Ever So Slightly

We spend the entire journey in silence, and when we reach the hotel, that doesn’t change in the slightest. I walk ahead of him to our room, and walk past him as we enter, locking myself in the bathroom and crying until my head is spinning and my eyes are so swollen that I can hardly see out of them. In the early hours of the morning, I finally go to sleep, crashing on the bed - cold and alone.

I wake up not long after, and Will’s not around, so I run around his room, collecting my things and numbly applying my makeup. It’s as though I’m on autopilot, and I can’t feel anything, not the pain that should be constricting my heart, and not nausea that should come with a hang over. When I’m finally ready, I pick up my things and leave the room, not looking back even once as I shut the door behind me.

I tap my way down the hall and stop at Gabe’s door, debating whether to say goodbye or not. It’s likely that William’s in there and I’m not sure if I want to see him. I rap on the door anyway - would I ever forgive myself for not saying goodbye? It was unlikely. Gabe answers the door looking inextricably sombre.

‘Hannah,’ he states as he sees me.

‘Hi Gabe,’ I mutter. ‘I was just - I came to say goodbye.’

‘…Are you sure you have to leave?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Then I’ll drive you to the station.’

‘That’s not necess-’

‘Please, okay? To put my mind at rest.’

‘Okay Gabe, thanks…um, is William in there?’ Gabe takes a while to answer.

‘…Yes.’

‘I think need to say goodbye.’

‘I think you do,’ agrees Gabe softly, standing aside to let me through.

William’s sitting on the edge of Gabe’s bed next to Bianca, her arm around his shoulders. I feel a sharp twinge of jealousy, before I remember that I have no right - I have no claim to him. Bianca stands up, fixing her eyes on mine in a death stare, before joining Gabe by the door - I just stand in front of the bed not saying anything. Will finally raises his head to me, and my eyes well up as I see that he’s been crying, his eyes as red and puffy as mine had been the night before.

And yet he was still the same to me. Still beautiful. Still the angel that I’d seen lying on our pillows the night after he’d rescued me. His pillows rather, I don’t suppose I have a claim to those either.

‘I’m going now,’ I whisper, feeling for some reason ashamed. He stands up and nods, looking down again. ‘I - I’m sorry,’ I say, only, I’m not sure what exactly I’m apologising for - there’s just so much that those insignificant little words can say.

Hands in his pockets, Will pushes his head forwards and presses a warm kiss to my lips, making me feel almost alive again. He doesn’t open his mouth, it’s only a peck, but it reminds me so much of the peck on the lips that started it all. The peck on the lips that he’d tidied up for, put away the clothes I’d worn and binned the boxes I’d eaten out of. Only this kiss was ending it, ending the romance between us that had never really started.

And suddenly it’s all too much, and I break down, sniffling and blubbering as he extends his arms and wraps me tight in them. I close my eyes and clutch onto his t-shirt, knowing that this moment was going to have to last me forever.

‘Goodbye Will,’ I whisper into his chest, and his grip loosens, before he finally steps away, replacing his hands into his pockets.

‘Goodbye.’

I turn around and walk away, past the bed and past Bianca, past Gabe, who follows me out of the door, grabbing his keys on the way. As we walk down the hallway, he puts a comforting arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him.

‘Are you okay?’ he asks quietly. I shake my head but keep on walking, and he doesn’t say anything more.

What is there to even say?

We climb into his car, and I find myself looking around me, imprinting everything onto my memory with as much ferocity as I can. I’m saying over and over to myself, these are the tears I left Will with, this is the car I rode in to the station in, this is the early morning sun that’s come out to drench me like the first day of summer.

Eventually we reach Manchester Piccadilly Station and Gabe follows me out of the car and into the ticket office. He doesn’t let me pay for my own journey, insisting that he brought me here, and he’ll get me back. I’m too weak to argue. As we sit and wait for the train, we say nothing, the dead silence hanging between us like a curtain.

This is the silence that got me through the day. I don’t think I could have stood it if someone had tried to talk to me.

The train finally pulls into the station and Gabe pulls me into a tight hug.

‘I wish you the best Bananni,’ he whispers into my ear. ‘I really hope you can forgive yourself for giving up on this.’

It wasn’t a cruel thing to say, he didn’t say it to make me turn back - to change my mind. It was a genuine wish - he meant it, and I appreciated it.

I climb onto the train, waving one last goodbye to Gabe, and find a seat on the opposite side, closing my eyes and going to sleep.