Ever So Slightly

When I’m successfully out and onto the road, I strike up conversation again.

‘So what have you been up to?’

‘Oh I went and bought this really cool CD - it’s actually amazing. Matt Turner - you know Kim’s ex? Well he told me about them, and I had a looksee at their MySpace, and they were really good - so I bought the album. That reminds me actually, they’re playing their new song in the Radio One Live Lounge like, now. Do you mind?’

‘No, no, go ahead,’ I say, gesturing to the radio.

She turns it on and twiddles the knob until she finds Radio One.

Yes, my car is that old that it has a knob.

‘You’re listening to R-r-r-radio One,’ chime’s in the station as a female’s voice comes on. ‘So in the live lounge today is the hottest new band, they’re all the way from America and they’re going to be playing they’re newest single. How are you boys?’

I sniff loudly as the presenter makes small talk with the band.

‘Shut up,’ Sana hisses at me. ‘I want to listen - this guy’s got a seriously amazing voice and he’s actually pretty hot too. They’re touring the UK next fall. I mean, Autumn-’

I zone back into the Radio as she blabbers on.

‘So tell me about this newest song then.’

‘Well,’ begins a voice that makes my heart stop. ‘I’ve been working on the lyrics for about a month, but it really only came together when I met this girl…’

I freeze, eyes wide in disbelief, just as I step on the acceleration, the car beginning to speeding up steadily.

‘Hannah - Hannah!’ Sana murmurs, frantically. ‘Slow down. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.’

My eyes well up, blurring my focus, but I can’t move a muscle.

‘HANNAH!’

‘SHUT UP!,’ I scream, pleading as we race along the empty road at nearing 70 miles and hour.

‘Can you give us a name?’

‘Haha, ‘fraid not. She was chronically paranoid about it - would barely tell anyone in case they laughed. Besides…’

‘HANNAH! SLOW DOWN. WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE - SLOW DOWN!’

‘BE QUIET!’ I yell, tears pouring silently down my face - just so long as nothing interferes with the radio, I’m ok - I’m safe. Sana beside me is crying too, clutching onto her seat. Can she feel how I feel too?

‘So I’ve listened to the song - is it safe to assume things didn’t work out?’

There’s a short pause where all I can hear is the growing growling of the engine. I’m frozen solid, listening desperately and not paying anything else my attention. Nothing deserves it more than this.

‘HANNAH!’

‘Yeah. It was hard - but you can’t make other people’s decisions for them. Sometimes you have to let go of the things you-’

‘HANNAH IF YOU DON’T FUCKING PUT YOU FOOT ON THE BRAKE RIGHT NOW I’M GOING TO FUCKING HIT YOU! HANNAH!’

I ignore her, putting my ear as close to the radio as possible, frowning, so could hear it over Sana’s frenzied yelling. The car swerves dangerously but I’ve gone too numb to notice.

So will you introduce the song for us then please?’

‘Hey, this is The Academy Is, and you’re listening to our new record - Everything We Had.’

I just about catch the beginning of the melody, William’s voice melting out through the system, before Sana starts screaming. I move my head away from the radio and look up to see that the car is hurtling towards a huge oak tree, at approximately 97 miles per hour.

Panic grips my body, and both our screams mingled at once is enough to drown out the radio - but I still couldn’t have moved even if I tried, limbs frozen as the car slams into the tree at full force. We’re both thrown forwards, hitting the windscreen with a sickening -thunk, and my eyes black out as I feel something warm and liquid drip down from my hair line.

I can’t see a thing and I still can‘t get my muscles to work, but I give up quickly after trying. I think this is called shock. I begin to feel my consciousness slipping away from me, but the soft tones of Williams voice are still reaching my ears, the soft melody calming my body, like the best sedative I could get. Far away, I can hear sirens but I’m willing them away, wishing them away, so I can hear the rest of the song.

‘I will be with you wherever you go…through the eyes of a fly on the wall…’

Whether it’s last line of the song, or simply the last line of the song that I hear, those are the words that steal away the last of my consciousness, lulling me into a sleep I can’t wait to greet, body shaking, mind breaking, and heart aching.