okay…” He began propping himself on the kitchen counter and watching me.
“Well, I left…”
“Yes I realized” I shot in as his lip curled in a cringe.
“Okay I know you are angry but I HAD to get out, I had to tell her…”
I stared at him. “I…I went to the airport because Adi had landed”
I frowned and he held up his hands, “Just let me finish…
“Okay so I went to the airport and then we went to my hotel room and I told her. I said that I had met someone else and I wanted a divorce and…I get this” He smiled pointing to his eye.
“Which is probably what I deserve; she packs up and leaves, she said that as far as she was concerned our marriage ended years ago and she couldn’t care less.” His eyes became darker, stony, almost black as they glanced at the far wall of the kitchen. “So she got on the first plane home and said when I get back to the US she’ll have moved out.”
I stared at him, not quite believing that this was happening.
“What?” I spat unable to contain my emotions.
“I know…” Billie smiled sadly, “I’ve been putting it off for years and it’s all happened at once, I think both of us were just looking for an excuse.”
We sat in silence until I couldn’t take it anymore. “Billie what are you going to do now? You haven’t thought this through have you…what about your kids? The tour?”
“Well…we have one show left tomorrow night. The kids, Adi gets them when I’m working and then when I’m not, I’ll get them.”
I stared at him, maybe he had thought this out all along, and I didn’t quite believe him when he said he had thought things over for seven months. But apparently he had.
For wanting everything to turn out perfect I didn’t feel as overjoyed as I did for some reason.
“I feel guilty” I spat, it came out like word vomit, I did feel guilty, that poor woman, finding out everything at once…
“Why?”
“Well, your marriage, ended…just like that and…”
“It was ending over a period of a good four years Vera, trust me.”
I stared at the floor. It was going to be said, why couldn’t I just keep my fucking mouth shut?
“What if we end just like that?”
Billie’s head jolted up like I had just blackened his other eye,
“What?” He spat.
“What if we don’t work out?” I was expecting him to fume, actually start yelling at me but he walked over to me slowly and pulled me against his chest.
“Vera, look, I can’ tell you that I’ll never let you down or disappoint you but, oh god Vera, I promise that I love you and no one can ever love you as much as I do now or ever. I promise you, I love you.”
I sighed against his chest, a tear falling from my eye, everything was perfect. So why the hell aren’t I happy?
I’d sat on that bench for over an hour. Indecisive as usual, incapable of making choices for myself, something that seemed to only emerge in me when Billie was present. Sighing I decided to go back home. My feet skimmed along the pavement, my head bent and focusing on the cracks in the cement beneath my feet. I wondered what I would do now? Would I ever get over this? Could I move on? Impossible. How could I ever find anyone who could match up to Billie Joe? I’ll find myself either spending the rest of my days at my local, sobbing over a pint and smoking 3 packs of cigs a day. Or I’ll meet some guy and he’ll suffer in so many ways…Billie used to do this, Billie would wear that Billie would never say that…Cursed, that’s my life now, cursed in a shadow of a Billie.
Crossing over the empty road to my street my heart literally stopped. And as soon as my feet touched the pavement, they did too. There, sitting on the top stone step to my front door was Billie, his head resting on his elbow that was propped up on his knee. Somewhere some angel had smiled at me, and right now it was him. Sitting on the step smile plastered on his lips. I blinked harshly, wondering if my eyes were deceiving me. But his shape didn’t falter when I re-opened my eyes. His shoulders shook in a silent giggle as my feet found some force and began taking me closer to him.
The closer I got I noticed his eye, it was rimmed with black, not his usual thin line of kohl, no. Thick purple bruising.
“What happened?” my mouth dropped as he stood up at my approach.
“Oh yeah, well…If you let me in I’ll explain” He grinned looking down at his feet, an arm bent behind his back.
I frowned at him, “Where did you…”
I didn’t finish, his lips attacked my own, forcefully kissing me, sending me slamming back into my front door. The keys in my hand fell to the floor, only to be replaced with tufts of his hair that I curled between my fingers, welcoming his tongue into my mouth. Oh and that tang, that sweet tang of Billie Joe sent shivers through my own body and I moaned.
“Wait” I gasped pushing him away, desperate to open the door so we wouldn’t get arrested for indecent behaviour on the street.
Bending down to pick up the keys that lay abandoned beneath my feet I lifted my head to see Billie’s hand clutching four flowers that he forcefully pushed into my face.
I grinned and took hold of them, “Not enough sterling for a bouquet?”
He cocked a grin, “No smartarse, I didn’t want to be called cheesy by just getting you one rose; so me and the flower lady had a small conversation. The little white one is a fresha, and they represent regret. Regret that I haven’t pulled myself together sooner. The big purple one is a violet and they represent forgiveness, because that’s what I want from you and the rose, as you know, represents eternal love while this one…”
He paused touching its petal, “Is an orchid and that represents hope and purity, because I hope Vera, I hope that me and you can be together forever…”
He fixed his eyes on me and I felt my legs wobble as I gripped the flowers in my palm, staring at them like they held the answer to all my prayers.
I blinked at him again, his eyes still fixed on mine with a shadow of hope.
I turned and opened the door, pulling him in behind me and shutting it. I defy any woman that could deny him after that. I leant in and kissed him on the cheek, he closed his eyelashes tenderly as my lips left his face and he smiled slowly at me, like he understood my simple gesture.
“Who punched you?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen and put my flowers in water.
“Ah, okay…” He began propping himself on the kitchen counter and watching me.
“Well, I left…”
“Yes I realized” I shot in as his lip curled in a cringe.
“Okay I know you are angry but I HAD to get out, I had to tell her…”
I stared at him. “I…I went to the airport because Adi had landed”
I frowned and he held up his hands, “Just let me finish…
“Okay so I went to the airport and then we went to my hotel room and I told her. I said that I had met someone else and I wanted a divorce and…I get this” He smiled pointing to his eye.
“Which is probably what I deserve; she packs up and leaves, she said that as far as she was concerned our marriage ended years ago and she couldn’t care less.” His eyes became darker, stony, almost black as they glanced at the far wall of the kitchen. “So she got on the first plane home and said when I get back to the US she’ll have moved out.”
I stared at him, not quite believing that this was happening.
“What?” I spat unable to contain my emotions.
“I know…” Billie smiled sadly, “I’ve been putting it off for years and it’s all happened at once, I think both of us were just looking for an excuse.”
We sat in silence until I couldn’t take it anymore. “Billie what are you going to do now? You haven’t thought this through have you…what about your kids? The tour?”
“Well…we have one show left tomorrow night. The kids, Adi gets them when I’m working and then when I’m not, I’ll get them.”
I stared at him, maybe he had thought this out all along, and I didn’t quite believe him when he said he had thought things over for seven months. But apparently he had.
For wanting everything to turn out perfect I didn’t feel as overjoyed as I did for some reason.
“I feel guilty” I spat, it came out like word vomit, I did feel guilty, that poor woman, finding out everything at once…
“Why?”
“Well, your marriage, ended…just like that and…”
“It was ending over a period of a good four years Vera, trust me.”
I stared at the floor. It was going to be said, why couldn’t I just keep my fucking mouth shut?
“What if we end just like that?”
Billie’s head jolted up like I had just blackened his other eye,
“What?” He spat.
“What if we don’t work out?” I was expecting him to fume, actually start yelling at me but he walked over to me slowly and pulled me against his chest.
“Vera, look, I can’ tell you that I’ll never let you down or disappoint you but, oh god Vera, I promise that I love you and no one can ever love you as much as I do now or ever. I promise you, I love you.”
I sighed against his chest, a tear falling from my eye, everything was perfect. So why the hell aren’t I happy?