The Memory of Your Face

The Paint it Black tent was immense. I'd never seen anything like it; it was more of an inflatable than a tent. It was in the shape of a miniature gothic castle and it was already packed to the brim with people as The Cardigans blasted from its plastic walls. I was so proud that my little baby had found its way to Leeds. I was also relieved to find that it distracted me from other certain things running through my mind. Brian was explaining to me how the free gifts worked as I stood there clutching a vodka and red bull.
"So yeah, we are giving out a free shot of Jagermeister if you have the song 'Paint it Black' on your MP3 player or ipod." I nodded carefully listening to what he was saying and noticing how his arm had moved to rest behind my back on the bar.
"The other thing is that you get a free Vodka and Coke if you're wearing black underwear."
I chuckled at this, "That's great, I can't believe you actually used that idea that me and Adele spun off."
"It was a funny idea, but apparently all last night we had a few guys tried to pass off dirty white ones as black," I laughed and finished my drink.
"Want another?" he asked casually.
"Nah, I'm actually quite tired, I may head back and go to bed." I looked at my watch, it was half 2.
"Okay, I may as well come with." He downed the remains of his drink and followed me out of the thundering tent. We walked down the path and towards the arena where the VIP camping was.
"I'm so proud to have a tent here." I smiled, feeling him look at me in a way that made me rather uncomfortable.
"I'm proud for you, it's great. Everyone here loves it too, it's so popular."
I smiled at him, getting rather scared by the look in his eye.
Arriving at my trailer I stood on the step at the door, "Night Brian" I smiled, "thanks."
"That's okay Erin," he smiled looking up at me.
"Well, Goodnight," I smiled again, quite terrified as he stepped up onto the first step.
"Not inviting me in Erin?" he chuckled. I froze at his words and spun around.
"Brian you've had a bit to drink okay, just go to bed."
"Oh Erin stop being such a tease, come on, you know that I like you." He wavered on the step, looking at me through his bleary eyes.
"Good Night Brian" I snapped slamming the door behind me and locking it, shocked and confused at the whole situation I had gotten myself in.

It was late afternoon when I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing.
"Hello?" I answered groggily rubbing my eye with the palm of my hand.
"Erin!" It was Adele.
"Hey," I groaned back sitting up from my bed.
"What's the tent like? Our one is amazing? And they used our black underwear stuff!" she squealed.
"Yeah, ours is great too, I know."
"You okay Erin? Did you see Matt play?"
"Yeah," I lied, I had totally forgotten about 3rd Hero playing, I was too busy talking to everyone backstage about the Paint it Black tent.
"Oh great, anyway, err, ring me later... "
"Adele, what, how, how were Green Day?" I asked, confused why I wanted to know so badly.
"They were great as normal, the guys are exactly the same, yeah everyone." She coughed and I knew she was lying about the last part. I didn't want to delve further.
"Okay, well, bye Erin, have fun."
"You too," I yawned as I put the phone down and got up and dressed.

I ventured out of my trailer quite worried that I would find Brian still on the step of my trailer, passed out and crazy. Luckily, though there were just the few VIP festival goers waltzing around in their welly boots and clutching coffees. I inhaled the caffeine fumes and had an urge to visit the coffee shop myself. I turned left towards the stall about 7 trailers down. I began to walk, glancing at the tour buses opposite the trailers not too far away. A girl walked past with bright pink fluffy boots on and my eyes followed them, not watching where I was going and I slammed into a person.
"Oh my god I'm so sorry," I stammered looking up at this meaty metal head guy.
"It's alright love," he chuckled, "feel free to bang into me again soon."
I laughed feeling a little humiliated as he walked off; looking right at the tour buses I froze at a guy shutting the door of big, black tour bus.

I was frozen to the spot, staring at him, he hadn't seen me yet, he hadn't turned around but I could see him, I could run, but I couldn't move, my feet disagreed with me they were glued to the spot. That favourite blue and black stripy t-shirt that I had once so carefully washed and ironed, his Adeline cap sitting comfortably in his thick black hair, his skin-sucking jeans that made my stomach lurch. This man, who broke my heart, who once said he loved me was standing just a few feet in front of me.
He turned around and glanced in my direction, he double took, before his eyes met mine. A shock spread across his face, his body also frozen in disbelief,
"Erin?" he yelled across the distance between us, his eyes squinting as he tried to take in my face in its entirety.
My legs suddenly sprang to life and I walked, I walked away, I couldn't stop, I couldn't face him now, it wasn't the right time, I wasn't ready...
"Erin!" his voice rang out behind me, he was following me.
"Erin!"
He grabbed my arm and pulled me back, I spun around, coming so close to his face. His beautiful kohl rimmed green eyes looking deep at me. His face had changed in the last two years, the lines around his eyes had deepened, his skin was worn and tired, but his eyes, they shone into mine exactly the same way. That familiar fiery feeling burning through my chest burst at his touch, at his face.
"Erin" he whispered, I looked down at his hand still clutched to my arm and he released it nervously, like he was taking a step to far.
"Hey..." he apprehensively spoke, a small smile creeping on his lips.
"Hey..." I croaked back, finding my voice in my desert like mouth.
"You...you look..." his eyes rolled across my body as he tried to find words, "...amazing," he gasped, smiling at his chosen word.
I raised my eyebrow, determined to keep this wall up that I had built against him.
"So do you Billie... nice hat." I smirked jamming my hands into my jean pockets.
He smiled at me, "Don't take the piss." The tension was split slightly by our bantering and he seemed more comfortable.
"You, err, are you busy?" he asked sheepishly, also jamming his hands in his pockets.
I contemplated his question, as some girls walked past and had to double take at him before giving me a sufficient snarl.
Billie clicked his tongue, "Are you that desperate not to spend time with me?"
I smiled at him genuinely, "No, no, what did you have in mind?"
"Well we have some killer coffee that Mike made on the bus waiting for us." He grinned wider and my stomach flip flopped at the familiar gesture of his.
"Okay, lead the way," I smiled as he turned around and walked back to the tour bus, checking behind his shoulder every other step like he expected I would run away again.
We stopped at the door and Billie opened it and ushered me in. An immediate smell of onions and tobacco hit my nostrils and I could see Tre, Mike and someone who I assumed was Jason sitting half way down the bus. I felt Billie climb up the stairs behind me and I cautiously moved forwards along the leather coated means of transport.
Tre's eyes squinted at me as I moved closer, a smile spread across his face as he saw who I was.
"FUCK ME! ERIN?" he practically screamed, the others looked up as he sprinted his way down the corridor towards me, diving on me and suffocating me in his tight grip.
"Hey Tre," I giggled as he slobbered onto my cheek in the form of a kiss. He stepped back looking at me like I was a painting to be admired.
"Goddam you look fuckin' awesome darlin'" he grinned as Mike and Jason moved behind him.
"Hey Erin," Mike chuckled hugging me softly, "how are you kid?"
"Good thanks Mike, you?"
"Perfect," he smiled.
"Hey Jas," I chuckled as he winked at me giving me a hug,
"Hey Erin."
They all settled back down at the table where they were sitting, Tre shifted up so I could sit down and Billie perched himself on a chair on the side opposite us.
"So how have you guys been?" I asked as they all grinned at me intensely.
"Well, we've been touring for ages now." Mike sighed, "Like since the last time we saw you."
I nodded.
"Yeah, last show on Sunday," Jason groaned holding his head up with his fist.
"What about you Erin? What did you do, why are you here?" Tre grinned leaning across the table towards me.
"Well, my grandmother died and left everything to me and Adele, we, err, opened a club in London by Camden called Paint it Black... "
"Oh yeah I heard about that, when we were playing down there some guy was trying to get me to come, said it's the best night out he'd ever had," Mike giggled. I nodded and smiled.
"Yeah, it's gotten very popular and there is a mini- dance tent here for the festivals."
Tre started laughing, "We tried to get that information from Adele last night but she was so wrecked she couldn't even stand up with that new guy of hers."
"Oh yeah Matt" I grinned rolling my eyes, "He's so patient with her, they are really quite perfect."
"So no more cleaning for Miss Moneybags then?" Jason asked. I laughed,
"Nah, I don't think so," I smiled. Billie had stayed silent throughout this, I could feel him looking at me, and I shifted uncomfortably.
"So... err... why have you guys come down today if you're only playing tomorrow?"
Mike coughed and Tre shifted in his seat at my question.
"We...just...did, I...well, yeah, we just did," Tre stuttered again glancing at Billie Joe. I followed his eyes and Billie shifted uncomfortably in his chair, he coughed loudly too.
"Well, err, you know so we could get a proper rest before the show, a whole day to just relax you know."
Something in his eyes told me he wasn't telling the truth, it seemed very obvious that Adele had said I was down here and Billie had wanted to come down straight away.
"Ah." I nodded, fully showing I didn't believe him.
The five of us stayed quiet for a while before Billie stood up rubbing his hands together,
"So Erin, want that coffee?" his mouth twitched as he asked. I looked at him, he was basically asking to go and talk.
"Yeah okay" I whispered standing up and glancing at the other three who all smiled in a very encouraging manner.
"It's good to see you Erin," Tre grinned as I began to follow Billie down to the back of the bus.
"You too," I smiled back clenching my toes as I was about to do the thing that I had been dreading as well ad hoping for, for the last two years.
Billie led me down some steps at the back of the bus were a small kitchen and table stood.
"Take a seat," he grinned as I adjusted my nose to the coffee and leathery smell.
I did as I was told and he came back holding two coffee mugs, he slid one to me across the table as he plonked himself down on the chair opposite me.
I blew on the coffee before I took a sip, it was strong stuff.
"Thanks," I smiled, silence erupting after I had spoken
"So..." Billie began putting his own mug down from his lips. "I take it you've been well?"
"Yeah, yeah, have you? Whose your new cleaner?" Billie grinned at my question.
"Nanny -slash- cleaner called Kerry," he chuckled.
"What's she like?" I asked, getting slightly jealous.
"My grandmother, she's about 58 and has two warts on her face." I chuckled as he pointed to his nose.
"I wasn't going to score another beautiful house keeper was I?" he hissed through his teeth sipping at the coffee. I raised my eyebrow at him, reluctant to say anything.
"Are you seeing anyone?"
I jumped at his question and raised my eyebrow, "Don't beat about the bush then."
"I never do." He almost growled back, my stomach fluttered at the look in his eye. I was going to be strong; I wasn't going to give into him.
"No, I'm not." I smiled back sarcastically. "How are Joe and Jake?" I asked sipping from my mug again determined to change the subject into something more serious.
"Well, they are well, I haven't seen them in a while, but we speak everyday on the phone. Joe, err, he didn't exactly like, err, speak to me for a while after he found out you left, he's a smart kid, he knew something had happened. He doesn't get that from me for sure." Billie looked down at the table and started picking the side of it with his fingers.
"And..?" I delved further
"He, he's okay now, well, he's doing better at school and stuff, so is Jake, I do worry about them though," he sighed taking off his cap and scratching his head with both hands.
"That's good, I do think of them a lot, they are good kids, you've done a good job with them Billie," I sighed slowly.
"My job's not finished yet." He smiled, "What about you? Have any?" he smiled teasing me a bit.
"No, but I did find my brother...well he found me," I chuckled.
"Dave? Wow that's great was it okay?" he grinned back at me, taking another sip of his drink.
"Yeah, he's working at the club, we've done a lot of catching up, I never realised how much I missed him." I spoke looking into the space behind Billie.
He stayed silent as he watched me think.
"So how are Ollie and Phil and everyone?" I asked genuinely interested.
"Yeah, they are good the same old same old," Billie chuckled, "Phil's wife had a baby girl Sophie she's so cute, nothing like Phil at all."
I chuckled, "Aw that's sweet."
"How are P and G?"
"Well, they are P and G, shopping and drinking Brandy in Greece as normal," I sighed as he chuckled.
"God that stuff, I haven't touched a drop since," he laughed remembering the time my dad pumped him full of Brandy in New York.
"So what happened with you and... ?" I glanced down at his ring finger, noticing the lack of silver that had once laid there.
"Err...well..." he coughed and shifted in his seat draining his coffee mug.
"When you left, us, me and Adi, we did try again, I mean she and the boys moved back in, but, err, well, it just didn't work out at all. We err, eventually divorced, and she lives with her sister Lisa now. Remember her? Well, the boys live at the house but I'm not there so she is kind of floating between the two houses, when I'm there and when I'm not."
I nodded as he spoke; one obstacle had been tackled between us.
"I don't know what to say," I mumbled, really not knowing anything that I could say to him.
"You don't have to say anything," he sighed looking back up at me, "Except... that maybe... that you missed me."
I snapped my head up at his words, he was grinning broadly. My heart fluttered at his smile, 'no stop it, control yourself'.
"What if I didn't?" I arched my eyebrow at him.
"Then I'd call you a liar," he raised his eyebrow back at me leaning over the table.
"Well what about you? Did you miss me?" I snarled back draining my coffee.
"What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I did, I've been fuckin tortured for the past two years. I couldn't get in touch with you I didn't know what had happened to you. For all I fuckin knew you could have been dead!" His voice grew raised, he had started to loose his temper.
"What did you want me to do Billie?" I hissed through my teeth, "Ignore the fact that you still were in love with you're wife? That you kissed her when you said you loved me! When you were with me? Am I meant to give in to you? Fold at your every wish like every other fucker?"
"You could have at least fuckin let me explain..."
"Let you explain? Let you chat a load of bullshit about how you were confused, upset, fuckin drunk! I didn't want to hear it! The fact is you hurt me, you let me fall so deeply fuckin in love with you then you hurt me so much I... " Tears began to form in my eyes; a two year old anger that had been left to bubble began to emerge in my throat.
"Erin..." his voice softened as he looked at the tears silently rolling down my cheek.
"Erin, I'm sorry, you're right explanations mean fuck all...but...what else could I do? I fucked up...I..." he tilted his head down to his chin and sniffed hard.
"I realised when you left how much I love you, I love you with all my heart Erin, and I really do. It's been the worst two years of my life," he gasped as I sniffed.
"Billie...we've lost so much..."
"We can make it up...we really can, I promise, I only want to take care of you, to love you, to protect you. No one has ever made me feel like you," he reached out and grabbed my hand across the table. His touch made my arm melt; he softly caressed my fingers as he spoke.
"Erin, sweetie..."
"Oh Billie, I did miss you, I wanted to hate you, I wanted to forget about you and move on but I couldn't. I...every time I heard your voice, your name...I...I want us to be together to be happy but I have this terrible feeling that I can never trust you..."
"Don't say that," he snapped, "please don't say that, you are the only one for me, Erin, I will work so hard, I will work my ass off, anything to make you happy."
My heart thudded against my brain, I was so confused, I knew I was giving into him, I couldn't help myself, but that nagging had returned. That awful nagging that told me to stop and think to follow my instincts, telling me to run. What made me feel sick was that it had been right before.
"But Billie, Adrienne..."
He sighed clutching my hand tighter. "Erin, I know how it must look and she did have this hold over me, she'd snap her fingers and I'll be there. But...not anymore, it's over, I swear it."
I inhaled deeply, tears staining my cheeks. "I don't know...I can't think I..." my brain thudded loudly against my skull.
"Look, just think about it Erin okay?" he was getting aggitated I could tell, he flared his nostrils and stood up, dropping my hand and heading for the door.
"Billie." I rose to my feet.
"It's been two years, how could it work?" He turned on his heel and moved towards me.
"I don't know, but to find out, you have to give it a shot." He leaned in towards me and I jerked back slightly. He stopped and looked at me, a deep passion burning in his green eyes. Smiling smugly he leaned in closer. I could feel his hot breath against my lips, I froze, and my very soul aching at this oh so familiar feeling that he gave me. God I hated the way he could control me in this way, my lips ached as he leaned in even closer. His nose brushing against mine, closer, closer, I shut my eyes, welcoming his lips, lusting for them, my fingers digging deep into my palms with a burning want. So close, I felt his bottom lip brush against my own...Oh...God...
"Erin!"
We quickly moved apart and looked to the stairs where Mike was plodding down slowly.
"Erin! Some guy called Brian is looking for you?"
"Oh Shit," I spat as Billie looked at me confused.
"Alright!" I yelled back, "I'm coming!"
I turned to look at Billie Joe, his face was frowned, "Who's Brian?" he spat, pure venom leaking from his lips. His voice made me bubble with anger, I knew I shouldn't have said it, but I did.
"A friend," I snarled back, jumping up the stairs and rushing from his sight.