And Then We Will Destroy Our Bodies
Fifteen
Getting back to the car, Frank and Gerard made small talk about this and that, agreeing it was time to head to the party. They’d been driving for several minutes in comfortable silence before Gerard spoke up…
“So what about you, Frank?” Gerard asked
“What about me?” Frank asked in return, knowing what Gerard meant, but only willing to answer if Gerard actually asked the question.
It was dark in the car but as Gerard drove the lights of the store fronts shone in the windows illuminating his passengers face with a dim glow…
“When did you know you were gay?” Gerard asked more specifically
Frank mouth opened in protest “That’s not the question I asked you” He accused with dismay…
Gerard laughed “Wait, is there a rule I have to ask the same questions back? I already know you’re gay so I might as well skip that question and go onto the next one, right?”
“I guess…” Frank sighed a little, wishing he had thought of asking Gerard that question first.
“So…?”
Frank thought a moment, a flood of responses and memories rushed through his head.
Behind the prickly bushes and under the back porch in Frank’s yard, two young boys rested in the cool darkness, they had already explored the tool shed, and Mrs. Mccanny’s garden when Frank had suggested looking for treasure under the back porch. After all, they had explored their yards every summer they had been friends but had never yet been beneath the porch before. They had both wondered what sort of amazing discovery awaited them and they wriggled under the steps and both breathed in the smell of packed earth and cool dirt.
“Man, what a cool fort!” Frank exclaimed when they had both entered their new secret lair, watching for spiders as Jimmy appreciatively scanned their new terrain. Both of them happy to find that they could sit comfortably without knocking their heads on the boards above them.
“It IS pretty fucking awesome…” Jimmy agreed, not able to look away from Frank’s grin, and grinned himself…
~
Jimmy’s hand brushed against Frank’s as they settled back against the bricks of the Iero house. A sliver of sunlight reaching through a crack in the wood streaked across Frank’s face as he leaned his head against the rough brick. Happy to just rest a moment out of the Jersey heat.
Jimmy suddenly caught up Frank’s hand in his own, his palm gritty with dirt but still smooth. Frank’s heart sped up, and a sick feeling entered his stomach but he didn’t pull away, he let his fingers close over Jimmy’s so that their hands were clasped.
Frank remembered their sleepovers last year, how Jimmy had slept in his bed and Frank had had dreams, so many of them…he knew he wanted to kiss Jimmy, and the other things in his mind made him feel so ashamed, because it wasn’t just Jimmy, it was other boys, boys he’d never seen or met, boys from school…
For days after his dreams he’d fake sick so he wouldn’t have to go play with Jimmy, scared that he might act on his thoughts, slip up and say something…Now here he was holding hands with a boy, with Jimmy..
There they were two young boys hidden under a porch, scared to death of what they were feeling, and what they were wanting and Frank knew he couldn’t pretend to himself anymore…he was different.
As the car stopped at a stop light Frank realized Gerard was still waiting for an answer…
“When I was a kid.” Frank said evenly, “I was 9, maybe 10.”
Gerard nodded, and spoke a little softly “This isn’t some sort of test, Frank, you don’t have to tell me, I just wondered.”
Frank shrugged, “It’s fine, I don’t mind, I just don’t talk to many people about it I guess.”
“What, no gay friends?” Gerard asked a little surprised
“Yeah, like highschool is the greatest place to find cool accepting out-of-the-closet gays, right?” Frank said sarcastically but not bitterly.
Gerard laughed a little, “That’s true, I forget how much Highschool sucks sometimes.”
Frank shrugged it off, the aftertaste of the summer memory still hanging on, making him more defensive than usual…
“So.” Frank started, trying to shake the bad feeling entirely “When did you know you were gay, Gerard?”
“Hmmm…” Gerard shifted his grip on the steering wheel a few times, “When I was kid, I had a best friend, and well, I just kinda knew I liked him as more than a friend…it’s a pretty distinct feeling even when you get older, you’re hanging out with friends and there’s one person you’re more careful around or you feel more for or think about more. Or you meet someone new and you hang out as friends and you just sort of know that you and them being ‘just friends’ isn’t…isn’t in the cards, you know?”
Gerard glanced over at Frank, hoping his run on sentences weren't making him look as stupid as he felt.
“Yeah...” Frank spoke hesitantly, trying not to take Gerard's statement in any way that it wasn’t intended, “It’s like a feeling in your chest, I know.”
Gerard just nodded, his eyes back on the road...
“So what about you, Frank?” Gerard asked
“What about me?” Frank asked in return, knowing what Gerard meant, but only willing to answer if Gerard actually asked the question.
It was dark in the car but as Gerard drove the lights of the store fronts shone in the windows illuminating his passengers face with a dim glow…
“When did you know you were gay?” Gerard asked more specifically
Frank mouth opened in protest “That’s not the question I asked you” He accused with dismay…
Gerard laughed “Wait, is there a rule I have to ask the same questions back? I already know you’re gay so I might as well skip that question and go onto the next one, right?”
“I guess…” Frank sighed a little, wishing he had thought of asking Gerard that question first.
“So…?”
Frank thought a moment, a flood of responses and memories rushed through his head.
Behind the prickly bushes and under the back porch in Frank’s yard, two young boys rested in the cool darkness, they had already explored the tool shed, and Mrs. Mccanny’s garden when Frank had suggested looking for treasure under the back porch. After all, they had explored their yards every summer they had been friends but had never yet been beneath the porch before. They had both wondered what sort of amazing discovery awaited them and they wriggled under the steps and both breathed in the smell of packed earth and cool dirt.
“Man, what a cool fort!” Frank exclaimed when they had both entered their new secret lair, watching for spiders as Jimmy appreciatively scanned their new terrain. Both of them happy to find that they could sit comfortably without knocking their heads on the boards above them.
“It IS pretty fucking awesome…” Jimmy agreed, not able to look away from Frank’s grin, and grinned himself…
~
Jimmy’s hand brushed against Frank’s as they settled back against the bricks of the Iero house. A sliver of sunlight reaching through a crack in the wood streaked across Frank’s face as he leaned his head against the rough brick. Happy to just rest a moment out of the Jersey heat.
Jimmy suddenly caught up Frank’s hand in his own, his palm gritty with dirt but still smooth. Frank’s heart sped up, and a sick feeling entered his stomach but he didn’t pull away, he let his fingers close over Jimmy’s so that their hands were clasped.
Frank remembered their sleepovers last year, how Jimmy had slept in his bed and Frank had had dreams, so many of them…he knew he wanted to kiss Jimmy, and the other things in his mind made him feel so ashamed, because it wasn’t just Jimmy, it was other boys, boys he’d never seen or met, boys from school…
For days after his dreams he’d fake sick so he wouldn’t have to go play with Jimmy, scared that he might act on his thoughts, slip up and say something…Now here he was holding hands with a boy, with Jimmy..
There they were two young boys hidden under a porch, scared to death of what they were feeling, and what they were wanting and Frank knew he couldn’t pretend to himself anymore…he was different.
As the car stopped at a stop light Frank realized Gerard was still waiting for an answer…
“When I was a kid.” Frank said evenly, “I was 9, maybe 10.”
Gerard nodded, and spoke a little softly “This isn’t some sort of test, Frank, you don’t have to tell me, I just wondered.”
Frank shrugged, “It’s fine, I don’t mind, I just don’t talk to many people about it I guess.”
“What, no gay friends?” Gerard asked a little surprised
“Yeah, like highschool is the greatest place to find cool accepting out-of-the-closet gays, right?” Frank said sarcastically but not bitterly.
Gerard laughed a little, “That’s true, I forget how much Highschool sucks sometimes.”
Frank shrugged it off, the aftertaste of the summer memory still hanging on, making him more defensive than usual…
“So.” Frank started, trying to shake the bad feeling entirely “When did you know you were gay, Gerard?”
“Hmmm…” Gerard shifted his grip on the steering wheel a few times, “When I was kid, I had a best friend, and well, I just kinda knew I liked him as more than a friend…it’s a pretty distinct feeling even when you get older, you’re hanging out with friends and there’s one person you’re more careful around or you feel more for or think about more. Or you meet someone new and you hang out as friends and you just sort of know that you and them being ‘just friends’ isn’t…isn’t in the cards, you know?”
Gerard glanced over at Frank, hoping his run on sentences weren't making him look as stupid as he felt.
“Yeah...” Frank spoke hesitantly, trying not to take Gerard's statement in any way that it wasn’t intended, “It’s like a feeling in your chest, I know.”
Gerard just nodded, his eyes back on the road...
♠ ♠ ♠
Sort of a short chapter compared to the others, I haven't got much of a chance to write letely but thanks you for the comments and the love! You now how much I love them!xoxo these words are for you...