Ever So Slightly

I don’t know what got me through the week that followed that train journey. Just knowing that William was somewhere out there, somewhere still within reach was torture. I barred myself up in my room, only going downstairs for food. I didn’t even shower. Why did I need to? It‘s not like I had anyone to impress.

When I’d checked my phone the day I got back, I had 49 missed calls. That’s almost ten for each day that I was away. I’ve yet to return them - I’ve yet to find the energy.

Yesterday I broke my routine. Generally I’ve been getting up around twelvish, eating, throwing up, flicking channels for a few hours and then sleeping. But yesterday I watched a film called The Notebook because it was on the TV. I’d heard it was about the war, but by the time I’d realised it wasn’t, I was too engrossed to change the channel. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it, but the long and long of it is, this man wrote a book for his wife to read. She had dementia, and couldn’t remember her life, her children, or her husband, but every time she finished that book, it would all come back to her. He’d have her back for the shortest time. I cried myself to sleep that night. Don’t ask me why, I know my situation’s not even that bad.

I’ve lost too much weight. I’m about six stone nine at the moment - it’s because I can’t stop throwing up. I’m not anorexic or bulimic. If I was anorexic or bulimic then I wouldn’t be able to tell that I’d lost the weight, would I? But I can, I can see my ribs sticking out from my chest. It’ll be something to do with nutrition. Something to do with the fact I keep getting Tesco to deliver 21 packs of Oreos to my door every week.

But I made myself a salad earlier today. Piled high with chicken and ham, and grated cheese on the top, and it helped. I didn’t throw it up. I even take a look at my missed calls list. I’m healing.

I have a handful from Sana, my best friend, two from my parents, and the rest are from Ellie. I dial her number and hold the phone to my ear. She picks up almost immediately.

‘HANNAH! Where the fuck are you?’ she screeches.

‘I’m at home,’ I croak back weakly.

‘What the fuck happened? You didn’t even fucking call me - do you know how worried I’ve fucking been? I tried to call your parents but they’re in fucking Majorca. You just disappeared over night! What the fuck!’

I can feel myself start to cry. ‘I-’

‘Are you crying? Okay, look, I’m sorry, but you really worried me. I didn’t know what to do - if I should have called your parents or something…I knew you’d have been bollocked though ‘cause they didn‘t know about the party. I’ll stop shouting I promise, just tell me what happened, okay?’

And so I do. I blurt it all out down the phone, and I don’t even doubt that she won’t question my story.

‘Fuck…’ she says after I’ve finished. ‘Shit…oh my god Hannah, it’s going to be ok, yeah? It’s fine - you just - you’ve been coping well.’

‘Coping well? I basically haven’t eaten in a week. I only had a shower this morning, I-’

‘I know, but I’d be dead at this point. You’re doing amazingly - you even put on makeup today! See…that’s a step in the right direction. Why don’t you come over and I’ll distract you? I’d drive down to yours but my brother has the car.’

‘Really Ellie? That’d be great - I’ll be there in about-’ I hear a knock at the door. I peer out of the window and see Sana tapping her foot impatiently on my front step. ‘Hang on, Sana’s here…’

‘Okay, we’ll if you want to stay at yours with her then that’s fine - but feel free to bring her too if you still fancy coming down. I’ll be in all day, so whatever. I’ll see you later Hannah.’

‘Bye Ellie,’ I mumble, hanging up and walking over to the front door. Wrenching it open, I smile as Sana launches herself at me, hugging me tightly.

‘Bananna!’ she cries. I cringe at the nickname - unwelcome memories returning. ‘Oh my god! It’s been forever! I kept calling you but you never picked up…so I got the bus down. Surprise!’

I smile weakly and step out of the house, closing the door behind me.

‘Hey Sana…something’s sort of happened.’ Her face falls and she goes to say something but I butt in.

‘I was just going down to Ellie’s to sort of vent about it. Will you come? I’ll tell you everything when we get there...’

‘Um, sure,’ she says, curious and a little worried. ‘That’s fine. We gonna get the bus back?’

‘No, I’ll drive,’ I say, unlocking my car and opening the driver door. She goes round to the other side and we both get in as I stick the key in the ignition.

‘So what happened?’ she presses as I’m pulling out of the drive.

‘I’ll tell you when we get there, okay? Otherwise I’ll have to do it all twice and it’s a long story, so yeah.’

‘Okay, fine.’