Going Crazy Is Only Half of It

It has been the same exact routine everyday for months. Brendon has grown accustomed to it by now, maybe he’s even grown to take comfort in the monotony. He will wake up screaming in the early hours of the morning drenched with perspiration and tangled in his white sheets. He’ll look around the room waiting for comfort from Ryan, and he’ll be there, he will always be there, sitting on the edge of his bed holding his arms out for Brendon to break down in. Then the day will progress, he’ll go to therapy and answer the same questions with the same answers. He’ll do activities and will avoid contact and conversations with everyone else around him that isn’t Ryan.

The thing is though, is that he doesn’t even know why he’s there. He doesn’t know why he wakes up everyday with nightmares that just feel so real, or why he has to talk to a therapist, he doesn’t know why Jon and Spencer look at him with so much sympathy is their eyes it almost hurts every time they visit. But he also doesn’t care. He doesn’t care as long as Ryan is always with him, and he always will be.

“Tell me why you’re here Brendon,” The psychologist asks that first infamous question as she taps her pen on the desk. This room - it sort of reminds Brendon of his and Ryan’s apartment back in Vegas. Back in the real world. The desk and the carpet and all the colors. He tells Ryan this instead of answering the psychologist.

“Brendon, I know you want to talk to Ryan but you have to listen to me right now okay? Now I just want you to tell me why you think you’re here,” she asks again and this time Brendon thinks about it, he really does.

“I don’t know. I just don’t know. Jon or Spencer won’t tell me, not even Ryan will tell me and he’s with me all day!” Brendon says, turning to Ryan with frustration written all over his face.

Ryan just gives him a sympathetic looks and shrugs his shoulders.

It happens when Brendon turns his head to look back at the therapist. It’s exactly like one of his nightmares only this time, it must be real because he can feel the hard chair against his back and he can feel the air inside his lungs just breathing in, out, in, out. He wants to yell and tell her that the papers on her desk have caught fire. He wants to scream and stomp it out but he’s frozen, just watching the fire trail across the mahogany desk, closer to her. She doesn’t even flinch when the flames reach her hands and he just watches, horrified.

It spreads rapidly on her brand new Louis Vitton suit and ignites her hair. There’s so many thoughts running through Brendon’s head as he watches her burn. He wonders why she isn’t screaming but mostly he just knows he needs to get Ryan into safety, far away from the fire. He tries to move again, tries to loosen his jaw so his mouth can work properly, tries to tell Ryan to run because the flames are spreading, but the smoke is choking him, running down his throat and poisoning his lungs. She gasps and the fire erupts into flames and he can smell her flesh burning, he can hear her skin burn and fall to the floor, layer by layer.

The smell makes him gag and finally he hears her scream. It’s the most painful thing Brendon has ever heard in his life. It isn’t any kind of scream he has ever heard before. It’s raw agony and he can’t do anything but sit and watch as the smoke scorches his throat. He hears Ryan gasp and let out a cry. And no, just God no. Not Ryan, never Ryan.

“Brendon?” His therapist exclaims, and he wonders when she got to his side, alive and well and who extinguished the flames.

He doesn’t even realize that his face is streaming with tears until he seems them drip onto his pants.

“You screamed Brendon, what were you thinking about?” she asks soothingly. He just glances around the room frantically searching for Ryan.

“Ryan!” Brendon yells, and he so loud that it hurts his own ears but he just needs Ryan right now, right here next to him. Ryan promised he would be here holding Brendon’s hand through all of this. He promised. But he isn’t here and Brendon figures it’s because he screamed so goddamn loud.

“You can go for today Brendon,” she sighs. Brendon knows that he’s disappointing everyone by not getting better. But he just doesn’t know how. How can he get better if he doesn’t know what’s wrong? He feels fine like every other day excluding the nightmares.

He walks out of the room, hands shaking and his forehead damp with perspiration. He puts all thoughts aside and smiles almost instantly when he sees Ryan waiting in the hallway for him, tapping his toes against the linoleum because he never could stand still.

“I thought you left me!” Brendon cries, throwing his arms around Ryan’s neck and breathing in his scent.

“Never Bren,” Ryan whispers, slowly running his hands up and down the younger boys back.

“Good because I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re my life, my love, my everything, never leave me Ryan Ross,” Brendon’s whole body shakes violently because he feels a sense of déjà vu. He wants to breathe Ryan in and map out his body like he’s done so many times before. He wants to feel Ryan shiver underneath him, he wants to feel Ryan filling him up. He just wants to feel like they’re one person, one heart, one soul.

Something gnaws at the back of his mind, clawing and trying to find it’s way to the front. Trying to find it’s way to the tip of his tongue and out of his mouth. But he’s so confused, so disoriented and he knows, he can feel it that this just isn’t right.

___

Spencer and Jon visit like every other Wednesday and Brendon just picks at his bed sheets, waiting for visiting hours to be over. It’s not that he doesn’t like it when the two boys visit him, he loves Jon and Spencer like brothers, like best friends. There’s so much tension though, and they can all feel it spreading through the air and infecting their thoughts. It shouldn’t be awkward because they’ve been through everything together, they’ve even lived together half the time, but this, this is something different.

“How are you feeling Bren?” Jon asks and his voice is warm and friendly just like Brendon remembers but he‘s just so fucking sick of that question. There’s something more than he recalls in Jon’s voice today though, there’s a hint of sadness and it’s also written into his features.

He kind of wants to cry but then he feels Ryan drawing hearts into his back with soft fingertips. He smiles and says, “I’m doing okay.”

When he looks at Spencer he feels his heart break a little because his eyes are the same beautiful blue but they’re pleading and the corner of his lips are pulled into a frown. Brendon wants to tell him to feel better, tell him not to worry because things will be okay. But the worry lines in Spencer’s forehead makes him keep his mouth shut because the same feeling comes back. The nagging feeling in his head and he knows, he isn’t stupid he can figure it out that something is just wrong here.

Instead of focusing on Spencer and Jon, he thinks about summertime with whispering breezes. He thinks about late nights spent with Ryan underneath infinite skies and intertwining hands and bodies that held so many intimate secrets. He figures that Ryan must be thinking about the same things because when he looks behind him at Ryan’s face, there’s a knowing smile tugging at his lips.

Outside, the leaves fall from the trees and whirl around freely in the wind. Brendon wishes he was out there with Ryan in the fall leaves, nothing but each other to keep them warm. But he’s stuck in this room and he still just doesn’t know why.

Spencer and Jon leave after only an hour of thick silence. They both hug Brendon tightly, gripping onto his shirt and pulling him as close as they could get.

“I love you Bren, never forget that,” Jon whispered gently. He should of known not to say that to Brendon but it just slips his mind. Once the words were out, there’s no taking them back.

Brendon feels like fire is flowing rapidly through his veins. The searing pain is tearing him apart limb from limb. His skin is scorching and he doesn’t know why it’s happening, doesn’t know why words would affect him this way. Jon and Spencer hug him tighter and somewhere far away he can hear the word ‘sorry’ being repeated over and over but it’s muffled, far away from where he is. He wants Jon and Spencer to let go and let him breathe because he’s being smothered and he’s breathing, panting, struggling, but no oxygen is entering his lungs.

He feels Ryan push them away and wrap his arms around his waist and somehow he’s okay now, he can breathe. The pain throughout his body is minimal now, just a pulsing reminder, nothing more. He looks up at Jon and sees his features laced with regret and sorrow. Brendon feels it like a punch in the gut because he’s doing this to Jon and Spencer, breaking them down and losing their trust.

He’s exhausted and he just wants to intertwine himself with Ryan and have a dreamless sleep.

Jon and Spencer leave without another word and Brendon falls into Ryan’s open arms.

___

A few weeks later, Brendon is introduced to William. He’s tall and lanky with wavy brown hair and just about the longest legs Brendon has ever seen.

“I’m William,” William says with a toothy smile, extending his hand to Brendon.

“Why are you in my room?” is the first thing Brendon says. He doesn’t mean to be rude, he is just curious as to why some guy is in his room.

“I’m you’re new roommate,” is William’s explanation.

Brendon turns to Ryan to see what he thinks about William. They converse for about three minutes before Brendon turns back around to face the skinny boy and shakes his hand.

“I’m Brendon.”

And William, he doesn’t say anything about Ryan being in the room even though he was told he would be sharing a room with only one other patient. But he was also told by their therapist that Ryan was Brendon’s support, his clutch, so he doesn’t say anything when Brendon talks to him, doesn‘t even look at him weird.

He watches as William unpacks his suitcase. He watches how he takes out neatly folded clothes, coordinated by color and he watches how he takes out all of his 63 CD’s, all alphabetized.

“So, why are you in here Brendon?” William asks even though it‘s pretty obvious to everyone who isn‘t Brendon. And he isn’t even being nosey like Brendon thinks. Ryan explains that William is simply trying to make conversation and maybe make a new friend. So Brendon answers him.

“I’m not really sure to be honest. I have really bad nightmares and stuff,” Brendon shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly and William nods his head and doesn’t tell Brendon the obvious.

“Why are you here?” Brendon asks, and there’s a bitterness to his voice like he’s jealous that William probably actually knows why he’s here.

“Obsessive compulsive disorder and bulimia,” William explains, hanging his clothes on his side of the closet.

“Oh, that’s why you’re so skinny,” Brendon says bluntly, earning a slap on the back of the head from Ryan.

William nods sheepishly and tells Brendon they should be friends. He wants to tell William that Ryan is all he’ll ever need but instead, he just nods and says “Yeah, friends would be nice.”

___

And it is nice, Brendon decides about three weeks later. It feels strange at first, trying to be friends with someone for the first time since he‘s been in this place. But day by day he starts to remember when he was best friend with Jon and Spencer and how they acted towards each other. It was so carefree and uplifting, having his best friends and his boyfriend that he loved more than anything in the universe. Now was good too though, now was okay because him and William had a bond that was growing stronger every minute.

Brendon tries to ignore it. He tries to pretend like it isn’t happening, but Ryan is there less and less everyday. Brendon vaguely wonders where he goes. Home, he decides. Of course Ryan would eventually want to go home. He can’t pretend he isn’t afraid though. He’s disappointed Jon and Spencer and now Ryan too. Finally, Ryan is giving up on him.

Today, Brendon joins William for lunch instead of sitting in their room talking with Ryan. They arrive in the cafeteria together, waiting in line for food even though Brendon knows that William is only going to pretend to eat or just puke it up later when no one‘s watching.

They sit down at the nearest table and ignore all the stares and looks they receive. In all the time that Brendon has been here, he hasn’t spoken to another patient, and now here he was eating lunch with William. But he just shrugs off the stares and watches William pick nervously at his food.

He feels something tug at his heart and he wants to comfort William because it looks like he’s slowly disappearing. He hates sitting here knowing that his friend is dying, starving, doing this to himself. The tiny pants that fit him the first day he came here hang loosely on his hips and his shirt is nearly falling off his frail shoulders.

“I wish you would eat something,” Brendon says cautiously.

“I am eating Bren, you’ve been sitting there for ten minutes watching me,” William tells him, rolling his eyes.

There was a lot of things he wanted to tell William, but his tongue felt thick in his mouth and he was having trouble breathing. It isn’t like him and William are best friends or anything, Brendon cares though, he does, but it’s not like he can force him to eat.

“So, tell me about Ryan,” William says, smoothly changing the subject.

It takes Brendon by surprise and he finds himself missing Ryan desperately. He tells himself it’s ridiculous, missing Ryan like this when he hasn’t been gone very long at all. It’s just that he’s used to Ryan being around constantly and suddenly he’s just gone for hours at a time.

“Ryan…Ryan is the most amazing person I’ve ever known,” Brendon tells him, and his thoughts are becoming hazy with all the memories him and Ryan share.

“How did you two meet?” William asks, genuinely curious.

It’s quiet for a moment as Brendon thinks about it, a little surprised that William even wants to know. He likes talking about Ryan though, because Ryan feels like home and it makes him feel good.

“Well my best friend Jon went to school with Ryan and his best friend Spencer. None of them ever really fit in so the three of them became pretty close since all they had were each other. It was a little weird when Jon introduced us all because the four of us all just clicked right off the bat. Especially me and Ryan. From there it didn’t take long before me and Ryan were with each other basically everyday,” Brendon explains, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Do you love him?”

“More than anything in the world, man.”

William’s mouth tugs into a frown and Brendon wonders what he said that was wrong. But a few seconds later, he is back to smiling and Brendon thinks he probably just imagined it.

____

It breaks Brendon’s heart when he walks into his room later and hears William vomiting up what little he ate of his lunch in the bathroom. He wants to save him, he does, but he how can he save his friend if he can’t even save himself?

He stands at the door, pondering whether he should turn the handle and confront him or not. He regrets it instantly when he pulls open the old wooden door. He wants Ryan here to help him think, to tell him what to do because God, he’s never been in a situation like this and he just doesn’t know. He wants his thoughts to stop being a whirlwind in his head so he can think rationally because William needs help and he’s just standing there staring.

William is sitting on the cold bathroom floor, hunched over the toilet and unconscious. Brendon gags at the smell of vomit lingering in the air.

“Wake up William, come on,” Brendon says, rushing over to shake his friend’s shoulders and kneeling down beside him.

He’s as pale as a sheet and there’s dried vomit in the corners of his mouth. His fingers are still coated with saliva and Brendon wants to run away, far away from all of this, but he knows he has can’t just leave him here to choke on his own vomit.

Brendon reaches for the nearest towel and gets up from the floor to run it in under cold water. When he comes back to sit on the floor next to his friend, he puts the cold towel on his forehead, wraps his arms around William’s frail little body and just waits. He should just be waiting for William to wake up but he isn’t.

He’s waiting for Ryan to come back and hold him and tell him he’s never going to leave again. He’s waiting to be able to leave this place and never come back. He’s waiting for Jon and Spencer to be his friend again instead of pitying something that doesn’t matter. But mostly he’s just waiting for Ryan.

William stirs in his arms and Brendon’s heart starts to race. He has no idea what to say.

“You’re killing yourself Will,” his voice breaks and he didn’t want to say that, but that’s what came out.

William’s breathing isn’t quite right. It’s shallow, too shallow. Brendon wants to hold him tightly but he’s just so fragile that one touch that isn’t careful could break him easily.

“I know Bren, I know.”

His voice is hoarse and rough and Brendon’s never seen William like this, so vulnerable. They sit there on the bathroom floor for hours, neither one wanting to break the silence. Brendon thinks it’s ironic, really. How he’s holding this broken boy on the bathroom floor of a mental facility and they call him the crazy one instead of William. He breaks out of his thoughts when he feels William’s breathing pattern change against his chest and he looks down at the boy that‘s fast asleep. While he sleeps, Brendon studies his face for the first time. He’s surprised because he sees William everyday, but he’s never really looked at him.

Somewhere, buried underneath all the imperfections that the eating disorder has caused, he’s beautiful. All the beauty is taken away though, by deep purple bags under his eyes, hollow cheeks, no color, and chapped lips. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until the tears drip onto William face. He doesn’t even know why he’s crying, maybe because this is just so fucked up or maybe he realizes just how many beautiful things are covered up by useless imperfections. Imperfections that are our own fault.

Then he wonders why Ryan has no imperfections. Love, he decides. It’s because I’m in love.

____

It isn’t unexpected when William dies, not really. A heart attack, they explained to him. They won’t let Brendon attend the funeral, they say he’s still too mentally unstable. It’s three weeks after Brendon found him vomiting in their bathroom that he finds him lying in his bed with no pulse. It’s frightening, like one of Brendon’s nightmares only this, this is real. He doesn’t cry though, he just can’t bring himself to. After a person goes through so much pain, they learn to numb themselves.

The night they take William’s body away, Brendon lies awake and notices how silent it is without the relaxing sound of William snoring across the room. It’s almost too much to take because where the fuck is Ryan? He should be there raking his fingers through Brendon’s hair and whispering hushed ‘I love you’s in his ear. Brendon thought he would come back, he always comes back. But he just lies there alone, tossing and turning and his body feels strange to him, like it isn’t his. Like it never belonged to him at all.

And Brendon finally figures out that this, this is what it feels like to wants to crawl out of your skin.

Somehow, he makes it through the darkness and falls asleep with the deafening buzz of silence loud in his ears.

The nightmares haven’t happened that often since William and Brendon became friends, but now Brendon wakes up startled and covered in a sheen of sweat glistening on his skin and he feels sick. He’s panting and his heart is racing and he needs Ryan or William here to save him. He dreamt of fire and God, it was so real. He could feel it charring his flesh and he could feel the smoke smothering him. He screams louder than he ever has before and it’s filled with hurt and loss and anguish.

He needs Ryan to rub his back and tell him it was just a dream. But the darkness is all he has because Ryan wants nothing to do with Brendon and William is dead.

It’s now that he realizes he’s completely and utterly alone.

He kicks off his sheets and walks over to his window. It’s still dark out but the sun will be rising soon. Brendon opens the window and breathes in the fresh air, it’s soothing but it’s just not enough. He looks up into the sky and drops to his knees.

“Why God?” His voice is urgent and strong, but he cant help the break on the end of his words.

“Why would you take away the only thing I can’t live without? I love him more than the life pulsing through my body, how could you take him away? How? How?” Brendon yells and he feels the rage filling him up from head to toe.

When he stands back up and closes the window, he raises his fist and punches it. The shatter is deafening and the glass shards fly everywhere along with Brendon’s blood. He wants to hurt, wants to feel on the outside what he feels on the inside. He walks over to the small television set that he and William shared and kicks it off the stand to watch it shatter and break.

It’s an adrenaline rush and he can’t stop. He kicks and breaks everything he can until the nurses and guards run into the room and grabs a hold of him.

“I just need Ryan, I just need Ryan, he took him away from me and I need him back,” Brendon cries desperately, tears flowing freely down his face, mixing with his blood.

He see’s the needle before he feels it, but he knows there’s nothing he can do to stop it anyway. He feels the sharp prick break through his skin and his body falls limp in the arms of the guards.

____

He’s the first appointment for his therapist the next day.

“This is good Brendon, I know you think it isn’t, but you’re finally getting better,” she tells him gently.

Brendon is looking around the room and it still reminds him of his and Ryan’s apartment. He wants to tell this to Ryan again but then he remembers. Ryan isn’t here.

“How is this me getting better?” Brendon asks.

“Ryan is gone Brendon, now it’s just us. Now we can talk.”

“Why did he leave, why isn’t he here?”

“Brendon, Ryan, he-” Brendon wonders why she’s hesitating. She’s a therapist for fucks sakes, she not supposed to be hesitating.

“I have something to show you,” she says instead.

Brendon watches her fumble through her desk until she pulls out a piece of newspaper. She unfolds it and straightens out the crinkles on her desk. She stands up from her leather chair and crosses the room to hand it to Brendon.

Brendon stares at the paper in disbelief and he’s crying, sobbing.

Murderous Fire Takes Place In Vegas

January 14th, 2008

Police and investigators finally figured out the puzzle three weeks after the horrendous fire that took the life of 20 year old victim, George Ryan Ross III. What people thought was a terrible accident, turned out to be a cause from one of Vegas’ deadliest murderers. Although there were no witnesses, a tape of the whole scene was found in the home of Ryan Ross and Brendon Urie. As of now, Brendon Urie is a resident of Clearwater Mental Facility and close friends Spencer Smith, and Jon Walker are refusing to comment. The killer, George Ross, is known to be Ryan’s father and is now facing life in prison. He has admitted in court to hurting, beating, raping, and killing his son. It is also now known that before setting the building and his only son in flames, that he slowly tortured Ryan and filmed it so his boyfriend could watch. There will be more on the story once all the facts are in.

The memories flash back to him in a rush. He remembers sitting around in his living room with Jon and Spencer, calling the police and waiting for Ryan to be found. He remembers the agony, the way his heart felt like it was tearing itself to shreds. He remembers the pained look on his friend’s faces, knowing there was absolutely nothing they could do to stop the inevitable.

It all falls into place in his head. The videotape on his doorstep, watching Ryan being tortured and raped by his own flesh and blood, watching him burn and die because of his own father. And he heard his last words from the videotape ringing in his ears.“I love you Bren, never forget that.”

It’s like feeling the pain of losing him all over again.

It’s unbearable, it hurts and it tears at his insides, he screams and it’s just too much because Ryan isn’t here and he never will be again.

He figures it out before the therapist has to tell him. Ryan was never here. Ryan never sang him to sleep in this awful place, never rubbed his back when he woke up from a nightmare, never told Brendon he loved him, never did any of that because Ryan is dead.

But it felt so real. It felt as real as they days they would lie together in bed, just breathing each other in after making love, or when they would sit in the grass of Ryan’s back yard with Jon and Spencer, talking about music and life. But Ryan was alive then, that’s the difference.

“I’m sorry Brendon,” the therapist tells him, her voice is shaky and Brendon can tell this is the part of her job she hates. Seeing her patients go crazy.

“Why?” Brendon yells. He can see it clearly in his mind now, can see the scared look in Ryan’s eyes.

“I could see him so clearly, he talked to me, he isn’t dead, he isn’t, he promised me.”

“Brendon, sometimes when we love someone that much, we don’t want to admit it when they’re really gone,” she explains. “Sometimes, we create a fantasy world where anything we want is real.”

“And the only thing I ever wanted was Ryan,” he says.

____

A few days later, Brendon is told he will be released in two more days. He sits on his bed in his empty room when Jon and Spencer walk in. They’re cautious because they know that Brendon is aware that Ryan is really gone. When the two boys enter the room and sit on the edge of Brendon’s bed, it isn’t awkward anymore, it feels like a new beginning.

“He really isn’t coming back is he?” Is the first thing Brendon asks, breaking the silence.

“Afraid not Bren,” Jon tells him, getting up and sitting next to Brendon, wrapping his arms around Brendon’s waist. Brendon cries into Jon’s shoulder and Spencer gets up and rubs his back soothingly. The storm is over, but the damage is still there. They stay like that for an hour, huddled up against each other and listening as Brendon’s broken sobs fill the silence.

It feels incomplete without Ryan there. It’s always been the four of them comforting each other. Ryan’s absence hangs heavy in the air but it’s getting a little better now because at least it’s acknowledged.

“Did you get him cremated?” Brendon asks, because that’s what Ryan wanted. Every time he came to Brendon, all busted up from his father, he would remind him. ‘I don’t want to be in a box when I die, I want to be free.’

“Of course,” Spencer reassured him, still clinging to Jon and Brendon.

“Where did you spread the ashes?” Brendon questioned.

“We didn’t yet, we think Ryan would have wanted to you to that,” Spencer explained.

And he was right, Ryan would have wanted Brendon to do it. His soul mate and the love of his life. His other half.

____

“Are you ready Bren?” Jon asks when they arrive Friday afternoon.

“Yeah, they said I could go as soon as I sign the release forms.”

The three boys wait patiently and talk about the day ahead of them until the nurse comes in with a clipboard and pen. Brendon signs and grabs his suitcase, following Spencer and Jon out the door.

“Goodbye William,” Brendon whispers before he closes the door for good.

“Did you decide where you want to put them?” Spencer asks Brendon once theey’re in the car, leaving the mental facility.

“Yeah…yeah, you know the woods by the neighborhood me and Ryan grew up in? Just park in front of there and we can walk the rest of the way.”

It doesn’t take long to get there. Maybe ten minutes or so of Brendon constantly fiddling with the radio. When Spencer parks in front of the woods, he hands Brendon a box with shaking hands. When Brendon opens it, he finds a black velvet bag inside and inhales sharply.

“This is it Bren, are you ready?” Jon asks, there’s sorrow written into every feature of his face. But Brendon ignores it, he has to be ready to do this. He has to do this for Ryan.

“As ready as I’m ever going to be,” Brendon says, opening the car door and climbing out.

They enter the woods and Spencer and Jon follow Brendon, walking for about fifteen minutes before Brendon stops abruptly. There’s a clearing in the woods and it isn’t huge, not big at all, but it’s a beautiful sight. There’s flowers erupting from the dirt everywhere and there’s a clearing of green grass in the middle.

“Me and Ryan used to come here all the time when things got bad. It helped us relax and calm down and figure things out,” Brendon explained.

“He told me about it one time. He said that it was special place for you guys,” Spencer said, staring up into the clear sky.

“It is. This is where we had out first kiss, this is where we both first said I love you. Ryan was happy here.”

Brendon opened the small black bag, took a deep breath, and sprinkled the ashes into the grass. Spencer and Jon watched with tear stained faces as Brendon finally put Ryan to rest.

“I love you baby,” Brendon whispered into the wind, choking back tears.

____

It takes a lot of time, but the hurt goes away a little more everyday. Jon and Spencer are there constantly to help Brendon heal. Brendon wants to be better for Ryan because he knows Ryan would want him to be happy.

Twelve years after Brendon is released from the facility, he meets Audrey. She’s pretty and she’s head over heels for Brendon. It isn’t love at first sight, not like it was with Ryan. But eventually, he does fall in love with her. They have a daughter named Bella Urie and a son named Ryan Urie. She knows about Ryan and she knows that Brendon goes to that clearing in the woods twice a week to feel close to him, to remember.

Today is a day he would usually stay home with Audrey and the kids but there’s a longing inside him for Ryan, an ache that hurts his soul. So he goes to the clearing, wishing he could feel Ryan in his arms. He always loved how their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces, like God meant it to be like that.

“I miss you Ry,” Brendon says, kicking at the dirt and grass beneath his feet.

“It’s not the same without you here. I’m supposed to be at home with Audrey today, but I just needed to come here and talk to you. Little Ryan saw pictures of us together and he said I shouldn’t worry so much because you’re in heaven now. I guess he’s right, you always were an angel.

“It gets easier to deal with but some days I just miss you so much Ry. I love Audrey, I really do, but I’d give up everything I have just to wake up with you next to me. I shouldn’t say that, I know, but it’s true. I’m living life and trying my best to be happy because that’s what you would have wanted. But Ryan, if I ever make it to heaven, you’re going to be the first face I look for.”

Brendon, he swears that when he talks to Ryan out here the sun shines just a bit brighter and the wind blows against his face just a bit stronger. And he knows, he can feel Ryan all around him out here and when he goes back home to Audrey, he kisses her gently and smiles because he knows he’s lucky to have a beautiful family on earth and a soul mate waiting in heaven.

Ryan, when he died, he took Brendon’s heart along with him. But not for one second, did Brendon ever stop loving him.

Brendon lived long enough to walked his daughter down the aisle to get married, watched as his son grew up and became a carbon copy of himself, and when he died, Audrey spread his ashes in the clearing and Ryan was at the gates of heaven, waiting for him with open arms and a smile while William, Jon, and Spencer watched from near by.