And She Made the Shape of My Heart With Her Hands

“No! Stop it!” I screeched while giggling hysterically.

Pat came at me pinching his fingers like a crab. He was grinning from ear to ear. I squeezed my eyes shut and contracted my arms into my stomach. I heard Pat advancing towards me quickly.

I laughed like a little kid loudly when I felt the numerous pinches in my sides, my ticklish spots. “Pat! Pat, please!”

“Get a room,” Garrett called out. I heard Kennedy snicker clearly.

Pat and I froze, Pat blushing a bit. We both stared at my brother and Kennedy.

I smirked. “Fine,” I simply stated, grabbing a confused and bewildered Pat by the hand and pulling him away.

“No! I was kidding, I was kidding! Stop!” Garrett frantically bellowed. Kennedy started laughing hysterically.

“Yeah. That’s what I thought, Garrett,” I taunted him. I loved messing with Garrett.

“Guys, you’re on the stage in a minute,” some guy dressed in stage crew gear warned.

The boys started taking action right away by setting down their water bottles and Vitamin Waters, and walking towards the stage entrance.

I hurried in front of them, waiting by the dark opening with an encouraging smile planted on my face.

Jared passed me first. “Have fun!”

He chuckled. “We always do,” he replied, still walking ahead with a bright smile.

Kennedy was next, grabbing me in a bone-crushing hug. I simple laughed, letting him pass by me wordlessly.

“Don’t expect that from me,” my brother said lowly, referring to Kennedy’s bear hug.

I merely chuckled and made a cute heart shape with my hands, the broken one messing it up by making one side bulky and oddly shaped.

As soon as I let my hands drop, I felt Pat place his hands lightly on my upper waist, pulling me forward so he could peck my lips sweetly.

“Uh… Break a leg. That’s a newer one,” I chuckled sheepishly. Pat laughed lightly as he passed by with a gleaming smile and clear brown eyes.

When I turned back around towards the backstage, I saw John advancing towards me. My heart pounded and thumped and worry fled throughout my body.

I tried my best to play it cool, standing there with my arms crossed loosely and fingering my shirt.

As John went by me, I couldn’t help but bless him with a polite and warming smile. It wasn’t big or truly genuine, but it was courteous nonetheless.

A casually simple, yet sensual, wink is what I received in return.

I felt light-headed and I swore that my knees caved in by centimeters. I just swooned over a mere wink by John O’Callaghan…

“Cara, he only winked,” I quietly assured myself. “Get a grip!”

I sighed while closing my eyes and then swallowed.

And then that’s when I suddenly realized something that made my heart slightly fall in disappointment, and my brain softly sing in contentment, two totally different things at once.

Did John still have feelings for me?

I plopped myself down on a metal chair just as the band was welcomed to the stage by all the warm fans.

John winked at me… Was it an attempt to win me back, maybe even seduce me? Or did he realize that all his past and currents efforts are and were, useless?

Did John O’Callaghan finally come to terms that I, Cara Nickelsen, am dating one of his best friends and band mates, Pat Kirch? Does this mean that he wants to forget the past and just be… friends?

I frowned gloomily, but then suddenly mentally slapped myself.

“I should be happy, damn it!” I took a deep, yet frantic, breath. “This is what I wanted!”

My heart dwindled lower another few millimeters, pumping irregularly.

Is this what I wanted?

“I… I don’t know,” I whispered shamefully, my face in my hands, the one side coming into contact with the rough purple plaster.

And I thought that maybe this all would be over… Forget that. This will never end, will it?

“No,” I angrily answered myself, a couple frustrated tears leaking out from the sides. I madly sniffed, swallowed, and then abruptly stood up from my hard seat.

“Calm, Cara, relax. Pat will notice if you look muddled and disordered. Pull yourself together,” I calmly reminded myself.

I ran my hand through my hair a couple times and dabbed around my eyes.

The Maine was just starting their second song when I slowly wandered up to the side of the stage.

You could see the whole band performing. You could get a view of Pat beating on the drums rhythmically, Jared peacefully shredding on the guitar, Kennedy doing the same while softly accenting the vocals, my brother coolly pulling and plucking at the thick bass strings, and then John, belting out each note, pitch, and word beautifully. He truly did look like some state of marvelous up there.

I mentally kicked myself in the ass for that last silent comment.

My eyes started to scan the massive crowd, a large majority of them girls. Every time it even looked like one of the boys up on stage would move down closer to the pool of teens, they’d squeal and shout.

I chuckled a little at the high-pitched shriek a large group of girls uttered when Kennedy swooped down closer to their level. I let my observing eyes wander back to the performing band that I’ve grown so close to.

My eyes dragged up to John as he was singing a verse to I Must Be Dreaming.

He reached down to the wave of people down below him, the microphone staying close to his mouth as he sang the words, “ Remember the day when we started this,
And she made the shape of my heart with her hands,
We try to make some sense of it,
But she called me on the phone and said…”

John’s wonderful voice seized after the beautifully sang long note. I paid particular attention to his eyes. They suddenly looked unfocused as if his mind were some place other than that current stage he was performing on. They were glazed over and were staring straight ahead, towards nothing and no one. Just ahead. Then he mumbled lowly into the microphone, “Tell me that you love me,
And it'll be alright,
Are you thinking of me?
Just come with me tonight.

He then blinked a few times; attempting to snap himself out of the strange daze he had put himself in. However, his sober-minded eyes only lasted a short second, for they soon became distant once again as he hit the high notes, singing, “You know I need you,
Just like you need me,
Can't stop, Won't stop,
I must be dreaming”.

I blinked a few times, repeating all the words he had sang over and over again in my head. It was like I was trying to get an inside joke, repeating the joke repetitiously right down to the punch line.

“Are you thinking of me?
Just come to me tonight,
And she moves in closer,
Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming.”

The huge crowd erupted in roars of applause and appreciation. Kennedy, Jared, Garrett, and Pat all smiled graciously and waved at the loud fans. John remained not all there and breathless.

I stayed quiet as I further observed John and his actions. I, too, was slightly breathless.

And then bam.

It was almost as if someone had just knocked the wind right out of me. I truly was breathless then. Not to mention numb and anesthetized as the insight and realization hobbled across my mind.

This really will never be over. This, this problem. This confusion. This issue that could not only break up a band, but possibly break a friendship apart.

And if people aren’t careful, hearts could be added to that list of broken objects.