Shine a Light

The Loner

To the terror of the lone lake
Yet that terror was not fright,
But a tremulous delight-
A feeling not the jewelled mine
Could teach or bribe me to define-
Nor Love- although the Love were thine.
Death was in that poisonous wave,
And in its gulf a fitting grave
For him who thence could solace bring
To his lone imagining-
Whose solitary soul could make
An Eden of that dim lake.
I sat staring at the poem in my collection of Edgar Allen Poe; I tried to get my head around why I wasn’t overjoyed. I sat in bed, lying next to a naked Billie who had been asleep for a good few hours while I sat in a mixture of comatose madness and distress. Everything was perfect was it not? I was here with the man I loved; he was mine, why was I not writing all kinds of love sonnets from the end of my pen? Instead I sat here reading poems about solitude and terror and craving it.
Reaching for the phone I dialled…Marcus.
“Hello?” He answered, groggily and I withheld a giggle.
“Hey Marcus, did I wake you?”
“What do you think?” he snorted as I laughed.
“Can I talk to you?” I said quietly.

After about an hour of me explaining everything Marcus sighed down the phone.
“Snap out of it Vera. Do you know what you’re problem is?”
“What”
“You’re scared of being happy.”
“No I’m not”
Marcus screeched down the line, “You’re such a liar. I know you too well, any money you’re lying next to him twirling your hair through your fingers and flicking through some morbid poetry.”
“Am not” I snapped shutting the book and sliding it under the bed.
Marcus gasped again, “Vera, look, maybe then you just don’t believe him, I mean he has lied to you twice…”
“Yeah, maybe I need to ask her…”
“I wouldn’t suggest it. Oh hi, I’m Vera, the girl you’re ex husband is in love with I’m just ringing to ask if you are ACTUALLY separated.”
I withheld a giggle, “Okay not such a good idea.”
“To be honest V, you’re not exactly starting from zero either, I mean you’re not kids you know. You have to think about what this means, it means you’ll probably get married, you’ll be a step mother.”
I sighed again, “I know” Billie groaned in his sleep and I glanced down to watch him shift under the duvet.
“Vera look get over yourself, get some sleep and things will be better I promise. Are you bringing him as your date to my wedding?”
“Huh what?” I asked, finding myself getting lost in the man next to me like he was an oil painting.
“Is he naked?” Marcus asked
“Yes” I giggled.
“You lucky bastard” I giggled again as he sighed mid yawn.
“Anyway V I’m off to bed, I hope I’ve been some help.”
“You have thanks.”
“Ring me again and next time we can talk about ME”
“Oh because we never do that” I snarled down the phone as he laughed.
“Bye”
“Bye”
I popped the phone back in the holder and sighed. Marcus was right, Billie had messed me around a lot but God I loved him. I was scared I can admit that, everything changes now; I mean would I move to the US with him? I would have to be a step mother…But was I ready for this change? I mean I didn’t mind being by myself and I suppose I would have to do that a lot if Billie is on tour most of the time.
“V”
I turned to see him poking his head through the duvet, hair looking like a dead cat and eyes squinting as he peered at me.
“Yeah?” I asked shifting down the mattress to come on line with him.
“Can I have a hug?”
“Are you messing? How old are you three?”
He pouted as I chuckled and stroked his bruised eye. “I suppose so…” I sighed bringing him into my arms, smiling as he snuggled deep into me.
“I love you.” He sighed through a muffled mouth.
“I love you too Billie. Thank you for going through that today.” Billie didn’t say anything but squeezed me tighter against him.
My panic had started to settle, but was this just the calm after the storm?

Gerard’s POV

My heart sank. Mike had just come running onto the tour bus and proclaimed that Billie and Adi were no longer married. He looked at me with a fixed stare after proclaiming the news, it’s as if it were a challenge, a warning to let Vera go now and not think about it. Okay, that’s easier enough for someone to say but when you’re not supposed to want someone why is it that you want them more? So Billie came through for her, yes he fucked around and no one could really understand what he was doing or what he would do next but I truly thought he would leave Vera. Maybe he really did love her.
“Gerard, oi! Your hand mate”
I looked up at Phil, one of the roadies I was sitting next to and playing poker with.
“I’m out” I sighed throwing down my cards and jumping up from my seat.
“Going for a smoke”
I snapped, stalking past Mike who eyed me warily. I rolled my eyes and jumped from the top step of the bus, pulling out a cig and inhaling.
God I needed this.
“Gerard” I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Vera standing behind me.
“Hey” I smiled, quite surprised she was there.
“Mind if I bum a cig?” she asked. I momentarily blinked at her grin, my stomach turned as her lips spread across her face.
“Yeah sure” I gabbled, grabbing my packet and offering her a cancer stick.
“I should really give up” she sighed, Marlboro between her teeth as I lit the end of it.
“Yeah me too” I smiled back.
We stood in silence for a while, puffing away at our cigarettes…think of something Gerard, just say something. I turned to her; she was dancing on her toes from the cold air.
“So you and Billie okay then?”
She stopped moving and looked at me, great, nice one Gerard Way, just ask something totally inappropriate.
“Er, yeah thanks Gerard. Thanks for letting me spazz out on the phone to you.”
“No problem” I smiled, watching her eyes dart around my face.
“He gave me a fright that’s all; you probably think I’m such a loser”
“No don’t be stupid Vera…” I snorted flicking ash on the ground, “In fact I think quite the contrary…”
Oh now why did I say that? Why, why, why? I’m such a fucking moron. I looked up sheepishly through my hair to see her mouth drop and eyes wide staring at me.
“VERA!”
The moment was interrupted by Billie jogging over to us.
“Hey Gerard” he smiled, clamping an arm around her shoulder.
“Hey” I nodded back, thanking him for running over but also cursing him for ruining this moment.
“You alright?” he asked Vera who stomped out her cigarette on the floor looking rather stressed.
“Yeah, yeah” she coughed as he kissed her cheek. Great, nice one Armstrong, public display, tosser.
“I’m going back to join my poker game guys, speak to you later.” I spluttered running back onto the tour bus and looking like a deranged lunatic.