Unendlichkeit

Bill walked into the house, just wanting to take a few Advil and go to bed, sleep on it and forget about this situation for awhile.

He avoided his parents and went straight up into his room.

Tom wasn’t there.

He had kinda thought this would be a good thing, but now he had a really strong yearning to talk to Tom, to tell him what he was thinking.

Bill went downstairs into the kitchen, where his mom was cleaning up from dinner.

“Mom, where’s Tom?” he asked urgently.

“Oh hello honey, I didn’t think you were home. How did your date with Ina go?” she smiled warmly, wiping her hands on a towel.

“Uh…fine. Where’s Tom?”

“I think he went out into the backyard,” Bill instantly sprinted out there before his mother could finish her sentence.

Tom was just sitting there in the cold night, letting the snow fall around him obliviously. He was sitting on the swing they had on the big oak tree, none of them had used it since they were little. He had his back to the house, and was just looking up at the stars.

Bill shivered. He’d forgotten his jacket inside.

He slowly walked over to where Tom was sitting and stood there for a few moments in the snow before Tom noticed him.

Tom’s expression showed nothing. He was good at that, not showing his feelings.

“Tom…” he really wanted to talk to his twin about this, but he hadn’t the clue how to do it.

“Don’t say anything,” Tom said quietly.

Bill looked away from him, suddenly having so many things to say. But he supposed he wasn’t allowed to say it.

“Have you been thinking about it?” Bill knew what Tom meant by it.

Bill nodded slightly in response, his stomach still gurgling uncomfortably.

“Me too…” Tom sighed and looked up at Bill. “We’re brothers Bill.”

“I know,” Bill looked away. “I don’t even know what that was.”

“It just kind of happened…”

He pushed the hair out of his face as the wind picked up. “I think we should just call it a night.”

“Good idea.”

“And we’ll talk about it tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

------

Bill couldn’t sleep. He had a ripping headache and was once again slouched over the toilet.

He was so mad at himself for these new feelings. He deemed purging was good enough punishment. And that was only because he couldn’t find a razor to use.

He didn’t care. He was so pained by this.

He’d kissed his brother! His own flesh and blood! That was not right, it so wasn’t right, and his mind was telling him that.

But for once it hadn’t been his mind; it had been his heart that had made him kiss Tomi.

He sat in the corner of the bathroom, crying softly, his heart betraying everything he’d ever thought.

He got up, suddenly having an idea about where those razors might be.

“Yes!” he muttered softly as he found them in the back of the drawer-those big industrial ones that they didn’t even need for anything but had anyway.

He steadied the blade above his wrist, over those light scars from those many times before. His right hand shook as he held the blade. It had been months since he last had to do this.

But of course there had been no reason to, no pain in these past months in the first place.

He pressed it to his skin, making the scars burst open, and dragged it across his skin till he could see the little drops of dark red blood pour out.

He let out a soft cry. Sure, it hurt like hell, but it helped him so much.

He cut himself deep about five times and kneeled down as his legs started to shake, continuing to cut until the pain went away.

But it wasn’t, there was only more and more and more of it.

He tried to keep his crying down to a whimper but he was just so hurt he couldn’t hold it any longer.

He was too weak to crawl back to his room, even open the door. And his vision was so blurry he couldn’t even see.

But someone opened the door, picked up Bill’s sobbing body and carried it back safely to his room. Someone cleaned away the blood and dressed up the new wounds and stopped the burning that emitted from them with their touch.

Chocolate eyes met his and he smiled slightly, though he was feeling so terrible.

Tom held Bill, got him to stop his crying. He kissed his forehead and petted him gently enough for Bill to finally drift off to sleep, something he so desperately needed.