Shine a Light

I wouldn't be myself at all.

“I now pronounce you husband and husband”
We all stood up and clapped when Marcus’ lips met Chris’. Billie looked at me and grinned as the couple smiled and blushed at the packed hall that they had just become married in. Tre starting making ‘wooping’ noises and whistling, Billie leaned across and hissed at him to shut up. Then suddenly Gerard bounced up on his seat and stood clapping, Tre cackled and also stood on his seat clapping and wooping away. Billie shook his head at me and I started laughing as Joe and Jake clambered on their seats to clap. As Marcus and Chris left the hall down the makeshift aisle to thunderous applause, I understood when Marcus said he knew far too many people. I thought he was just being the big headed twat at first. But goddamn he knew FAR too many people; it was like Green Day were giving away free parts of Billie Joe. As people filed out of the rows to follow the happy couple Tre, Gerard, Joe and Jake were still clapping their asses off, on their chairs.
“Okay get down now!” Billie half yelled trying to keep a straight face.
I smirked as Tre and Gerard jumped from their pedestals, followed by Joe then…crash, Jake lost his balance and ended up on the floor. I immediately dived for the kid, he had bumped his head on the seat of the chair and I swooped him up in my arms as he cried.
Wow. I did have a maternal side after all.
“I’ll take him to the bathroom” I smiled at Billie who nodded at me rather proudly.
“Jake you okay? Are you dizzy?”
“No” he blubbered onto my shoulder. I whisked him out of the hall and looked for the sign for the toilets.
I heard Billie yelling as I scanned the room, “TRE! You are such a bad example!”
I withheld a chuckle, it was Gerard who had started the chair-climbing, but Billie couldn’t yell at Gerard, so Tre bore the brunt of his fury.
I headed in the direction of WC and burst through the ladies with Jake still half blubbering on my chest. He started giggling suddenly,
“What?” I asked popping him on the wash basin ledge.
“I’m in the ladies” he giggled. I smiled at him,
“You are just like your dad.”
Jake smiled back shyly as I peeled his hair from his forehead. It wasn’t a bad bump, but I couldn’t help thinking that Adi would accuse me of not looking after her children properly. Great.
I ran some wash cloth under the cold tap and pressed it to Jake’s head. “Just hold it there and it may go down. Your not dizzy are you?”
“Nope” he shook his head slowly.
“Good. No more climbing chairs for a while hey?”
He shook his head again.
Jake started swinging his legs and looking at his little posh shoes. I rapped my fingers on the sink, wondering what to say to him.
“Are you; are you and my dad…like just friends or what?” I froze at his words. His huge brown bambi eyes piercing mine so strongly.
“We are good friends…”
“I mean like girlfriend?”
I nodded at him, unable to find words to say to him. Looking down at his shoes again he sighed, “I knew you were, mom said that he read your books and stuff, I heard her talking on the phone. She said that she knew it would be you.”
I inhaled slowly, “I’m sorry Jake” I sighed back.
“Joe is better than me, at climbing chairs, at x-box, at being with mom and dad…”
“He’s older than you though Jake.”
The younger son shrugged, “I know. Can we go now Vera? My head feels better and I want some cake”
I chuckled removing the wet cloth from his forehead; the bump had gone down slightly.
“Okay, but if you feel dizzy you have to sit down okay? No matter what Tre says.”
Jake chuckled and dropped from the counter to his feet. “Thank you Vera” he whispered taking my hand and leading me from the ladies toilet.
The dining hall was full, but I spotted Tre, Billie, Gerard and Joe not too far away, thanks to Tre’s luminous bow tie. A girl and her friend were also sitting on our table.
Whisking Jake through the crowded tables I glanced at the head table. Marcus and Chris were chuckling into each others champagne. How sweet.
Billie waved at me when he saw me approach,
“Vera! Jake! You okay little man?”
“Yes thanks dad” Jake grinned sitting in his chair next to his brother and Tre.
I sat down next to Billie and a pretty girl with brown hair.
“Vera this is Ash”
Billie smiled at her.
“Hey nice to meet you” I grinned locking her hand in a shake.
“You too” she smiled back.
“CAN I HAVE YOU ATTENTION PLEASE?” We all turned to see Grey, Marcus’ cousin and best man start his speech.
“My little cousin has found someone that he loves…”
I turned to Billie who grinned at me as Grey began to talk. Tre fake yawned and Joe and Jake giggled into their empty cutlery. My eyes scanned over Gerard who gave me a small smile.
“Chris and Marcus!” The room echoed. I found myself lifting a champagne glass that I didn’t realise I had.
“Pink champagne, classy.” Billie mocked.
“I could have given a better speech than that.” Tre moaned downing his glass.
“Hey, hey! No drinking you too!” Billie snapped grabbing the glasses from his sons who looked severely disappointed. The girl next to Ash got up and left suddenly.
We all stared at her,
“Was it something we did?” Billie asked Ash.
“I have no idea. Apparently that is Chris’ friend, she is in love with him or something, she didn’t realize he was gay.”
Tre started laughing, “That’s hilarious, oh well, we’ll just have to eat and drink her share of the food.”
“Shouldn’t we go and see if she is okay?” I asked the girl next to me.
“Nah, I vote for Tre’s option.” She chuckled.
My eyes scanned to Gerard across the table, he was drinking. He didn’t normally drink; something was definitely up with him today.
Noise of chatter and cutlery erupted as food was served.
I turned to Ash next to me, “So what do you do?”
“I’m a writer” she beamed, “I know Marcus because we used to write for the same magazine a while back…”
“It’s tofu Jake, you won’t like it.” Billie cut across our conversation shouting at his sons.
“Let me try it!”
“You won’t like it and it will be a waste, pack it in the pair of you! Tre! Stop encouraging it.”
I rolled my eyes, “Sorry about this”
Ash chuckled as she sipped from her champagne glass, “Nah, it’s funny…I’ll let you in on a secret…” she looked around like we were being watched.
“When I found out that Green Day were coming to his wedding I asked Marcus to stick me on this table…I’m a big fan.”
I chuckled,
“…And imagine my amazement when I see Gerard Way sitting next to me too!”


We both turned to Billie, Tre, Jake, Joe and Gerard.
“Well it won’t get boring here” I whispered.

After everyone had finished eating, Joe and Jake had devoured enough ice cream to trigger a train wreck of a brain freeze, Tre had eaten so much steak he basically ate the cow, while Gerard was swaying in his seat from the amount of champagne he had consumed.
“Oh my” Ash giggled after Gerard let out an almighty burp.
“Jesus” I sighed sipping from my own champagne flute.
“I thought he was t-total”
I frowned at Ash’s words, “What?”
“Yeah, he had an alcohol and drug addiction” Ash whispered, “he isn’t supposed to drink…Oh my I know far too much as a fan”
I swatted my hand at her statement, “No, you, don’t but…What? What do you mean?”
“When MCR first started he just went off the rails, his grandmother had just died and…”
“It’s rude to whisper ladies” Billie smirked at the two of us.
“It’s rude to ear-wig” I smirked back.

“Please ladies and gentlemen, the couple are about to take their first dance…”
We all stood up and turned around to look at the dance floor, the lights had dimmed and Marcus and Chris were swaying mimetically to an old Elton John song.
Billie suddenly thrashed his arm across my shoulders as we watched them dance. People started filing on the floor now, our table just sat down.
“Hey can we have a look around?” Joe asked his dad politely.
“Yeah knock yourselves out, just don’t break anything or get injured” he shot at Jake who nodded.
The boys ran off.
“Hey Vera!” Tre shot across the table, “That girl in the pink, is that, is that a transvestite?”
I withheld a laugh and turned to see a pretty girl in pink chatting to a girl in a green dress.
“From here she looks all woman to me Tre” I chuckled.
“I’m off! Catch you guys later!” Tre yelled advancing on the poor girl.
Billie, Ash and I laughed as Tre bounded across the dance floor to the girl.
“Gerard!” I shouted across at the man who was staring into space, he hadn’t said one word since we got here.
He didn’t reply and I turned to Billie and Ash, “I’m going to see what’s up with him” I sighed sitting in Tre’s empty seat and leaving Billie and Ash to talk.

Gerard I whispered, leaning close to him.
He turned to me and blinked, “Vera” he whispered back, small smile perking on his lips.
“Gee are you okay?”
He nodded and picked up my hand that was resting in my lap.
“Today was the anniversary of my grandmother’s death.” He sighed squeezing my hand.
“I’m sorry Gerard” I smiled back at him, genuinely feeling guilty about my actions before.
“It’s okay V, you didn’t know. I’m just equally gutted that I broke my promise and started drinking again.”
“Just don’t have anymore, you’ll be fine, a relapse is okay.” I smiled as he chuckled.

“No way Billie!”
“Yeah I’d do Chris Cheney, who wouldn’t?”

We both looked up at Billie and Ash talking about what I assumed was bands. I turned back to Gerard who was smiling at me.
“Oh V, you know what? I know we kinda sorted it out but I do wish what it would have been like If I met you before Billie did.”
I shook my head at Gerard, “What makes you think I would fall for you Way?”
“Are you kidding I’m adorable.”
I chuckled, “She’s a nice girl” I smiled nodding at Ash and Billie who were currently waving their arms around and discussing The Clash.
“Yeah she is, I thinking of setting her up with Frank, she’s just his type”
I grinned and nodded, “What about you? Any drag queens/ transvestites you’re into tonight?”
Gerard laughed, “Nah, I may try pull Marcus later”
“I don’t think his husband will be happy”
“I’ll invite him too” Gerard chuckled. “Did you hear what Tre got them for their wedding present?”
“Nope” I shook my head, “Do I want to know?”
“It’s a dildo from Agent Provocateur called ‘The big Boy”
I burst out laughing, “What?”
“I know, it puts my present to shame, I bought them the gay man’s karma sutra.”
“Jesus, me and Billie got them an Oscar Wilde first edition and this crazy ass wine set.”
I laughed as Gerard smirked, “Tre puts us all to shame.”

“VERA!” I turned to see Marcus running over to me, Tre’s arms flung over his shoulder; Marcus was pissed as a fart.
“Vera!” He yelled again giggling. “You look stunning darling! Guess what? I’m fuckin married! Haha!”
I started laughing as he fell onto me.
“Well Hel-looo…this must be Gerard, hello dear I’m Marcus, thanks for coming.”
Marcus enveloped the shocked singer in a hug, before staggering upwards.
“ASH! OH! AND BILLIE JOE! THANKS FOR COMING” He yelled collapsing on them both in huge hugs.
“Pssst V” he yelled/whispered, “Can we talk?”
“Sure” I giggled waving at the three men and Ash as I was pulled out of the hall and into a room with a small closet.
“Marcus wha-?”
“I have weed? Fancy a joint with me? I want to get high.”
I giggled, “Marcus…”
“It’s my wedding, come on, get your lighter out.”
We both giggled in this closet, taking turns on the spliff Marcus had.
“You look really handsome you know”
“Thanks, I was so nervous, but it’s gone okay.”
“That’s good, Ash seems nice”
“Yeah she is, she asked to sit with you lot you know. I don’t blame her, Billie, Gerard and Tre look so fine”
“Billie looks the nicest of course…”

Suddenly there was a bang and the door to the room where the closet was situated was flung shut and two voices I recognized began yelling at each other.
Marcus and I both looked at each other; Marcus choked back his cough as he wheezed on the weed. I made a motion for us to get out of here but Marcus shook his head and pulled me back.
“Stay” he mouthed. I didn’t want to stay; it was like I was spying on them. Was this how Marcus got his stories?
“WHAT? You fuckin decide to grab me and pull me in here for no apparent reason? What is it? I know it’s your grandmother’s anniversary but you don’t have to be a prick about it.”
I stared at the floor, I didn’t want to listen to this but at the same time I really did.
“IT WAS YOU! You with that Ash girl…”
“We were talking for God’s sake…”
“You looked very close; she’s a nice kid who happens to be a fan…”
I felt Marcus squeeze my arm in a sympathetic way, I wish the ground could swallow me up, or the mop that was in here would come to life and go out there and smack them both.
“What’s it to you anyway Gerard? No one will talk to you if you’re a miserable bastard all the time.”
“I’m just concerned for Vera you know…”
“OH FUCK OFF! Mike told me you liked her, I thought you’d get over it but obviously your just some jealous…”
Silence erupted for a few seconds before Gerard continued…
“You have everything, success, great loyal friends, kids who love you, okay you got divorced but you found a girl who is so nice, kind and pretty…how did you do it? You had Adi but no that wasn’t good enough, I can’t help being jealous…”
“Gee man, I mean, I don’t want you to think I’m a prick, I love Vera I really do, I just wasn’t happy I’ve been through shit to be with her and…”
“I don’t hate you Bill, god, you’re my fucking hero, It’s just…I feel like I have this connection with her, you know. When she first came out with us she was crying to me about you…”

Marcus looked at me, mouth open, “You cried?” he mouthed. I smacked him hard in the chest, desperate to hear more.

“I know Gerard, but you know, there’s plenty of girls out there, I mean, we should get out there and have a laugh…still friends?”
“Friends” Gerard sighed.
They both left the room still talking, “I can’t believe I drank…”
“Yeah but if you drink in moderation it’s fine…”
The door slammed again and me and Marcus burst out of the closet.
“HOLY SHIT!” Marcus yelled, “That was the best fucking wedding present ever! Come on V…Lets get pissed an dance.”

I was emotionally paralyzed, what the fuck was that about?
I was being pulled back into the hall and Marcus was surrounded by family and friends, I just stood there, dazed, like it wasn’t really happening. Some cheesy Will Young song started to play and I realized I was on the dance floor staring as Tre and Ash passed me in a mocking waltz...

Sometimes you know you push me so hard
I don't know how I feel
You almost make me doubt I feel at all

Gerard brushed passed me and gently touched my arm. A spark flew up my elbow as he smiled at me…

I didn't want to do what everybody does
And hide the truth to find we never knew a thing about love
Cos this is real life, real love
And knowing what it comes down too
It just might be enough

It suddenly hit me that he had a girl with him, my immediate thought was ‘gosh that was quick’. Mind you he was Gerard Way, I turned to see Joe and Jake running around with some other kids. Looking up though, through the glowing lights, I saw him. Perched on the stage with hands casually in his pockets, his eyes met mine and I melted. Billie, my Billie, my heart leaped and it felt like I had just fallen in love with him that instant all over again. His bright green eyes shone across the room and met mine. And that grin, that amazing, grin emerged on his lips…

And who am I to tell you that I would never let you down
That no-one else could love you half as much as I do now
And who am I to tell you I'll always catch you when you fall
Well I, I wouldn't be myself at all
I wouldn't be myself at all, at all.

He waded through the crowd of couples, coming closer to me; his hands reached up and cupped my face. Hi slips meeting mine in a soft powerful kiss. Oh God, no one else could love him half as much as I do now, I loved him, he was mine, forever…I wasn’t letting him go, giving him up or going anywhere away from him.
“I love you” I whispered as he pulled me close to his body, gently swaying me.
“I love you too” he whispered back, kissing my ear, “God I love you too.”
And here…encased in his arms, hearing his heart beat pump through my body, feeling his skin against my own, threading his soft black hair through my fingers and looking into his mesmerizing eyes is where I shall stay. I’ll do anything, anything for him…

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle - Crystal Middlemas