Reminds Me of Home

"It's pretty here," I said as I looked at the sights around me.

"I know," he said as he came and stood beside me to my right, where he had always stood.

"It reminds me of something, something familiar but I can't put my finger on it," I said as continued to stare out.

"It reminds me of home," he said as he looped our fingers together lightly.

I looked down at the contact, slightly shocked. I had missed it for so long, it had been absent for so long.

I sighed and continued watching the colors melting in the sky. Not really a sunset or sunrise, more like colors just melting for the beauty of it. He was right, there was a home like quality to the air even though I couldn't put a finger on it.

We stood there in silence for a while, just watching the breeze touch the leaves, enjoying each others company after so long. Too long.

"Are you happy?" I asked, the question had been bothering me for quite some time.

"For the most part I guess, as much as anyone in this situation can be. But yes, I am. I am happy," he said as he turned to smile at me.

Really smile. I smiled slightly at its sight. I had gone so long without it, my life seemingly dark with its absence.

And it was his smile that made me believe him. If he was happy then so was I. I had spent a good portion of my life making sure he was always happy. Making sure that that hidden smile he only showed me always had a reason to shine in my life.

"Good," I said, smiling at him once more before turning to look back around.

We stood there in silence for a while more, just enjoying each others company after the long absence. It was all I needed for the moment, and it was enough.

"Was it scary?" I asked after a moment.

"Not really, it's not like I had wanted to go. But now, now I am happy to be here. And that's why I had wanted to show you. I wanted you to know everything was okay," he said reassuringly.

"Will it look like this for me?" I asked, turning once more to gaze around, looking anywhere but his gaze.

It was the first time in the history of my life spent with him that I had ever averted my gaze from his brown level one. The eyes that use to make everything all right in the world.

"I don't, I don't know how it works exactly. But here it feels like home. It reminds me and feels like all the times spent at your house, the laughter around your house. It reminds me of my old house, and all the times spent in the basement. It even smells like home to me, it just doesn't necessarily look like it," he said softly, squeezing my hand a little tighter.

I sighed. That was good.

"Is she here?" I asked after a bit more of silence, not knowing the answer or knowing if I truly wanted to know.

"She is," he said back.

Good. Though it still brought the sting of future tears to the backs of my eyes. I missed her almost as much as I missed him. Life just didn't seem as vibrant.

Again we stood in silence and I didn't care. While I missed his voice and his smile and his laugh all the time, I missed his presence beside me at all times the most. He had always stood at my right hand side, his body always there. And then it hadn't been. So I soaked it in before I turned back to stare at his smiling profile.

I burned it into my memory, every crease and line behind it. As if it wasn't ingrained into my memory already I wanted to make sure it would never go. That I'd never lose this. I wanted this forever, but knew it wasn't so.

And as if reading my mind he turned to look at me.

"You have to go," he said softly reaching up to brush a piece of hair off my face.

I just realized that here I had long hair again. Which I hadn't had in so long. He had always loved my long hair. It's why I had cut it all off.

"But why? Why bring me here just to have me leave again so soon? Its been so long," I sighed softly, not wanting to go with every fiber of my being.

"Because. Because I had to show you I was all right, that I was okay. Most importantly that I was happy. And while I'll miss you forever I'm still happy. And I needed you to see that so you could be happy as well," he said dropping his hand from my face, but not letting go of my hand with his other.

"I guess," I said, tears choking me up as I felt a tug on my inner being.

I didn't want to go, I wanted to stay here with him forever.

"You can't," he said, knowing my inner most thoughts as if by magic.

But then again he had always been able to do that. The only one ever able to see past my walls, see past my defenses to what was buried beneath from public view. He broke me down and rebuilt me. Stronger. Yet weaker in all the same ways.

I felt the tug pull harder and felt a tear slip down my cheek.

I was sad to leave, I furious to have him taken from me all over again. But I was better, I knew he was safe, I knew he was okay. Most of all I knew he was happy.

"I never got to tell you in person before, but," I faltered.

I couldn't do it.

"I know. And I love you too, always have. And always will. I will love you forever, and that's shaping up to be a very long time. Now go home," he said as leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

***

I woke up with a start in my bed, pillows and blankets askew across my mattress. I was covered in sweat and there were dried tears on my face. I reached a hand up to touch them and then to my forehead. It was warm in the center, and slightly damp. Where he had kissed me.

Getting up I threw on some old sweats from my old high school track team and slipped on some flip flops and a hoodie before walking out my door. Not caring for my appearance. I grabbed a dried rose from the vase by my door that I always replenished, with dried ones.

I stopped at the side of the road and picked some flowers, like I always did. From the same spot.

Getting back into my car I drove farther on to my destination.

Reaching it I got out of my car, sticking my keys into my pocket out of habit and walked on. Don't know why I bothered, it wasn't like there was anyone here who would take my car anyway. But old habits die hard. Like this one.

I made the familiar trek to the familiar spot, I knew the exact number of steps it took to get there. Two hundred and thirty eight. Exactly.

Kneeling down I dropped most of my bouquet on the ground, brushing away the withered ones I had last left before. I traced her name lovingly, it had been so long.

Next I moved onto the one I had come to see specifically this time around. I felt at peace as I dropped my dried rose in the spot next to the others. It was always dried roses, never fresh. It was how we did things. I smiled as I looked down at the sight before me. I felt better, whole inside for once. He was happy. He had said so. He had shown me.

"I'm glad you're together. And I'm glad that you're happy. I love you," I whispered down at the stones below me before turning and walking back to my car.

Smiling.

"Anne Petersburg and Jake Anthony Petersburg. Loving mother and son. Forever in our hearts and our minds."