We Used to See with Wide Eyes

It was another day. As I stepped out of my house and onto my porch, the dry heat hit me like a freight train. It was hot, especially for this early in the spring. I had my bag hanging on one arm and the other hand was busy fitting sunglasses to my face. As the world turned a shade darker I made my way out to the sidewalk.

The sky was probably a deep blue, but I didn't bother to look up, because it wouldn't matter, so for all I know it could be purple. I trudged along into town like I did every day, with the sun beating down on me. I never expected today to be anything special; I never expected it to change my life.

The familiar sound of the diner bells chimed as I pushed open the door and walked into the welcoming, air conditioned building. I waved, smiling, to Mac as I always did and then took my normal booth, just like I always did.

I opened my bag and pulled out my book and flipped through the pages until I found the right one. I finished about half the page before I felt someone's eyes on me.

My eyes ranged around the room, there was an elderly couple seated against the far wall, but they were deep in conversation. A family of four sat two booths away from me; a little girl who looked to be about four was concentrating on making syrup pictures on the window, while her parents tried to clean up her sticky little brother. The only other person in the place was a young twenty-something sitting up at the bar with some coffee and pancakes but he was talking to Mac.

I shrugged off the feeling and turned back to my book, I should've picked an easier one. This one required concentration that I don't think I can handle today, it didn't help that my hands were shaking worse than normal. I couldn't keep them steady. I ditched the effort and pulled out my iPod, repeating my inner mantra, maybe it'll work today, maybe I'll remember something.

The second that Blink 182's "All the Small Things" hit my ears, I knew it wasn't going to help because I know this song, and am sick of it. Maybe I was going about this the wrong way, maybe I should be listening to stuff I don't remember. It's worth a try. I scrolled the click wheel down to the "Age 16" playlist, I went to a random song that looked promising, "The Rock Show," my mom said she even knew that song, she thought it was a good one to try because Blink was so popular back then.

Poppy guitar riffs filled the earphones and I found myself bobbing my head along to the music, just like I probably did when I was sixteen. I didn'tt know this song, but found myself singing along softly to it. Seems that my mouth remembers it, even if I don't.

A chill creeps up the back of my neck. Someone's watching me. My eyes flicker to the bar and the boy is staring unabashedly at me, I stared back until he looked away. I rolled my eyes and concentrated on the music, guys are all the same. It's like they have this little part of their brain that tells them "Look! It has boobs."

I scrolled through the list of songs on my iPod, indifferent to which one I picked. The novelty of this sort of thing was wearing off so it wasn't that but I can't help marveling at the large music collection that I have on here. I caught sight of a song that I hadn't heard in a long time, one as old as me, and selected it.

I just had time to register the drumbeat before my hearing cuts out and my head started to pound, as if all the blood was rushing to it. I grasped my forehead with my hands trying to use pressure to relieve the pain. My skin was hot to the touch. I black out and –

"I can't believe Mom and Dad let us do this!" Liam exclaimed for the millionth time, tapping on the steering wheel to R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It."

"I know!" I said excitedly, again, leaning back in the passenger seat with my feet propped up on the dashboard.

We were on a road trip. The parents finally trusted us enough to let us take the old, beat up, yellow convertible VW bug for an instate road trip for some good brother/sister bonding time. We had just turned sixteen.

Our matching shade of light blond hair was constantly buffeted by the warm wind sent down by the endless blue sky, and after only a few minutes of it blowing in my face, I had quickly put it up in a ponytail. We had a stash of Cokes, candy and snacks set between the seats and our luggage in the trunk. It was summer, we had our tunes blasting, and we had no destination; we were having the time of our lives.

Liam burst out singing the verse of the song as fast as he could and I join in, "Uh oh! Overflow, population, common group, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched!" Our voices rose in volume as we got to the chorus, "It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine."

We laughed and as the song ends and the next one starts; Liam turns down the radio and then asks, "Where to today, baby sister?"

"Psh," I say, hitting him lightly on his arm, "I'm only younger by like three minutes."

"Seven actually," he smirks, with those gray eyes identical to mine making fun of me. I move to hit him again, "Hey! No interference with the driver."

"Oh you're right, I should be more careful," I mocked, "I mean, you did fail your driver's test the first time…"

"Hey!" he said, raising a finger, "That was only because there was this maniac driver who kept trying to pass me."

"Surrre."

"Shut up," he grumbled.

"Oh, you know I love you, Lee."

"Love you too, Parks."
My eyes were still shut, but now I could hear the ending chords of the familiar song and I could feel someone tapping my arm. My hands were still clutching my forehead so I moved them and pulled the ear buds out and opened my eyes.

"Are you ok?" asked the boy from the bar.

"Uh, yeah," I said distractedly running my fingers through my dark hair, "Excuse me."

I stood up from the table, not even bothering to grab my purse which was lying open on the table and stumbled to the bathroom; the pounding in my head was growing fainter. I immediately went to the mirror to look at my reflection.

I hardly recognized the dull picture that met my eyes. Gone were the days of blond hair, light makeup and cute surfer style clothes. Instead I saw an older and different version of myself. I still had that straight hair but it was dark, just like my makeup. I had rimmed my eyes in the darkest eyeliner so that they are the first thing you notice when you look at me, because really, I could care less about everything else. My eyes were my constant, the one thing that stayed the same since… since then. I will admit that deep in my mind, I know I do it because I need the contrast, otherwise I might go insane. After all, dark to light is all I have now; it's all I'll ever have.

I felt my forehead, it was back to its normal temperature and it doesn't hurt. I looked closer in the mirror but my cheeks weren't any darker than normal. I was fine.

Why now? I have to ask. What triggered the memory? I've listened to songs like that before but I've never remembered anything. The doctor said I probably wouldn't, but hell, I proved him wrong.

I walked over to the door, clicking the lock so that no one could disturb me and I slid down the door, sitting on the relatively clean tile. Fuck the germs, I remembered something. I shut my eyes and pressed my hands against my eyes, recalling the memory. It was so vivid, so colorful. It was like I was actually reliving the experience. Even Lee seemed so close… I shook my head, he's gone and he's not coming back just because you remember him.

I had to tell Mom and Dad.

I stood up quickly, unlocked the door, threw it open and walked to my booth. The boy was still there.

"Are you ok?" he asked again.

"I'm just dandy," I said with only a hint of sarcasm, as I gathered everything up and shoved it into my bag.

After waving goodbye to Mac, I was out the door and I wasn't looking back. Maybe I should've, I would've seen his eyes following me down the street until I was out of sight… then again, I might have been even more hostile towards him and I like things fine, just the way there are.