Ever So Slightly

It seems as though we are like this for an age - even though we both know what’s going to happen - before the door bursts open. I leap up and trip, stumbling backwards to the floor, as an unfamiliar person walks into the room.

I look up at William to see him blushing, and then look back down, crossing my legs, and bringing a hand gently up to my cheek.

‘Bill! My man - how are you up for a few beers before the show tonight? Me and Nasty found this cheap bar and thought we’d hit it up for a couple of hours, nothing too heavy but enough to get us going, ahaha, if you know what I mean. Oh-’ he says, catching sight of me, sitting cross-legged on the floor, smiling to myself. ‘Uh, or not - you know, whatever.’

He throws William a glance. I see it with my ‘Phase Two’ eyes - see how important these tricks are?

‘Yeah, thanks Siska, but I think I’d better rest a bit after last night - I’ve still got a bit of a headache. This is um…Hannah by the way. She sort of needed help last night, so Gabe and I brought her back here.’

‘Help, uh-huh,’ he says, his amused skepticism obvious.

‘What?’ asks William.

I stand up, ever so slightly enraged. What, he thought we’d had sex? Do I look like a slag? My stomach sank as I realised I was still in boxers and a jumper…

‘Yes, what? I - have been kidnapped. I went to sleep at a party and woke up here - and what? You’re judging me?’ I say frantically. ‘I don’t know where I am. I don’t know how I got here. But I’m not some groupie slag.’ I’m close to tears. ‘STOP. JUDGING. ME.’ My voice has gotten ridiculously high.

He’s just staring like I’m a mad woman. ‘Ima, uh…go now Billv…’ he says, and leaves the room, closing the door with a half-slam, like someone escaping in a hurry.

I break down - and god knows, I must look like a twit, but I just collapse on the floor and cry, nails digging into my scalp.

William is suddenly crouched down next to me, taking hold of my wrists and pulling me up.

He pulls me into him, like he doesn’t care that I’m deranged, and he drops down onto the bed, me in his lap, smearing wet mascara into his t-shirt.

I start to hiccup.

‘I’m sorry,’ I stammer. ‘I just have this thing about -hic-people judging me. It sounds stupid, but its like -hic- a phobia. I was so worried about the dress I was wearing last night - what people thought, and -hic- I haven’t left the house without makeup on in six years - I tried to once -hic- but I walked past this old woman and this dog, and I -hic- started hyperventilating and I had to run home -hic- and I cried for like, hours -hic- and - and - it sounds like vanity, but it’s not, I’m just so -hic- scared that people hate me for what I look like, I wouldn’t -hic- even care if they hated me -hic- so long as it wasn’t -hic- to do with what I’m like -hic- and - and -’

And I can hear a soothing ‘shhhh’ in my ear - I find myself calming down.

The hiccups subside. ‘I sound stupid, I know, but-’ I murmur, but William interrupts again with the gentle ‘shh’ing, and I fall silent.

‘I don’t think you’re stupid - not at all. But the only opinions you need to care about are the ones from the people that you care about - and the people who care about you. You’re funny, smart, and beautiful, and shouldn’t it be enough that we can see that? I know this probably isn’t helping - because if it was as easy as saying this then you probably wouldn’t even be here right now, but I’m not judging you, and Sisky, well - what was he supposed to think. A stunning, half naked girl in my room? But he’d believe me when I say nothing happened. So cheer up?’ He smiles gently, which I genuinely return.

‘I’m sorry,’ I yawn, shaking. ‘And thank you.’

‘S’nothing,’ he says, lying me down on the bed and moving out from under me.

I watch him from the corner of my eye as he stands and looks at me for a few moments then says, ‘I’m going to take a shower and wake up a bit okay? You sleep - you look exhausted.’

I nod heavily, my eyes already closing, my mind already drifting away.

I feel a hand brush a few strands of hair away from my face, and then hear footsteps, before I fall asleep.